When I wait too long at the doctor’s office, it’s not unusual that I begin to experience severe paranoia. Sitting there with all the other sick people and never really knowing what exactly is wrong with them just drives me crazy and I can’t help but wonder: Can I catch what they have? Here’s an account of my latest visit.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: I’m here to see Dr. Ornstein.
Receptionist: May I have your Medicare card, please? Thank you. Please have a seat the doctor will be with you shortly.
Well this is not so bad. There’s not that many people here. A baby. He’s probably the one that’s sick. Those things just carry diseases. He seems calm; maybe he’s already on antibiotics. Hmm, what’s this dude reading? The National Enquirer. Damn, I should’ve brought a book. “Angelina cheating on Brad” – no way! I’ll just wait till he puts it down and then it’s all mine. Okay let’s see – there are ten people before me and I’m sure they’re not all waiting for Dr. Ornstein. It shouldn’t be very long. I wonder what SHE has? She doesn’t look sick to me. Maybe it’s diabetes. Or cancer. No, if she had cancer she wouldn’t come to the clinic. Maybe it’s some weird disease no one has heard of, something that starts with a rash and then you die. It could even be contagious; I better not sit that close to her I could catch it.
Why don’t they have an aquarium in here? I could at least look at the fish. They never have aquariums in clinics – why? But they have them at the dentist. What’s up with that? Oh! I was right, rash girl just scratched herself. One more time and I’m moving. Seriously, how long does it take to read The National Enquirer? It’s mostly pictures; he’s had that thing for more than twenty minutes.
I wonder what this guy has. He’s coughing an awful lot. There goes rash girl again. Okay, that’s it, I’m moving. Wait, I can’t move now, it’s just going to look weird. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes. She’ll know it’s because of her. I could go out for a few minutes and then come back and sit somewhere else. What if they call me when I’m gone? No, I don’t want to lose my spot. I could go to the bathroom – no, same problem. Oh, I know! I’ll just go up and ask the receptionist something; when I come back I’ll sit somewhere else. Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m going to na do. Okay, what do I ask her? Hmm. Ah man, now I’m itchy – this how it starts. Think, think! I’ll ask her what time it is. No you idiot there’s a clock the size of a watermelon on the wall right in front of you. C’mon, think! I’m so itchy I can’t think straight. Just don’t scratch. Oh, I know! I’ll ask her where she got that brooch. Maybe she’ll be so flattered she’ll put me before everyone else.
Me: I’m sorry, I was just wondering where you got that brooch? It’s just so pretty.
Receptionist: Oh, this thing. My son made it out of noodles in class this week – I have to wear it or it’ll break his heart.
Me: Oh…well.okay then.
Good job, Einstein. Well, at least it worked. No. No, no, no. She took the Enquirer. Stupid magazine hog, you just had to put it down right when I got up, Now it’s contaminated. I can’t touch it; it’s got death all over it. Oh, someone’s coming out. Maybe it’s my turn.
Receptionist: Miss Johnson, the doctor will see you now.
Ungrateful noodle-wearing hag. If you don’t like the brooch then just take it off when you get to work. Maybe I’m next. I hope I’m next. I bet the damn baby’s next. Oh, someone’s coming out.
Receptionist: Miss Piccioni? The doctor will see you now.
Yes, finally. Wait, why is Rash Girl following me? Get away, get away, what is she doing? Oh – she was just waiting for this dude. I guess she wasn’t sick after all.
Doctor: So Miss Piccioni, what is it you wanted to see me for?
Me: Well I was told to ask you about. well, hold on, I noted these down. Celebrex, Lipitor, Humira, Ambient.cr, Propelene, Lunesta, Advair, Lipozene, and Cymbalta.
