In acknowledgment that many of you students likely pick up the paper simply for the sudoku before throwing it away, we’ve come up with a few home uses for the Concordian that anyone can take advantage of.
1) The tap funnel
We’re all for the ban on bottled water or whatever but how can you drink from the tap when your sink is filled to the brim with dishes, specifically to the point where your bottle or Brita doesn’t even fit under it? The tap funnel is how. All you have to do is roll the newspaper into a tight hollow tube, preferably with the end matching the size of your faucet. Place one end over the faucet, and the other into your glass/mug/Brita/mouth and turn on the tap. The water may come out black with ink, and while our ink wasn’t made from vegetables, we’re pretty sure you’ll live. Heck, now you’ll know the taste of print that editors experience when they fall asleep on their stack of flats.
2) The table mat
We’re all for cleanliness, and this one is pretty self-explanatory. What poor university student is going to spend their hard earned dollars on table mats? It’s not only full of dribble, but it’ll catch your dribble too.
3) The wallet stuffer
We’re all for making money, but most of us don’t. As journalists we have even less time than the students who we assume attend classes, which is why we don’t have time to make real money with real jobs. In order to bulk up that flimsy wallet in your back pocket, grab a few pages of the Concordian, fold them up and slip them into the unused slots of your wallet. Just make sure you leave a bill sticking out the top, because if you leave the newspaper sticking out you may find yourself in a weird predicament like…
4) The preacher-a-way
We’re all for freedom of religious expression, but if you have a roommate or someone in your apartment who is rather preachy and won’t let you choose your God in peace, the Concordian has you covered. Most issues of the Concordian, for some unintentional (or intentional) reason or another, contain a penis. We can’t explain it, they just find their way in. So pick up an issue, highlight the little guy and leave it laying around in plain sight. Odds are they’ll think you’re beyond the point of being saved and stop trying.
5) The journalist condom
We’re all for safe sex, but latex can get annoying and if you don’t use magnums the brand itself can be a source of embarrassment. We suggest you pick the smallest section of the paper (Life), wrap it around your member and put a rubber band over top to secure it in place. If you’re really concerned about pregnancy, throw on Sports for that extra two pages of protection. It also makes for quick and easy clean-up.