Love Hurts. So do wretched scary movies

It’s the week before the Big Love Day.
Wal-Marts all over the province have been exhibiting their red-and-silver Hershey Kisses since their unsold artificial Christmas trees went into storage.
The pigeons spend their days tenderly cuddling against each other on windowsils all over the city.
There’s something in the air. And that something is the promise of romance for those suckers who believe in it – like me.
Just to make sure that my sweetheart will display only acts of affection on Valentine’s Day, rather than decide to take on any ultra testosterone-like characteristics, I’m allowing him to get all the machismo out of his system one week early. Sleep in until 1 p.m. on a Sunday? Sure. Watch Junkyard Wars rather
than Pop Stars? I can live with it. Catch a scary movie? Oh… alright.
So, I decided that it would be better to see the new slasher flick Valentine, directed by Jamie Blanks, last Monday than to risk having my guy take me to a surprise showing on February 14. Scary movies are not my idea of a romantic time – and that remained unchanged after leaving the theatre.
While the characters of Scream joked about the formula that horror movies must follow, those responsible for making Valentine went strictly by the book.
Meet Paige (Denise Richards), Kate (Marley Prescott), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) and Shelly (Katherine Heigl), five great-looking, cellphone-toting, tight clothes-sporting twenty-somethings who seem to be incredibly successful in everything but their love exploits. And while they’re
not aware of it, they’re all in serious trouble.
So far, I’m not impressed. The boyfriend and his wandering eyes are obviously happy up until now examining Denise Richards’s tense and scantily clad bod. It had better be all about wine and candlelight dinner on the 14th, Buddy.
Enter the nasty murderer who’s threatening the safety of the Five Sweethearts.
See, back in 1988 at a junior high Valentine’s Dance, the class outcast Jeremy Melton tries in vain to get one of the girls to dance with him. And those girls were pretty mean with their rejections.
2001: The revenge. Grotesque love notes are sent one by one to each of the ladies, signed by a mystery J.M. “My love grows for you as you bleed from your neck.” Eugh. So, the clock is ticking as one friend after another is killed.
Could there be a connection with young Jeremy?
I am concerned. Ladies in scary movies are really quite dumb. Why do they leave the lights off in dark, scary rooms when they hear a noise? Why do they trap themselves in even scarier corners when they run away from their attacker? Why don’t they use their cellphones to call for help in these emergency situations,
especially since these too-perfect-to-relate-to victims flagrantly use them on all other occasions?
One nice element of the movie: Kate’s boyfriend Adam (Angel’s David Boreanaz) is rather easy on the eyes. Yes, so I can lust after actors, too.
Pretty people aside, the movie won’t bring too many True Loves together. So, to those who thought it might be cute to take your Valentine to see Valentine on Valentine’s Day, I’m giving you a week to change your plans.
Flowers and a love note would be far more appreciated. Hell, even some of those aging Wal-Mart Kisses would do. But Sweetheart, keep in mind that after taking you to the movie, I’m worth at least a box of Godivas.

Paige (Denise Richards) and Kate (Marley Prescott) are picture perfect victims in Valentine.


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