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by admin January 26, 2010

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by admin January 26, 2010

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by admin January 5, 2010

Horoscopes

by admin January 5, 2010

Dictionary horoscopes

Greetings colleagues. This week we’re all going to learn a new word. A new, magnificent word that will tell you everything you need to know about your life this week. Read on and be educated! That’s what we’re here for right? Hmm.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20
eupeptic: 1. to digest, having good digestion. 2. healthy and happy; cheerful. You will be all smiles this week – just as long as you chew your food properly. And trade in that candy for some dried fruit. Natural sugar is your friend.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21
hyperesthesia: an abnormal sensitivity of the skin or some sense organ. Your senses are heightened, which means you absolutely must take advantage! Go swimming, shop for a fuzzy sweater and feeeeeel stuff.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21
itinerate: to travel from place to place or on a circuit. It’s all about the routine this week, wake up, groan, eat, study, get caught in the rain, socialize, eat, nap?, go out, dance, fall down, get home, sleep, and so on.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23
buprestid: metallic-coloured beetle which when eaten caused cattle to swell up and die. The beetle is danger. The cattle is your daily life. So stay away from shiny metal objects like clean car hubs and new doorknobs this week or you’re going to do something stupid. Like forget about that exam.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23
supercool: to cool a liquid below its freezing point without causing solidification. You are a rock-star this week. Everything is going to flow and swoosh into place like uber freezing liquid. Remember to wear ripped jeans and a white T-shirt.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23
trimorph: a substance that crystallizes in three distinct forms. This week will occur in three parts. First: depression as you go to early classes. Second: alleviated depression as the weekend shines closer. Third: Weekend. Relief. Happiness. Glory.


Libra &- September 24 to October 23

paphian: [in reference to the worship of Aphrodite] of sexual love; erotic. That’s right, it’s time to get it on Libra. “Just a dry spell” is only an acceptable excuse for so long. Get out there.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23
wastrel: a person who wastes; a spendthrift; good-for-nothing. You must be green this week. Turn off the tap when you’re pearling your whites, avoid using the oven for every meal, and leave that heat down when you go on a three-day rave.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21
triphthong: a complex vowel sound involving three continuous vowel sounds in one syllable. You are overthinking your words, and your life. Going to three different parties in one night can be exciting. But you end up missing out on the naked guy at the first one. Keep it simple.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20
lamdacism: to pronounce imperfectly. Turns out pronouncing “schedule” is not the only this you’ve been doing imperfectly these days. Time to shape up your act and clean your room or something. You will be happier when things aren’t in a big mess.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19
magnifico: a person of high rank or great importance. This week you may feel as though you have too much responsibility, too much to do. But do not fret, because you are a VIP and probably also a PYT. So it’s all good!

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20
tonus: the slight continuous contraction characteristic of a normal muscle in a state of rest. Okay seriously, stop falling asleep in class. I’m in the class after yours and it’s unpleasant to wipe your drool off my spot. Wake up. Life is happening without you.

[Definitions courtesy of Webster’s New World Dictionary.]

Dictionary horoscopes

Greetings colleagues. This week we’re all going to learn a new word. A new, magnificent word that will tell you everything you need to know about your life this week. Read on and be educated! That’s what we’re here for right? Hmm.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20
eupeptic: 1. to digest, having good digestion. 2. healthy and happy; cheerful. You will be all smiles this week – just as long as you chew your food properly. And trade in that candy for some dried fruit. Natural sugar is your friend.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21
hyperesthesia: an abnormal sensitivity of the skin or some sense organ. Your senses are heightened, which means you absolutely must take advantage! Go swimming, shop for a fuzzy sweater and feeeeeel stuff.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21
itinerate: to travel from place to place or on a circuit. It’s all about the routine this week, wake up, groan, eat, study, get caught in the rain, socialize, eat, nap?, go out, dance, fall down, get home, sleep, and so on.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23
buprestid: metallic-coloured beetle which when eaten caused cattle to swell up and die. The beetle is danger. The cattle is your daily life. So stay away from shiny metal objects like clean car hubs and new doorknobs this week or you’re going to do something stupid. Like forget about that exam.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23
supercool: to cool a liquid below its freezing point without causing solidification. You are a rock-star this week. Everything is going to flow and swoosh into place like uber freezing liquid. Remember to wear ripped jeans and a white T-shirt.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23
trimorph: a substance that crystallizes in three distinct forms. This week will occur in three parts. First: depression as you go to early classes. Second: alleviated depression as the weekend shines closer. Third: Weekend. Relief. Happiness. Glory.


