Home Arts Breaking news: Fictional characters are hooking up

Breaking news: Fictional characters are hooking up

by Frédéric T. Muckle February 11, 2014
Breaking news: Fictional characters are hooking up

Graphic by Jenny Kwan

Since Valentine’s Day is at our doorsteps, The Concordian has put together a team of very serious and very real “cultural scientists” that has cogitated for a week to deliver to you a list of especially peculiar couples. More precisely, this article is a complex experiment trying to put some of our favorite fictional characters together — crossing them over from literature, television and the big screen. Keep in mind that the results presented below are not some average “best couples” from People magazine — instead, you will be reading about original duos that would make sense (or not) in the fictional melting pot that is our collective imagination. Also, there may (probably will) be spoilers.

A very logical couple

One is a favorite methamphetamine producer with a wife that does not respect or support his ambitions and a brother-in-law that wants him gone from future family reunions. The other is the mother of a king, has a particular talent for exploiting and manipulating the people around her, seems to have some daddy issues, and becomes a widow of her own accord. We are talking here of Walter White and Cersei Lannister, characters from two of the most praised television shows of the past few years — Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones.

When you think about it, it makes absolute sense that those two should end up together: both are unquestionably in ‘empire business’, they both have sons that could bond and become friends over breakfast and, let’s face it, it would be beneficial for both of them to get out of their present, unhealthy relationships. If it were to happen, Heisenberg could expand his market shares by selling his Blue Sky all over the seven kingdoms of Westeros, and Cersei could easily orchestrate a sophisticated stratagem to assassinate and corrupt the whole establishment of Albuquerque. Logical, wouldn’t you say?

A most sexy/badass couple

Sexy characters, especially women, are usually only depicted as eye candy and not much else. Still, isn’t it more sexy when said attractive character has some kind of specific skill, a taste for adventure or any other unusual but spicy habit? That is exactly what we would have by coupling famous archeologist/teacher/explorer/hero, Indiana Jones, and the vengeful and beautiful Angel of Death, as represented by The Bride from Tarantino’s classic Kill Bill movies.

It may seem like a weird match at first but if you really think about it you will realize that they belong together. First, they love to travel around the world. OK, it is true that Indiana Jones is trying to find ancient artifacts and fight Nazis and The Bride travels around the globe to find and annihilate her ex-coworkers but still, we could easily picture them together in an all-inclusive resort holding hands and sipping on some piña coladas. Also, they would both benefit from each other’s personality traits. The Bride could learn to relax a little with Mr. Jones’ laid-back attitude, and Indy could finally break his pattern of rescuing women and dumping them after each adventure by choosing to be with the independent and fierce blonde assassin that would not be afraid of snakes.

Finally, the simple fact that this couple could kick the ass, both figuratively and literally, of Brangelina or any other celebrity supercouple demonstrates that they deserve the title above.


While we’re at it…

A most necessary couple

In a perfect world, Justin Bieber would be dating the Queen of Hearts from Lewis Carroll’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It is true that Justin Bieber is not a fictional character — but sometimes it feels like he is.

A woman like the Queen of Hearts is needed in this young man’s life because sincerely, this boy needs some discipline. A dictatorial girlfriend like this would probably do the trick.

A most dysfunctional couple

Dorian Gray (The Portrait of Dorian Gray), one of literature’s most egocentric aristocratic characters, and Dennis Reynolds (It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia), one of television’s most self-centered white-trash characters.

One cannot help thinking that they would form the most unpleasant double date partners of all time. Still, they would probably understand each other perfectly.


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