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by admin November 24, 2009

Horoscopes

by admin November 17, 2009

Horoscopes

by admin November 3, 2009

Sicilians &- or at least the Sicilians in Mario Puzo’s The Godfather &- speak of the thunderbolt. If you’ve seen the movie, it’s what happens when Michael first sees that Sicilian girl in the countryside. When you get hit by the thunderbolt, you forget about all of your other priorities and focus all of your energies on courtship. Some of us are lucky enough to see our efforts payoff, but others are not fortunate enough to have their lover reciprocate. Unrequited love is a strange and powerful force, without it we never would have had the genius of Daniel Johnston of Dante Alighieri, and it is the inspiration behind this week’s divinations. The theme this week is wants and desires.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20
Sometimes the things we want are good for us, and sometimes they’re bad. Some times they are good for us and bad for others, and sometimes they’re bad for us and good for others. A good man (pronounced MOHN or MAHN) once said “our own decisions.” Let that philosophy guide you.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

Do you ever feel like a Danish prince who’s father was murdered by his uncle who married his mother and usurped the throne? What does that make you want? I’ll tell you what, it probably makes you wish that crazy self-absorbed girlfriend of yours would drown in a lake already. Don’t worry, act four is right around the corner!

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21
Those that want take, and those that take have. There is one exception: cookies. When you want cookies and take them from the cookie jar, you eat them and no longer have cookies. That’s why people ask, “who took the cookies from the cookie jar?” rather than, “who has the cookies from the cookie jar?” Take the cookies and keep the cookies, then when asked you can say, “I have them.”

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23
Do you want to be liked or left alone? Would you rather see your friends face-to-face or have them call your cell phone? Whichever case, whatever your desires, they shall come to pass. You can be liked and alone, or have no friends but still get calls on the phone.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

Want to throw in the towel, or give up? Worry not, onward Christian soldier! I know it can sometimes feel like the world wants to eat you, but the holidays are right around the corner and they will bring much needed rest for your soul.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

The stars say you either are or have a secret admirer. Unfortunately, the rest of the story isn’t so cute. Apparently, and this is the stars talking not me, if you are the admirer, the subject of your admiration has noticed and is not down, like they think your gross. And if you are the admired, don’t get excited, cause the person is ugly both inside and out- straight repulsive. Sorry!

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

Reflect often on the difference between wanting and needing something this week. You will be tested, and have to decide among several objects which you want, and which you need.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23
Feel like your losing your mind? Want peace and quiet? Want sanity? Confide your concerns in one who is close to you. They will understand where you are coming from and offer helpful advice.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

What people desire more than a rest is a full fledged vacation. To travel around the world, go somewhere sunny or something. Fuck, like, a little vacation, you want to spend two years on the Mediterranean! A long respite is a long way away, in the meantime, prepare for winter, and try to enjoy it this time around.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20
“I try to say goodbye and I choke, I try to walk away and I stumble.” This lucid work of poetic brilliance often gets heaped in with all that other pop/R&B crap, but its not like the rest. Read it, listen to it, think about it. What does Macy want (besides a brief cameo in the Spiderman movie)?

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

What’s that book called? The Secret. That stuff about how you can get stuff if you want it enough. I haven’t, like, read it, but I’ve tried psychically trying to get things, and for the most part it works. Once I asked the universe for two cigarettes, then went to my front door to find a guy lighting up right in front of my house!

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20
Even though wanting is natural, it’s generally selfish. Conquer your natural side, get enlightened. Rather than wanting things for you and your friends, want things for your enemies- good things.

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I had a big party this weekend. A lot of people came, but I got really drunk and don’t remember very much &- lucky for me I work in the future telling business and not the field of fact remembering. In the spirit of having seen so many drunken twenty-somethings, squandering the primes of their lives by way of cheap thrills, I’ve made this week drink week. Enjoy!

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You are martini. A paradox of a beverage, common belief would call you quite classy, but beneath the surface you’re nothing more than an excuse for rich people to drink straight gin and vodka. One time I was at a bar where they ran out of booze, but we smooth talked the bartender and he ended up giving us free shots of vermouth… high class.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

You are moonshine. More than a drink, you are an emblem of the human spirit’s perseverance. When the prohibition forbade liquor, you brought the sauce to the people. And, in The Great Escape, they made you in a Nazi prison to distract the guards. Pretty wicked.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You are 40oz of 50. Forties of fifty are a timeless beverage. All of the mystique of a jug sized bottle of beer combined with the full flavour of Labatt’s most esteemed pilsner. I just cant figure out if its more fun to say you or drink you. Forty of fifty, forty of fifty, fun!