Libra &- September 24 to October 23

paphian: [in reference to the worship of Aphrodite] of sexual love; erotic. That’s right, it’s time to get it on Libra. “Just a dry spell” is only an acceptable excuse for so long. Get out there.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23
wastrel: a person who wastes; a spendthrift; good-for-nothing. You must be green this week. Turn off the tap when you’re pearling your whites, avoid using the oven for every meal, and leave that heat down when you go on a three-day rave.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21
triphthong: a complex vowel sound involving three continuous vowel sounds in one syllable. You are overthinking your words, and your life. Going to three different parties in one night can be exciting. But you end up missing out on the naked guy at the first one. Keep it simple.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20
lamdacism: to pronounce imperfectly. Turns out pronouncing “schedule” is not the only this you’ve been doing imperfectly these days. Time to shape up your act and clean your room or something. You will be happier when things aren’t in a big mess.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19
magnifico: a person of high rank or great importance. This week you may feel as though you have too much responsibility, too much to do. But do not fret, because you are a VIP and probably also a PYT. So it’s all good!

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20
tonus: the slight continuous contraction characteristic of a normal muscle in a state of rest. Okay seriously, stop falling asleep in class. I’m in the class after yours and it’s unpleasant to wipe your drool off my spot. Wake up. Life is happening without you.

[Definitions courtesy of Webster’s New World Dictionary.]

Horoscopes in the cookie jar
I hope you’re hungry for a sugary circle of goodness this week Concordia, because we are all cookies. Yum. Get comfortable and munch away as you learn about your future.


Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You are a chocolate chip cookie. Classic, standard, indisputably delicious, the chips are in your favour. The chocolate is your school work and the chip is your social life. Make sure to keep a healthy balance.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

Sugar cookie!!! Simple, and fantastic you are the cookie all the little kids want to eat the most. Take advantage of the extra energy from the sugar rush and do that thing you’ve been putting on hold for so long. The sugar cookie takes no excuses.


Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You are a macadamia nut cookie. Because you’re so nutty, of course. This week I implore you to let your nut out on everyone and everything you encounter, more than you usually do. (Also, if you don’t know what a macadamia nut is go eat one because they are taste good even though they sound like a psychological condition.)

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Gingerbread cookie. Perfect cookie to chow down with a glass of milk without feeling like you overdosed on sugar. Spicy with a punch, which is how you have to be this week. No one is going to listen to you unless you make them.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You are an oatmeal raisin cookie. The staple of seniors everywhere, but also a sneaky way to pretend to be healthy while in fact you are still eating a cookie. Follow oatmeal raisin’s sly lead and try to exercise this week, but be sly and do it to meet people, not only to work up a sweat.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

As a pumpkin cookie, you are off-season, which is reflective of your life right now. You need to start looking ahead, yes, even as far as next fall. What are you doing with your life? Make sure it has a crumbly crust and comes with a ball of vanilla ice cream.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

Lemon drop Libra. Rare, but enjoyable. This week don’t let anything go too sour. From the orange juice in your fridge to your most importnat relationships, pay attention because expiry dates can creep up on you. And that’s just smelly.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Chocolatey mint is your flavour my dear, which means you need to do some good deeds this week. Why? Because you represent the girl guide cookie! I’m not saying you have to put on a brown vest and earn a knot-tying badge, but opening the door for someone is always a good idea.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

You are a shortbread cookie. You have to keep things short and bready this week. Waiting too long to hand in assignments or lingering afterhours at the bar will only lead to bad things for you in the long run. Don’t do it. Seriously. Baddddd.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

Double chocolate is your cookie. Because you always want to do things two times over. Well, this week instead of messing up your life like it usually does, doing things twice is a good idea. Look over that essay one more time, double check that you locked your apartment, and text that cute person again.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

You are a brownie. Sort of not a cookie but so rad that it couldn’t be left out. Brownies are the best sweet snack for parties. And that’s what I want you to do. Party. This may sound irresponsible but, well, whatever. Eat a brownie whenever you feel hungover this week and life will happily float on by.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Butterscotch cookie. Reminds me of hopscotch in the third grade, or drinking scotch in the third grade. Regardless of how you spent your childhood, revisit it this week. Go buy some Fuzzy Peaches, leave your jacket undone, use your outside voice inside, and watch old episodes of Sailor Moon or Ninja Turtles. But please brush your teeth.

Good day students of Concordia.
Read on for your future, then go home and maybe give it a listen too!

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

“I don’t want to fake it/ I just want to make it/ The ornaments look pretty/ But they’re pulling down the branches/ Of the tree” You got “Love You Madly” by Cake. Live your life weird, but upbeat, and make sure to keep eyes out for that special someone because they’re looking for you this week!

