9:00 a.m.: Wakes up, Dick Cheney brings breakfast in bed.
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9:45 a.m.: Watches Fox news for all the latest unbiased news coverage.
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11:00 a.m.: Tries again to point out Iraq on a map, fails.
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11:35 a.m.: Receives phone call from Prime Minister of Canada.
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11:38 a.m.: Tries again to point out Canada on a map, fails.
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12:00 p.m.: Lunchtime. Tries not to choke on pretzel. Dick Cheney stands by just in case.
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12:30 p.m.: Naptime.
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2:00 p.m.: Goes for a run with secret service. Needs them to find his way back home.
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3:00 p.m.: Tries again to point out White House on a map, fails.
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3:25 p.m.: Receives phone call from Nancy Pelosi, future Democratic Speaker of the House. Shouts “I can’t hear you, I’m going into a tunnel!” and hangs up.
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3:30 p.m.: Naptime.
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5:00 p.m.: Curses himself for teaching Mark Foley how to use text messaging.
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5:30 p.m.: Receives phone call from Condoleezza Rice, tries not to feel intimidated by her use of big words.
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6:00 p.m.: Suppertime. Dick Cheney makes him eat all his vegetables.
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6:30 p.m.: Watches CNN, curses “liberal” media.
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7:00 p.m.: Receives phone call from evangelical church leader who denies gay affair.
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7:20 p.m.: Crosses off said evangelical church leader from Christmas card list.
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8:00 p.m.: Decides he needs a vacation. Plans to spend next three weeks at Camp David.
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9:00 p.m.: Bedtime. Dick Cheney reads bedtime story.
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