10. Insane Clown Posse – The Mighty Death Pop!
ICP’s Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope are releasing yet another album, and if you ask me, they’ve already produced several too many. The hardcore hip-hop duo from Detroit have a dedicated following, the “Juggalos,” and I think it’s time to put them all on a deserted island and wave goodbye.
9. Willow Smith – Knees and Elbows
The Fresh Prince, who once dabbled in music himself, should know better than to shove his 11-year-old daughter into the spotlight at such a young age. Her first single, “Whip My Hair,” turned me into a born-again Christian and now I pray for some freak natural disaster to delay her album’s release.
8. Marilyn Manson – Born Villain
Manson had that one hit, “The Beautiful People,” back in 1996. I remember hearing it at school and I loved it. Then, his shock-rocker persona wore off and support for his music waned. He dropped off the map a while ago. It’s hard to imagine the 43-year-old reinventing himself and producing good music again.
7. Goatwhore – Blood for the Master
Goatwhore play blackened death metal. Imagine yourself on the 105 bus early one morning and your iPod shuffles to Goatwhore. It’s the kind of music that evokes the scene in A Clockwork Orange when Alex has to “snuff it” by jumping out a window. You’d want to do the same in this case.
6. Guns N’ Roses – TBA
G N’ R is your childhood friend who lives abroad. He sends an email every now and then, boasts about having a luxurious lifestyle but never proves any of it. He finally shows up and you’re so disappointed to realize he’s but a shadow of his purported self. That’s what Chinese Democracy was like, and what Guns N’ Roses’ next album will be as well.
5. Iron Maiden – En Vivo!
Iron Maiden have been around for 35 years. There’s something odd about seeing a bunch of 55-year-old men singing heavy metal songs that made them somewhat famous three decades ago, because then I imagine my dad dancing and singing on a stage, wearing makeup and tights. It’s not a pleasant image.
4. Kiss – Monster
Why won’t you die, Kiss? Your music doesn’t appeal to today’s generation. Heck it didn’t appeal to the last one either. You can’t compete with Nicki Minaj. Only a handful of artists have managed to sustain popularity for four decades, and you’re not one of them. Go back to the circus from whence you came.
3. Lindsay Lohan – Spirit In The Dark: Reborn
Lohan has enough problems, and going back to recording music will not solve any of them. The 25-year-old, whose aged well beyond her years due to a series of questionable experiences, should probably focus on improving her mental health instead of risking embarrassment by way of another shoddy album.
2. Aerosmith – TBA
I thought Iron Maiden and Kiss had been around for a long time. Aerosmith has been active for 42 years. Steven Tyler’s screechy rendition of the American national anthem at the AFC Championship Game was further proof that his retirement form the ‘biz is well overdue.
1. Cannibal Corpse – Torture
I actually enjoy Cannibal Corpse—I use it to fall asleep. The sonic assault reminds me that there are people a lot angrier than me out there and that my petty problems aren’t worth worrying about. I was reluctant to add them to this list but, as a fan, I hate the fact that they’ve stuck to the same exact formula for 23 years.