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

“Say you don’t need no diamond ring and I’ll be satisfied / Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can’t buy”
“Can’t buy me love” by The Beatles says you should lay off the materialism this week. I’ve seen you drooling over that new pair of shoes, but resist! In the end all you need is love.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

“Pump it, louder come on/ Don’t stop and keep it goin’/ Do it lets get it on/ Move it” So school just started and you want to keep up with course work, but don’t forget to loosen up once and a while. “Pump it” by the Black Eyed Peas tells you to get your ass to dance floor and go crazy.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

“You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do/ And it’s breakin’ my heart in two/ Because I never wanna see you sad, girl/ Don’t be a bad girl” Take a breather and keep it positive with “Wild World” by Cat Stevens. Life is happening, and fast. No need to sit back and watch it go by, just make sure you don’t get swept away.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

“Drag and drop it, zip – unzip it/ Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,/ View it, code it, jam – unlock it,/ Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it”
Use “Technologic” by Daft Punk to get back into that elusive everyday pattern where you end up getting things done. At the end of a hard day’s work play it, turn it up, and dance around your room in a frenzy.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

“If you need me, call me/ No matter where you are/ No matter how far/ Just call my name/ I’ll be there in a hurry/ You don’t have to worry” Hey baby, someone here in Montreal would climb a mountain for you. And that’s some difficult shit. You got “Ain’t no mountain high enough” sung by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrel.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

“Rise up this mornin’/ Smiled with the risin’ sun/ Three little birds/ Perch by my doorstep/ Singin’ sweet songs/ Of melodies pure and true” Smile away Libra because “Everything’s gonna be alright” according to your friend Bob Marley. No matter what crappy, things happen just remember, birds are singing- sing along!

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

“Instead of breaking up/ Let’s do some kissing and making up/ Don’t throw our love away/ In my arms why don’t you stay”
Uh oh Scorpio, a past love is yearning for you once more. You’ve been hit with “Baby Love” by Diana Ross and the Supremes. Sometimes time apart spawns a sultry reunion. Think it over.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

“Every woman got one/ Shut it down when the time’s come/
Pull out the big gun / and put your freakum dress on”
“Freakum Dress” by Beyonce, popqueen of the decade. Hit the town and shake it, cause the stars are aligned in your favor. Now for all you male Sags, just “suit up,” and go work your game.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends/ Make it last forever friendship never ends”
Where to go for wise advice about the future? The Spice Girls and their hit song “Wannabe,” like, duh. So tell that new someone in your life that you really really want them to accept your friends.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

“Do you realize? That you have the most beautiful face/ Do you realize? We’re floating in space/ Do you realize? That happiness makes you cry/ Do you realize? That everyone you know someday will die”
Hey there beautiful, stop being so modest and get enlightened by the Flaming Lips’ “Do You Realize.” After all, humanity is doomed so get out there and do everything on your list.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

“I ain’t sayin’ you treated me unkind/ You could have done better but I don’t mind/ You just kinda wasted my precious time/ But don’t think twice, it’s all right”
“Don’t think twice it’s alright” by Bob Dylan is all about forgiving you. Even though some recent debauchery ended up on Facebook. People forgive, and you should also check out un-tagging.

Hey Homies! Time to kick in the new year with a bigger and badder predictions master. I.C. Futures couldn’t predict his own doom and now he is gone. But 2010 is all about livin’ it up and slammin’ it down. Follow my advice, keep it real, and keep it naked. Very Naked. Welcome to winter term Concordia!

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

Hey baby, you in luck this week because Mercury is in your ass and soon someone is gonna come knocking on your door. Your basement door. Wink wink. Take advantage, “cause I know you been hungry for a while, and this surprising new character will fly you to the moon and then back for more!

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

Honey, you better stick your face into some big, fat books, or else you gonna regret it. Big time. Mars is grindin’ in your corner so just ignore that cat that’s staring you down, it only wants to tear you apart, limb by limb. And you better than that. Meow!

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You know when people stare at you when you striding on the street, and you’re thinkin’ you look so damn fly? Ya, well… you ain’t. They can’t handle your scary look, G. But this doesn’t have to last forever. Go buy yourself some new wear right now darlin’, ’cause you attracting some homeless hound dogs.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Sugar mama, you been workin’ yourself way too thin. Drive your pimp ride to the liquor store and buy yourself some juice. Neptune is tellin’ you to release some negative energy so pour it in, drink it down, and go crazy! Or just watch reruns of Fresh Prince and fantasize your heart out.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

Now look here you slackoff, I know about that mischievous little bitch who’s been hasselin’ you for much too long. Jupiter’s screamin’, “Get off your ass and kick some booty!” So pay attention; now’s the time.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

Listen up home slice, stop posting nasty pictures of you and me mackin’ it out on New Years. It only happened that one time, so move on. I got bigger fish to fry. Also, Saturn wants you to un-tag me in your profile pic; you need to work on your sweat stains.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

You think you’re such a diva but your oversized tiara is frosted with fool’s gold, hun. Seeing as your moons are all lined up, if you give up some of your bling to charity ain’t no more scrub gonna be hollerin’ at you, at least for this week.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Throw out all “em Blink-182 CDs buddy, it’s a new decade. This week is the perfect time to start listening to some greats like Kanye and Jay-Z, since all the dwarf planets are in orbit in your stratosphere. You in some serious need of an attitude adjustment and those boys will teach your white ass how to bump and grind. Bust a move baby!

