Home Uncategorized The economy needs ‘actual’ stimulating

The economy needs ‘actual’ stimulating

by Archives March 31, 2009

With the economy in shambles, and the markets plunging over the past six months, all the talk these days is about “stimulus,” or the process whereby billions of dollars of taxpayer money disappear into the great governmental void, never to be seen again.
Now the fundamental problem with this is that, gold-diggers aside, I’m not sure exactly who gets stimulated by watching a bunch of old white men handle money. Is this supposed to stimulate us? Make us more confident to spend our money? Fuck it, I say. Fuck GM bailouts, rotten asset takeovers, infrastructure spending and health care costs. We need something that’ll really stimulate us. What we need is drugs, drugs, and more drugs.
Rather than invest tens of billions of dollars in the financial markets, I say legalize all drugs. Meth, heroin, and coke, coke, coke! Next there’d be a massive government investment in making all narcotic substances available to all people: “A chicken in every pot, and a meth lab in every garage.” The drinking age would be lowered to a responsible nine years of age. I say if they’re old enough for grade four, they’re old enough for anything.
The amount of potential benefits to society from mass drug addiction are numerous and varied. First of all, our productivity as a workforce would skyrocket. Cocaine, as has been reliable proven, is a perfect substitute for sleep. Our workweek could be restructured – instead of five eight hour days, then two days of rest, I say we create a grueling, 72-hour coke-fuelled marathon of work, and then four days of jittery relaxation. We’d have more free time AND get more things done.
Economically it’s the perfect idea. They say one of the biggest worries with the economy is that concerned citizens will hoard their money rather than circulate it. Problem solved. Who here has ever known a junkie that was a good saver? All money would immediately be injected (literally) into the system.
In terms of foreign policy and politics, it’s a perfect remedy as well. I’m guessing that Harper wouldn’t seem like such a prick if he knocked back a couple of joints every now and then. We could create valuable new trading partnerships with Columbia, Mexico, and we could make peace with Afghanistan, once we started buying their vast quantities of opium at special bulk rates.
There’s plenty of historical precedent here. Upon taking office in 1933, one of the first things F.D.R did to raise money was legalize alcohol. Of course, alcohol’s already legal, so we have to think bigger.
Now of course, the biggest objection to this plan would be: is it environmentally friendly? Well of coursenf farmers, whose great profits reaped from dope could single-handedly allow for the closure of the oilsands. It’d be the greenest plan, in more ways than one.
The next objection would be that wouldn’t this be causing a massive drug problem? This is backwards thinking. Presumably if the vast majority of the population was addicted to something, with only a small group of unaddicted malcontents, we’d stop seeing it as an addiction problem, and start seeing it as a sobriety problem. And God knows which one is easier to cure.
Pure, unbridled, coke-fuelled mayhem for at least four years. After all, what could be more stimulating than a mass addiction to natural stimulants? It may be an economic crisis, but under this plan no one could ever call it a Depression.

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