Christmas a time for ho ho horror

Christmas is a time of love, joy, peace, blahdy blahdy blah. I love Christmas, I do, but you can only be shoved down by crazed mothers in the Zellers checkout line so many times before that seasonal love begins to wear thin.

I’m sure many of you feel the same way. I needed an out, an escape. And where’s better to escape than the movies? These Christmas gems are sure to satiate any angry elf, films so good they’ll leave your Santa screaming ‘Ho ho horror!’

First up is Black Christmas (1975). Festivities are in full swing at a sorority Christmas party when a pervert has some fun of his own with a horrifying phone call. Sassy Barb, played by Margot Kidder, uses her quick wits to shut him up. She then uses the same wit to send Claire Higgins storming to her room, where she is promptly aphyxiated by an unknown killer. We periodically catch up with Claire as the killer is kind enough to leave her still-screaming corpse by a window in the attic.

The rest of the film constitutes of the heroin, Jess Bradford, trying to find her friend Claire and dealing with her all-too-intense pianist boyfriend.

The killer stalks his prey, murders occasionally and keeps on comin’ with the phone pranks. 1970’s thriller at its best. Plus it’s Canadian. Andrea Martin’s in it.

I swore to myself I wasn’t going to review a Troma movie (makers of the Toxic Avenger and Surf Nazis Must Die) but I got suckered in with Christmas Evil (1980). Get it? It’s a pun on Christmas Eve! A young boy is traumatized one Christmas Eve as he sneaks downstairs to find mommy doing a lot more than kissing Santa Claus. Then for some reason he runs to the attic and cuts his hand. I don’t know.

Cut to the present, 1981, and our anti-hero, Harry, one Brandon Maggart. Basically, he gets taken advantage of by co-workers, made sick by shoddy production at the toy factory and disgusted by the greed of upper-executives. He snaps. Harry glues a beard to his face, paints his van, and Santa Claus comes to town. He tries to jump his bosses outside a cathedral after mass, but these two yuppie jerks get in his way, so he jams a toy soldiers bayonet through one of their eyes and goes at another guy witha a cute little axe. But the topper is when he cuts a guy’s throat with a Christmas tree star. Good and gory.

Jack Frost is a terrifying tale of a serial killer, named Jack Frost, coming back to life in the body of a snowman. Yes, this is the best movie ever made. You know how I know that? It has a holographic box! Jack’s back to revenge himself against Sam, the small town mayor that put him away, played by Chris Allport.

The film begins by a guy being decapitated by a sled. What more do you need to know? I really don’t want to ruin the movie, but as a teaser, there’s one scene where this girl’s taking a shower, and, well… think dirty things about carrots.

If these aren’t enough to refrain you from throwing a gasoline filled Tickle-Me-Elmo into Toys R’ Us headquarters, check out the Silent Night, Deadly Night series.

Santa’s on his way, and until that big, beautiful bag of loot hits a tree near you, watch these movies as they will remind you of the true meaning of Christmas. Or not. They may, however, remind you of the true meaning of plot holes.

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