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The Revenge of Thomas Malthus

By Archives March 25, 2008

Ladies and gentlemen, eco-warriors the world over, our green revolution has begun! For 200 years, the fat cats of industrial capitalism have reigned as imperial conquerors. Each and every single one of them was a corporate Hitler, Stalin or Pol Pot, contributing daily to the oppression of humanity. Never more!
Consider our achievements. We have converted popes, princes, kings, heads of state, and indoctrinated whole governments under the gospel of global warming. We have purged the scientific community of heretics, infidels and non-believers. We have baptized the poor, ignorant masses in pools of ethanol, and thereby extended hope for environmental salvation to all mankind.
However, our trials aren’t over yet. We still encounter the rare, coal-hearted charlatan who dares to criticize our prophecies of apocalyptic climate change. Thankfully we know how to deal with those agitators. Whenever and wherever sceptics pop up, we must cudgel them with conventional wisdom, and assassinate their characters. Without credibility no one will believe their lies. It worked for McCarthy, during the Red Scare, and there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work for us.
We don’t have a moment to lose. According to our most accurate theories, within the next century the oceans will boil over like a super-sized hot pot. The icecaps will melt, Bangladesh will drown, and Kilimanjaro will bare her rocky bust to the world unencumbered. Kyoto didn’t go anywhere near far enough.
The only way that humanity can avoid this ecological cataclysm is by shutting off all greenhouse gas emissions today. We will have to ban all automobiles, industry, heating oil and, perhaps controversially, all flatulence. Yes, surprisingly, the single largest source of all methane emissions is cow farts. As cows are notoriously reticent to hold it in, we may have to consider mass cattle extermination. It may be the only way to save Earth.
Now, it will be difficult to feed six billion plus hungry souls without fertilizer, farm equipment or motorized transportation. When we make the green leap forward and embrace our innocent nomadic roots, most of our diet will consist of nuts and berries. Unfortunately, we’ll only be able to scavenge enough to sustain a few hundred million people. The great bulk of humanity will, in all likelihood, honourably martyr themselves to avoid the Malthusian trap. This can be accomplished by staging a lottery, with recycled paper of course, to determine who stays and who goes. Vegetarians and PETA members will obviously get extra tickets, but carnivores and oilmen need not apply.
Breathe it in my friends. Can you smell the crisp, fresh, air of our new Atlantis? We’ll finally be able to live in peace and comfort with the plants, trees, birds and bees. When the history tablets are etched in stone, for lack of paper, we’ll be remembered as the generation that stood up for a greener future. Congratulations eco-warriors, our time is now!