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

You are Mighty Caesar. Nothing keeps dogs harrier than vodka, tomato and sweet, sweet clam juice for breakfast. All the best breakfast places have their liquor licenses. I hate when people are prudish and make you without hot sauce and horseradish. Spice up your life people.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You are absinthe. So classy, so mysterious, so European. You’re illegal in Canada, but I don’t know why. Seems like the man just doesn’t get down with the people getting all hopped up on wormwood and the like.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

You are weed liquor. Long story short, a friend of mine found a couple pounds of marijuana in an alleyway west of Park Ave. a few years back, and one of the things he did with it was make weed liquor by combining vodka and shake. It didn’t taste very good, but it sure made you feel something, if you catch my drift.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

You are fine wine. The ultimate in cool, you are a real game changer. With you, laughs are had, insights are made, pants are loosened. I always find, when I want to get kissy with a girl, a film and a bottle of wine are the surest route to success, if you call cheap easy meaningless sex successful. I need to talk to a shrink.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

You are gin and Gatorade. You have your roots in west coast hip hop &- two sources specifically. The first is gin and juice, as celebrated by Snoop Dogg (who you’re just supposed to call “Dogg” if you meet him face to face). The second is a People Under the Stairs talk about drinking gin and Powerade in one of their songs. Bottom line, the stuff goes down like water and combats your hangover while you drink it on account of the electrolytes.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

You are Jell-O Shooters. Seriously, you even exist? Does anyone who’s not a teen at a bad party ever drink you? Who couldn’t think of a million better ways to get drunk? Who even thought of you? Jell-O shooters, seriously!

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

You are rum, drunk from the bottle, warm and straight. Rum like you always reminds me of that island Johnny Depp gets stranded on in the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It was so amazing, they had so much rum and they had each other. Being stuck on a desert island with a lifetime supply of rum and a beautiful woman would be like my dream.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

You are Faxe 10 per cent. You might not taste good, but you’ll get me drunk. And I mean like blackout embarrass myself drunk. Like puke myself for the first time in half a decade drunk.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

You are tequila. The most fun part of you is the process, with the salt, and the lemons. Also, your one of those drinks that is just as hard as any other liquor, but still seems to make its own special kind of drunk. Funny how that happens.

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A new month and a new moon mean new things. If you thought that life was just going to continue at its same old pace, you were, well, wrong. For some of you, this means greener pastures ahead and for others rocky roads. Now is the time to embrace change, to dress it up in a fancy outfit and call it your own. To introduce it to your friends, or try and kiss it. Tell it you love it, it’s never too soon.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

Ginger ale is healthy for you when you’re sick because it contains real ginger. Ginger is one of those magical plants that’s always good for you, like garlic and mangoes. Doctors call them super fruits, I think you’re a super fruit.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

Time to bring the focus of your life back to the homefront. Cook some meals, skip some classes, clean, et cetera, et cetera. You’ve been too much of a nomad lately, always out on the camel’s back. Its time for you to get your camel back.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

Check the dictionary for the meaning of friends. Pay attention to the way words are spelled in our language &- Canadian English. Colour, labour, spectre? The Oxford dictionary has double-double in it, how does that make you feel?

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

You’ve been reading too many student newspapers recently, and the only other place you get your news is the Colbert Report and the Daily Show. These aren’t real news sources, they’re entertaining and engaging, but seriously, read some real news already before you become a socialist.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You should try lucid dreaming this week, like controlling the world around you. The best way to do it is to wake up a couple times in the night, you are more present in dreams when they’re cut up into little chunks. Look for clocks and light switches (in real life).

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

People like Pabst Blue Ribbon because it’s cheap and harmless. Its not like those cheap beers that taste like pee, in fact it’s flavourless as far as beer goes. They like the cool can design. That’s the same reasons people like you, all of the above.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

If you’re a guy and a girl, and you want to see each other’s private parts, how do you negotiate that exchange? Does a breast get a ball? Cause man nipples don’t really count, or do they? And does an erect penis get more than a flaccid one? It’s definitely more exciting.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Throw darts at a map, or a globe, but they might not stick. What I mean is you should take a trip. C’mon, get out there. Even if you only have a map of the city it will do. Just imagine how much of the city you’ve never seen. Get out there!

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

Time for smashing and breaking. Take something you love a lot, or have put a lot of time into and smash it into itty bitty tiny little bits. Use something big and hard, like a sledgehammer. Make sure that by the time you’re done you don’t even recognize the thing you were breaking.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

You’ll get caught doing a lot of embarrassing things this week. A little bit of the Murphy’s law if you catch my drift. Real embarrassing too, like you’ll get caught masturbating in public, or doing/saying something really racist.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Happiness abound! Brush your teeth cause you’re going to be smiling on the regular this week. And warm up your laughing voice too, cause there will be plenty to laugh about. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius!

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

It’s the same temperature in Toronto and Montreal right now, 10 degrees each. The only difference is that there it’s overcast, but here it’s a beautiful day. If you still know how to enjoy days, get out there and enjoy!

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