In recognition of Canadian singer Lights’ firstborn child being introduced via social media with the obscure (and unjustifiable) name Rocket Wild Bokan, I’ve decided to give my future son or daughter the name Whipna Choba Dog.
I mean, why the hell not? It means “that’s cool” in Simlish. Besides, I’m just so avant garde and desperately want to join the ranks of countless other people who don’t realize how stupid their “modern” kids’ names sound.
There is no real collection of words to encompass how I feel about this subject. And apparently, there is no collection of words too obscure to mark down in permanent ink on a birth certificate.
This so called “trend” seems to have expanded gradually over the decades. The simple, concise names of the 1950’s, like “Robert” and “Jane” were more or less obliterated when musician Frank Zappa introduced his unconventionally named children: Dweezil, Ahmet, Moon Unit, and Diva Thin Muffin… I know.
Unconventional is really just a euphemism for idiotic — a diplomatic way of passing a very obvious judgement on a parents’ choice.
Zappa made way for the millennials, the contemporary group of offspring whose names and phone numbers, in some cases, very well resemble each other. Off they traipse to school: Gwen Stefani’s son Zuma Nesta Rock, Penn Jillette’s daughter Moxie Crimefighter, Pharrell’s pride and joy, Rocket Man, and Nicolas Cage’s son Kal-El. As they come and go, parents of decades past scratch their heads and collectively sigh in resignation.
This is a generation of parents whose moronic actions influenced government officials in Sonora, Mexico, to make it illegal to call your child “Facebook” or “Panties.” But why on God’s green Earth would you even attempt to give your kid a name like that?
I’ll tell you why: naming your child something unintelligible is an act of narcissism.
When a child is born, they’re too small and underdeveloped to express any future interests or definitive personality traits. Parents can’t feasibly pick a name for their baby based on what it likes or who it’s going to become. It is a decision fully rooted in the parents’ interests, or the parents’ need to differentiate themselves from other people. By proxy, the children are affected. It almost seems that a parents’ intellect and cultural savvy is somehow supposed to be represented in the name they choose for their child. Or they feel this undeniable need to be contrary to social norms and traditions.
The unfortunate fact is, when you name your child, you are inherently giving them a standard to live up to. A nonconforming name should, by default, breed a nonconformist, right? Wrong.
How limiting is it to be raised and ridiculed in the shadow of your own name? In all honesty, would you expect someone like Bob Geldof’s daughter, Little Pixie, to grow up and be anything other than a tattooed socialite and angsty party girl? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t strike me as a name that would get anywhere near vocational training or medical school applications.
I would honestly love to see a behavioural study done on children with bizarre monikers. Really, are they raised with an inherent sense of entitlement because they feel that they’re completely unlike everyone else? Or are they overshadowed, and saddened by the fact that no one can accurately pronounce or spell “Espn” or “Shoog?”
In the end, many modern families will argue that if their child is nourished and well loved, what does his or her name really matter?
Indeed, I’m sure that little Toilet Seat Fender Cactus will live a very happy life. He definitely will grow up to pursue a successful career as an investment banker.