Home Spoiler Alert: Skyline

Spoiler Alert: Skyline

by admin November 23, 2010

Spoiler Alert: Skyline

by admin November 23, 2010

Man. I love special FX (you know, the cool, hip, fresh way of saying “effects”). Like when I’m sitting in a dark movie theatre for 92 minutes watching glowing blue tentacle monsters reach out of the sky to grab and eat the brains of innocent civilians to off-synchronized sounds of crushing metal and high-pitched screams. I eat that shit up. Of course, when Skyline, a movie that features those things and nothing else came out, you can only imagine my absolutely boundless excitement. So all you have to do is sit back and rest easy knowing that those blue tentacle monsters aren’t after you, ’cause I got y’all covered &- I saw Skyline so none of you ever have to (not that you would want to… ever).

Okay, so here’s the plot: there’s a group of really good-looking people waking up after a huge party, and they’re all kind of foggy. But, there’s a weird blue glow coming from the windows and they’re pretty sure it isn’t from the all of the Quaaludes dropped the night before. So when Jared, one of the super handsome guys (played by Eric Balfour) opens the blinds and becomes enchanted by this glow and his skin suddenly turns scaly and zombie-esque, they have a pretty good reason to start freaking out. He turns back to normal, though, so that’s good.

This story is mainly about Jared and his girlfriend, who are visiting L.A. from out of town (which validates the seediness of all the other characters, as well as the one awkwardly placed “I hate L.A.” joke). There are other good-looking people, like a really vapid brunette chick and a bitchy blond waif but they gradually get picked off. So yeah, don’t worry about them. Well, except Donald Faison’s character, Terry, who is the only non-Caucasian cast-member so they introduce him with really shitty rap music and he’s the only one who’s got a gun (just in case the viewers forgot he was black.) He’s good for a quick line but his brain gets punted like a football, so…. not really that important.

It turns out that these blue orbs of light come from these huge octopus-like creatures that lure humans in and then drill tentacles through their heads. That’s basically it. And yeah, they try to milk about a drop of emotional merit out of the pregnant girlfriend moment. Some other girl lights a cigarette in her presence (sure, they’re being circled by population-destroying tentacle monsters, but secondhand smoke is the silent killer).

There’s also some old guy who thinks he’s really bad-ass because he drives a nice car and has a mustache, but, again, really, it’s kind of just about these blue aliens and their desire for human brains. Oh, and we never actually find out where they come from or anything. Probably not important. And, I know, I know, but where are all the other people in the world? Isn’t anyone else doing anything about this? Apparently L.A. can’t defend itself against aliens, and neither can the piddly little government fighter jets that eventually get swatted away.

In the end, the pregnant girlfriend is the last one remaining and she’s screaming and quivering on the surface of this huge monster with all the other victims and you see their insides getting sucked out like they’re on the steam table of some Prince Edward Island lobster buffet. So it’s really just 92 minutes about a couple who try to make it out alive and then do, but just barely, because they wanted to really ambiguously set up a sequel. Bam. Credits.

And, really, I mean, who even needs things like proper story arcs when you have special FX? Leave that shit for Steven Spielberg and James Cameron.

Man. I love special FX (you know, the cool, hip, fresh way of saying “effects”). Like when I’m sitting in a dark movie theatre for 92 minutes watching glowing blue tentacle monsters reach out of the sky to grab and eat the brains of innocent civilians to off-synchronized sounds of crushing metal and high-pitched screams. I eat that shit up. Of course, when Skyline, a movie that features those things and nothing else came out, you can only imagine my absolutely boundless excitement. So all you have to do is sit back and rest easy knowing that those blue tentacle monsters aren’t after you, ’cause I got y’all covered &- I saw Skyline so none of you ever have to (not that you would want to… ever).

Okay, so here’s the plot: there’s a group of really good-looking people waking up after a huge party, and they’re all kind of foggy. But, there’s a weird blue glow coming from the windows and they’re pretty sure it isn’t from the all of the Quaaludes dropped the night before. So when Jared, one of the super handsome guys (played by Eric Balfour) opens the blinds and becomes enchanted by this glow and his skin suddenly turns scaly and zombie-esque, they have a pretty good reason to start freaking out. He turns back to normal, though, so that’s good.

This story is mainly about Jared and his girlfriend, who are visiting L.A. from out of town (which validates the seediness of all the other characters, as well as the one awkwardly placed “I hate L.A.” joke). There are other good-looking people, like a really vapid brunette chick and a bitchy blond waif but they gradually get picked off. So yeah, don’t worry about them. Well, except Donald Faison’s character, Terry, who is the only non-Caucasian cast-member so they introduce him with really shitty rap music and he’s the only one who’s got a gun (just in case the viewers forgot he was black.) He’s good for a quick line but his brain gets punted like a football, so…. not really that important.

It turns out that these blue orbs of light come from these huge octopus-like creatures that lure humans in and then drill tentacles through their heads. That’s basically it. And yeah, they try to milk about a drop of emotional merit out of the pregnant girlfriend moment. Some other girl lights a cigarette in her presence (sure, they’re being circled by population-destroying tentacle monsters, but secondhand smoke is the silent killer).

There’s also some old guy who thinks he’s really bad-ass because he drives a nice car and has a mustache, but, again, really, it’s kind of just about these blue aliens and their desire for human brains. Oh, and we never actually find out where they come from or anything. Probably not important. And, I know, I know, but where are all the other people in the world? Isn’t anyone else doing anything about this? Apparently L.A. can’t defend itself against aliens, and neither can the piddly little government fighter jets that eventually get swatted away.

In the end, the pregnant girlfriend is the last one remaining and she’s screaming and quivering on the surface of this huge monster with all the other victims and you see their insides getting sucked out like they’re on the steam table of some Prince Edward Island lobster buffet. So it’s really just 92 minutes about a couple who try to make it out alive and then do, but just barely, because they wanted to really ambiguously set up a sequel. Bam. Credits.

And, really, I mean, who even needs things like proper story arcs when you have special FX? Leave that shit for Steven Spielberg and James Cameron.