8:00 a.m.: Wakes up, makes sure hair is still immobile.
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9:00 a.m.: Gets a call from Stockwell Day. Tells him he’s tying up the phone line and to get off in case George W. Bush calls.
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10:00 a.m.: Cuts out another newspaper picture to add to his George W. Bush shrine.
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11:00 a.m.: Finishes redecorating 24 Sussex Drive with posters of Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan.
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12:00 p.m.: Lunchtime, served on a silver platter by Peter Mackay.
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1:00 p.m.: Overhears someone mention Michael Ignatieff. Crawls into fetal position crying ,”he doesn’t exist, he doesn’t exist!”
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3:00 p.m.: At routine press conference, dodges every question by answering “no hablo ingles.”
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3:15 p.m.: Press notices him twitch every time Belinda Stronach is mentioned.
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3:30 p.m.: “Kyoto? What’s a Kyoto?”
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3:45 p.m.: Gets into his car that has been idling away with the motor on for the last two hours.
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4:00 p.m.: Sits next to phone, waiting for “important longue distance call from Georgie.”
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5:00 p.m.: Phones George W. Bush. After repeating his name three times and spelling it twice, finally gets Bush to remember him.
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6:00 p.m.: Supper with Quebec Tory MPs. Curses British government for not assimilating French Canadians when they had the chance.
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7:00 p.m.: Unwinds at home in front of favourite movie, Lord of the Rings. Roots for Sauron.
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9:30 p.m.: Decides during upcoming overseas diplomatic trip to stick up for Chinese human rights.
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9:45 p.m.: Receives petition to extend marriage to same-sex couples. Throws it in the trash.
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10:00 p.m.: Before falling asleep, decides he might try to sneak in at Camp David.
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