Sicilians &- or at least the Sicilians in Mario Puzo’s The Godfather &- speak of the thunderbolt. If you’ve seen the movie, it’s what happens when Michael first sees that Sicilian girl in the countryside. When you get hit by the thunderbolt, you forget about all of your other priorities and focus all of your energies on courtship. Some of us are lucky enough to see our efforts payoff, but others are not fortunate enough to have their lover reciprocate. Unrequited love is a strange and powerful force, without it we never would have had the genius of Daniel Johnston of Dante Alighieri, and it is the inspiration behind this week’s divinations. The theme this week is wants and desires.
Aries &- March 21 to April 20
Sometimes the things we want are good for us, and sometimes they’re bad. Some times they are good for us and bad for others, and sometimes they’re bad for us and good for others. A good man (pronounced MOHN or MAHN) once said “our own decisions.” Let that philosophy guide you.
Taurus &- April 21 to May 21
Do you ever feel like a Danish prince who’s father was murdered by his uncle who married his mother and usurped the throne? What does that make you want? I’ll tell you what, it probably makes you wish that crazy self-absorbed girlfriend of yours would drown in a lake already. Don’t worry, act four is right around the corner!
Gemini &- May 22 to June 21
Those that want take, and those that take have. There is one exception: cookies. When you want cookies and take them from the cookie jar, you eat them and no longer have cookies. That’s why people ask, “who took the cookies from the cookie jar?” rather than, “who has the cookies from the cookie jar?” Take the cookies and keep the cookies, then when asked you can say, “I have them.”
Cancer &- June 22 to July 23
Do you want to be liked or left alone? Would you rather see your friends face-to-face or have them call your cell phone? Whichever case, whatever your desires, they shall come to pass. You can be liked and alone, or have no friends but still get calls on the phone.
Leo &- July 24 to August 23
Want to throw in the towel, or give up? Worry not, onward Christian soldier! I know it can sometimes feel like the world wants to eat you, but the holidays are right around the corner and they will bring much needed rest for your soul.
Virgo &- August 24 to September 23
The stars say you either are or have a secret admirer. Unfortunately, the rest of the story isn’t so cute. Apparently, and this is the stars talking not me, if you are the admirer, the subject of your admiration has noticed and is not down, like they think your gross. And if you are the admired, don’t get excited, cause the person is ugly both inside and out- straight repulsive. Sorry!
Libra &- September 24 to October 23
Reflect often on the difference between wanting and needing something this week. You will be tested, and have to decide among several objects which you want, and which you need.
Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23
Feel like your losing your mind? Want peace and quiet? Want sanity? Confide your concerns in one who is close to you. They will understand where you are coming from and offer helpful advice.
Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21
What people desire more than a rest is a full fledged vacation. To travel around the world, go somewhere sunny or something. Fuck, like, a little vacation, you want to spend two years on the Mediterranean! A long respite is a long way away, in the meantime, prepare for winter, and try to enjoy it this time around.
Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20
“I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away and I stumble.” This lucid work of poetic brilliance often gets heaped in with all that other pop/R&B crap, but its not like the rest. Read it, listen to it, think about it. What does Macy want (besides a brief cameo in the Spiderman movie)?
Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19
What’s that book called? The Secret. That stuff about how you can get stuff if you want it enough. I haven’t, like, read it, but I’ve tried psychically trying to get things, and for the most part it works. Once I asked the universe for two cigarettes, then went to my front door to find a guy lighting up right in front of my house!
Pisces &- February 20 to March 20
Even though wanting is natural, it’s generally selfish. Conquer your natural side, get enlightened. Rather than wanting things for you and your friends, want things for your enemies- good things.