This is animal week.
Aries – March 21 to April 20
You are Orca, noble guardian of the waves. You are not widely loved in the animal kingdom, but you are feared and respected. You deliver swift and objective justice with your powerful jaws and your keen senses. Although you have a large decorative eye patch, your eyes are in fact quite small.
Taurus – April 21 to May 21
You are Penguin. Winter is long and hard for you. It is a long trip into a cold dark country. And when you’re done, you’ll get to return to the ocean, with abundant food and endless fun. But the oceans are not always safe, so be careful. For now, look forward to the season ahead. You and the others will huddle together for warmth, and there’s no better feeling than being at centre of a waddle of penguins.
Gemini – May 22 to June 21
You are Seal. Scourge of the sea, you live your life between the water and the shore. You dive deep and swim with the fish, but you are not of them. You prey on helpless penguin, and nature frowns on you for it, but Orca hunts you, and plays with your body before eating you. Be wary.
Cancer – June 22 to July 23
You are Dog, loyal companion, friend of man. But man takes more than he gives: in his eyes you are servile. Sit dog, lie down dog, roll over dog. He leaves you locked in his house alone for hours on end, and puts bonds around your neck. He takes your children and sells them for profit, with cold knives he takes your gender from you.
Leo – July 24 to August 23
You are Cat. Sly, sneaky trickster. Beast of nine lives. You blend into backgrounds, you observe without interfering. You hunt stealthily, and always make time for leisure. You love your milk, you love your tuna. Remember what they say of your curious nature, and remember that you have nine lives.
Virgo – August 24 to September 23
You are Goldfish. What happened three seconds ago? You probably don’t remember. Let me fill you in: your last three seconds were exactly like the three seconds before. You were in a glass bowl of water, with rocks on the bottom. Sometimes flakes of food fall in from above, something to do. And you’ll live out your days like this. What happened three seconds ago?
Libra – September 24 to October 23
You are Cow. Eat some grass, digest it, regurgitate it, eat it again, do it three more times. Mmm, cud. Udders been feeling heavy lately? Maybe it’s time for a milking. I know a lot of cows use those mechanical milkers these day, but there’s nothing quite like an old fashioned hand milking. Mmm, milk.
Scorpio – October 24 to November 23
You are Pig. Is there anything you won’t eat? Rumour has it you’ll even chew through bone. You are highly esteemed among the gentiles, but the chosen people will not partake of you, because, though you be cloven hooved, thou chewest not the cud.
Sagittarius – November 24 to December 21
You are Chicken. Awake early, always orderly, minding the coop. Rooster, your biological companion, wakes up the farmer every morning, heralding in each new day. Be good to rooster, as he has been good to you. If your friends are having trouble laying eggs, give them some of yours, like in Chicken Run.
Capricorn – December 22 to January 20
You are Lion. Mighty king of beasts, you rule the plains as Orca rules the seas. Your dominion is based on your ability to seem great, while in fact being quite average. You don’t even hunt, but make your women do it for you. Don’t let the others figure out your scam, they won’t appreciate having been tricked.
Aquarius – January 21 to February 19
You are Tiger. Fearsome and fierce, stealthy but scarce. Are your stripes functional, or just fashionable, either way they look pretty damn cool. Pounce on some prey this week, something badass from a tree and like do the neck biting thing I saw on that nature video.
Pisces – February 20 to March 20
You are Bear. Hibernation season is coming up and we all know what that means – hyperphagia time! That’s right, time to bulk up, eat anything and everything, enjoy yourself. Don’t worry about eating too much food, because you’ll be sleeping for a few months, so you’ll lose all the weight. Try and get some honey before sleepytime too, you do love that honey.