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The Howl

by Archives October 9, 2007

Keep your hands where they can see ’em if you go doughnut hunting in Farmington, Missouri. One man got caught stealing a doughnut and could face a jail sentence as long as thirty years to life!
Before some of you roll your eyes and start thinking I’m anti-American, let me remind you that last time I took a pretty strong position against the RCMP and their latest stupidity.
It just so happens that I consider the following extremely demented, and it is a perfect example of how backwards western law can be sometimes.
Scott A. Masters, 41, walked into a Country Mart corner store (which as I can figure is about as happening as a bordello on a Sunday) early on Wednesday morning on Dec. 6, 2006 and shoplifted a doughnut.
The doughnuts, which are “FRIED FRESH daily in the store,” cost 52 cents each and are in a display case right next to the bread, which is probably also “FRIED FRESH,” daily.
Employees saw Masters take a doughnut and place it into the pocket of his sweatshirt. When he didn’t pay for it, one of the cashiers ran after him and confronted him. Masters says he offered to pay for the doughnut but the cashier declined and grabbed him by the arm. The cashier says at that point, Masters pushed her away and ran for it.
Little did Masters know, with that push he committed is termed as “strong-arm” robbery and it carries a hefty sentence of five to fifteen years! The cashier jumped into her car, followed Masters, called the police, and Masters was apprehended just a few minutes later.
The cashier by the way is a 54-year-old woman, and Masters is five-foot-six and about as imposing as a dwarf with pneumonia.
Masters, or “the doughnut man” as he’s called these days, was stunned when he heard about the “strong-arm” robbery charge.
“I can’t believe this crap,” he said.
That’s not even the worst part; Masters has been charged by police before. He’s been caught for marijuana possession, minor shoplifting (how much more minor could it have been than a single doughnut?), being drunk in public, etc.
So instead of being threatened with only five to fifteen years for doughnut lifting, the prosecutor is seeking thirty YEARS TO LIFE!
The prosecutor says that people are missing the point and it’s not about the doughnut. Well Madame Prosecutor, what IS the point? Because if you’re going to spend almost $23,000 of tax payers’ money a year to keep this man in jail for stealing a 52 cent doughnut, then you really have to draw us some flashcards here.
In fact, if you can bring us a really big calculator with big buttons and a big display and demonstrate the math to us on this one, that would be appreciated.
(I’ve e-mailed this woman the link to math.com with hugs and kisses, so far she hasn’t responded.)
This is just the latest absurdity that I’ve found in the news, and it goes to show how messed up the justice system is over here in the West. (Canada included people.)
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not defending the fact that this guy stole a doughnut. Hell, if I was a cop in bum town Missouri and some little guy stole MY doughnut I’d probably want a run at the little offender myself.
However, the doughnut is 52 cents! Maybe he did “push” the woman, but they’re charging him with the same sentence as a carjacker who beats a driver to near-death to steal his car!
Talk about grand theft pastry…
No one even remembers what kind of doughnut it was.

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