Greetings colleagues. This week we’re all going to learn a new word. A new, magnificent word that will tell you everything you need to know about your life this week. Read on and be educated! That’s what we’re here for right? Hmm.
Aries &- March 21 to April 20
eupeptic: 1. to digest, having good digestion. 2. healthy and happy; cheerful. You will be all smiles this week – just as long as you chew your food properly. And trade in that candy for some dried fruit. Natural sugar is your friend.
Taurus &- April 21 to May 21
hyperesthesia: an abnormal sensitivity of the skin or some sense organ. Your senses are heightened, which means you absolutely must take advantage! Go swimming, shop for a fuzzy sweater and feeeeeel stuff.
Gemini &- May 22 to June 21
itinerate: to travel from place to place or on a circuit. It’s all about the routine this week, wake up, groan, eat, study, get caught in the rain, socialize, eat, nap?, go out, dance, fall down, get home, sleep, and so on.
Cancer &- June 22 to July 23
buprestid: metallic-coloured beetle which when eaten caused cattle to swell up and die. The beetle is danger. The cattle is your daily life. So stay away from shiny metal objects like clean car hubs and new doorknobs this week or you’re going to do something stupid. Like forget about that exam.
Leo &- July 24 to August 23
supercool: to cool a liquid below its freezing point without causing solidification. You are a rock-star this week. Everything is going to flow and swoosh into place like uber freezing liquid. Remember to wear ripped jeans and a white T-shirt.
Virgo &- August 24 to September 23
trimorph: a substance that crystallizes in three distinct forms. This week will occur in three parts. First: depression as you go to early classes. Second: alleviated depression as the weekend shines closer. Third: Weekend. Relief. Happiness. Glory.
Libra &- September 24 to October 23
paphian: [in reference to the worship of Aphrodite] of sexual love; erotic. That’s right, it’s time to get it on Libra. “Just a dry spell” is only an acceptable excuse for so long. Get out there.
Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23
wastrel: a person who wastes; a spendthrift; good-for-nothing. You must be green this week. Turn off the tap when you’re pearling your whites, avoid using the oven for every meal, and leave that heat down when you go on a three-day rave.
Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21
triphthong: a complex vowel sound involving three continuous vowel sounds in one syllable. You are overthinking your words, and your life. Going to three different parties in one night can be exciting. But you end up missing out on the naked guy at the first one. Keep it simple.
Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20
lamdacism: to pronounce imperfectly. Turns out pronouncing “schedule” is not the only this you’ve been doing imperfectly these days. Time to shape up your act and clean your room or something. You will be happier when things aren’t in a big mess.
Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19
magnifico: a person of high rank or great importance. This week you may feel as though you have too much responsibility, too much to do. But do not fret, because you are a VIP and probably also a PYT. So it’s all good!
Pisces &- February 20 to March 20
tonus: the slight continuous contraction characteristic of a normal muscle in a state of rest. Okay seriously, stop falling asleep in class. I’m in the class after yours and it’s unpleasant to wipe your drool off my spot. Wake up. Life is happening without you.
[Definitions courtesy of Webster’s New World Dictionary.]