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

Pants feelin’ a bit tight? That’s cause your junk be bustin’ right out of them jeans. Who do you think you are, J-Lo? Your booty looks more like Jello. Shifting up a couple sizes ain’t so shameful. Go shopping, Venus thinks the exercise will help with the weight loss.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

Your feet hurtin’? Maybe it’s because you’ve been havin’ too many walks of shame. It makes you look cheap and dirty. Not in a good way. All the planets are angry with you. Take a shower, shave the pornstache, and maybe chow down on some Wheaties; you’ll be able to get some of your mojo back, maybe.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Go outside in the snow and drop your whole body in it. Sure, you’ll be cold and you may get frostbite, but that’s what makes a true Gangsta. And this week is your time to attain G status! Also, stick your tongue on a frozen pole. Uranus promises it won’t stick.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Life is blinding you baby; the sun is shining only for you this week. Go frolic in a forest, preferably one with tall, bushy trees and prostitutes. Extra respect if you run naked and let all your dirty bits hang out.

Hey Homies! Time to kick in the new year with a bigger and badder predictions master. I.C. Futures couldn’t predict his own doom and now he is gone. But 2010 is all about livin’ it up and slammin’ it down. Follow my advice, keep it real, and keep it naked. Very Naked. Welcome to winter term Concordia!

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

Hey baby, you in luck this week because Mercury is in your ass and soon someone is gonna come knocking on your door. Your basement door. Wink wink. Take advantage, “cause I know you been hungry for a while, and this surprising new character will fly you to the moon and then back for more!

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

Honey, you better stick your face into some big, fat books, or else you gonna regret it. Big time. Mars is grindin’ in your corner so just ignore that cat that’s staring you down, it only wants to tear you apart, limb by limb. And you better than that. Meow!

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You know when people stare at you when you striding on the street, and you’re thinkin’ you look so damn fly? Ya, well… you ain’t. They can’t handle your scary look, G. But this doesn’t have to last forever. Go buy yourself some new wear right now darlin’, ’cause you attracting some homeless hound dogs.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Sugar mama, you been workin’ yourself way too thin. Drive your pimp ride to the liquor store and buy yourself some juice. Neptune is tellin’ you to release some negative energy so pour it in, drink it down, and go crazy! Or just watch reruns of Fresh Prince and fantasize your heart out.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

Now look here you slackoff, I know about that mischievous little bitch who’s been hasselin’ you for much too long. Jupiter’s screamin’, “Get off your ass and kick some booty!” So pay attention; now’s the time.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

Listen up home slice, stop posting nasty pictures of you and me mackin’ it out on New Years. It only happened that one time, so move on. I got bigger fish to fry. Also, Saturn wants you to un-tag me in your profile pic; you need to work on your sweat stains.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

You think you’re such a diva but your oversized tiara is frosted with fool’s gold, hun. Seeing as your moons are all lined up, if you give up some of your bling to charity ain’t no more scrub gonna be hollerin’ at you, at least for this week.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Throw out all “em Blink-182 CDs buddy, it’s a new decade. This week is the perfect time to start listening to some greats like Kanye and Jay-Z, since all the dwarf planets are in orbit in your stratosphere. You in some serious need of an attitude adjustment and those boys will teach your white ass how to bump and grind. Bust a move baby!

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

Pants feelin’ a bit tight? That’s cause your junk be bustin’ right out of them jeans. Who do you think you are, J-Lo? Your booty looks more like Jello. Shifting up a couple sizes ain’t so shameful. Go shopping, Venus thinks the exercise will help with the weight loss.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

Your feet hurtin’? Maybe it’s because you’ve been havin’ too many walks of shame. It makes you look cheap and dirty. Not in a good way. All the planets are angry with you. Take a shower, shave the pornstache, and maybe chow down on some Wheaties; you’ll be able to get some of your mojo back, maybe.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Go outside in the snow and drop your whole body in it. Sure, you’ll be cold and you may get frostbite, but that’s what makes a true Gangsta. And this week is your time to attain G status! Also, stick your tongue on a frozen pole. Uranus promises it won’t stick.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Life is blinding you baby; the sun is shining only for you this week. Go frolic in a forest, preferably one with tall, bushy trees and prostitutes. Extra respect if you run naked and let all your dirty bits hang out.