BDSM Men, makeup, swords and blood

When I saw early stills from the movie 300 back in November, I was excited. “The technology used to create the battle scenes was revolutionary,” they told us. “It’ll be unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” we were promised. The first reviews that surfaced about a month ago were positive ones and although I was skeptical because of my indifference towards Sin City (also a Frank Miller adaptation), I believed the hype and told myself that there was no way it could flop.

When I saw early stills from the movie 300 back in November, I was excited. “The technology used to create the battle scenes was revolutionary,” they told us. “It’ll be unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” we were promised.

The first reviews that surfaced about a month ago were positive ones and although I was skeptical because of my indifference towards Sin City (also a Frank Miller adaptation), I believed the hype and told myself that there was no way it could flop.

What’s the worse that could happen? Awe-inspiring animation was basically guaranteed and as I normally choose to be entertained visually rather than verbally, I decided to leave my usual post of illegal-movie-getter and actually pay to see 300.

Man, was I ever wrong. Compare this movie to the sinking of the Titanic, without the arrival of the Carpathia. There was nothing to prevent this “epic” from completely bombing and here are the main reasons why it didn’t fly (possible spoilers ahead). Firstly, every battle scene is in slow motion! Is that supposed to impress anyone? I can understand the possible coolness factor of watching a man slowly decapitate another – once – but honestly this formula cannot be successfully replicated for two hours. If I wanted to spend five seconds watching someone fall to the ground I’d pay my grandmother to do it.

Secondly, the emotional moments in 300 are laughable at best. They are so phony and unbelievably over the top that no one can take them seriously. Men dressed in BDSM gear, wearing makeup and wielding giant swords cannot persuade me to feel anything, let alone sadness or excitement. Many of these cheesy moments were directly inspired by movies such as Braveheart (when Mel gives his passionate speech) or Lord of the Rings (pick any cheesy moment).

Thirdly, I have never seen such pathetic opponents in a movie. I understand that the premise involved a battle between 300 Spartans and a million Persians but for Pete’s sake, make it a bit more of a challenge. Why don’t the opponents have shields? Why are they all a foot smaller and 100 pounds lighter?

Why can’t they tie their shoes or wipe their noses? My last complaint has to do with the blood used in the movie. In relation with the slow motion fighting scenes, the blood that appears suddenly disappears a few seconds later.

You would expect to see mangled corpses and vast battlegrounds covered in blood, however the animated gloop vanishes once it flies off the screen. It would obviously create a more believable war scene to have the ground covered in blood but alas, none could be seen.

If you want my advice, don’t waste your money on this wretched monstrosity unless you’re stricken with insomnia or you’re the kind of person who stabs their own eyes for pleasure (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

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