Have you ever been the only sober one at a party? It kinda sucks, eh? You have to make sure nothing gets broken—from your bestie’s unnecessarily high heels to her drunken heart.
All of a sudden you’re on clothes, phone and boy patrol, shielding all of your friends from involuntary hook-ups and public humiliation. Let’s face it, you love your friends and you would do anything for those crazy mother truckers, but sometimes situations can get hard to handle. Here is a list of those situations and how you can handle them without losing your cool.
What to do if your friend is:
1) Hooking up with a 4/10
Try to get her attention. This might be hard if she’s playing a hardcore game of tonsil hockey with him, but in that case, just rip her away.
The next part gets a little tricky. Tell her the guy would be better suited for a horribly lit “before” photo than Cosmo’s two-page “Most Eligible Bachelor” spread. Remind her that she can do way better. She might go on the defensive and claim you’re trying to “steal” him, but just repeat yourself and hope that some of it sinks in.
2) Stumbling around like a kitten on roller skates
If she’s wearing heels, get them off her. I know, you’re downtown, it’s dirty, who knows what she could be stepping on?! But as my mother always says, “Better a foot fungus than a broken ankle!” … or something like that. If she’s wearing flats and still can’t walk, time to put her in a cab and get her home. In order to not feel like you’re trying to manoeuvre the Leaning Tower of Pisa down the street and into a car, enlist the help of another friend. Two is better than one.
3) Blabbing like she has stocks in gossip
First, resist the urge to push her down a flight of stairs. For this one, it’s always best to confront her right then and there, and then to bring it up the next day when she is, hopefully, a bit more sober. Also, just a quick reminder ladies, “I was drunk!” isn’t a valid excuse for breaking a friend’s trust and telling all 150 party-goers that she makes music videos with her cats on Saturday nights.
4) Going to be sick
Act quickly and act subtly. If a drunken friend tells you she’s going to be sick, find the closest bathroom or discreet hiding space. Do not announce it to the rest of the party, or even to any of your other friends. Go with her, make sure she doesn’t choke or fall asleep hugging the toilet, and then get her up and cleaned off. It’s not the most glamorous part of your job, but sometimes you just have to suck it up!
There you have it—how to deal with your drunken friends. Now that you (and they) are safely home, have a glass of wine. You deserve it.