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Let’s talk about sex

by Sara Baron-Goodman March 3, 2015
Let’s talk about sex

I’m picking up good vibrations. Good good good good vibrations.

At a (very civilized) dinner gathering last week, as my friends and I depleted the last drops of our fourth bottle of wine and geared up for a viewing of Hysteria, conversation naturally turned towards the many splendors of the vibrator. One friend cringed as she recalled a painful moment of her not-so-faraway youth when her mother gifted her with a shiny silver bullet-like vibrator (the gift that keeps on giving, amirite ladies?), which led to an evaluation of the personal massagers we’d known and loved.

The two men at the table were both slightly confused and one asked, “I don’t get it, why do you need more than one type?”

Sweet, innocent boys. That’s like asking if you have whiskey in the house, why do you also need to be stocked with gin, rum, vodka, and several kinds of wine? Or why would you ever need more than one flavour of ice cream? More than one kind of sweater? Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. Just as every snowflake is special, so is every sweet pattern of vibration on your special snowflake.
So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, the tools to lend yourself a different kind of lovin’ every other day of the week:

1. The bullet
Small, compact, and easily disguisable as a lipstick (or other vague cosmetic), these ’lil buggers are a nice starter vibe. They’re usually between two and three inches tall, so unless your vaginal canal is microscopic, these guys are really best for external stimulation. Most have only two or three speeds, but more sophisticated varieties have more.

2. The rabbit (or off-brand rabbit cuz those babies are not cheap)
Charlotte in Sex and the City loved hers so much that she shut herself off from the outside world in favour of a weekend-long love-in with her new, erm, pet. The good ones have a rotating dildo-esque piece as well as the little bunny (or dolphin, puppy, cat, ladybug, etc.) branch piece for clitoral stimulation, so you can double-whammy yourself till the cows come home. Most have several speeds, with various rhythms that pulsate both internally and externally. There exists a variety of sizes, as well as options for all the cutest animals that Noah let onto his ark. Now let them sail your lovely lady waters.

3. The his and hers
Giving into some good vibrations doesn’t necessarily have to equate to being a lonely celibate spinster, sitting alone in an unmade bed pouring Half Baked and cheap Chianti into your mouth. Quite the opposite, in fact, as certain toys like the We-Vibe and the Lelo Tiani, amongst others, are specially designed for simultaneous his-and-hers pleasure enhancement. The basic concept is a U-shaped little trinket that allows for clitoral and G-spot stimulation while also keeping room for a peen. The vibrations apparently are guaranteed to tickle both your fancies, hitting all her important bits and giving a little bit of buzz to his shaft as well. As you rock and thrust and shift and shake, the vibrator rocks and thrusts and shifts and shakes with you, giving that little extra pep to your coital step. Can’t possibly be bad, right?

4. The novelty
There as as many different vibrators as there are stars in the sky (and in your eyes after you use one of these bad boys). After you tackle the basics, get something to satisfy your niche needs. There are vibrators, like the one designed by OhMiBod, that hook up to your ipod or iphone and pulsate along with the rhythm of your favourite music. Talk about rocking your body. If you’re a fan of cunnilingus (and who isn’t?) there’s a toy for that too. The Lelo Ora, and its wallet-friendly knock-offs, swirls and throbs and essentially licks you, emulating the most sophisticated of tongue-work. Then there are endless varieties of remote-controlled vibrators, which come quite in handy for long-distance sext sessions (the other person can control your vibrations from afar—but more on that another day). Really, the possibilities are endless.

So arm yourselves with a bulk pack of batteries and give something new a spin. There’s a whole world out there to discover. One last word to the wise: you’re better off splurging a little more, as the $30 variety from that sketchy sex shop on the corner are either nothing you want near your sensitive bits, or else will be pitifully anticlimactic. Trust me, this is one area where you don’t want to skimp—it’s worth doling out some extra dough for something that will bring you so much happiness, again and again and again.

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