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Fred Penner rated high-risk threat

By Archives April 1, 2008

The UN Anti-Terrorist Committee has finally confirmed long-time speculations that a new terrorist threat has been lurking within Canadian borders for decades – beloved children’s entertainer Fred Penner.
Apparently the tip-off for the authorities was a repeating code word picked up via wiretap during Penner’s conversations with a contact known as “Word-Bird.”
These revelations came just weeks ago, when Penner visited Montreal as a guest at the McGill Education Graduate Student Society Conference.
UN officials now speculate that Penner’s performance for children at Hampstead Elementary School may have served as a pretext for high-level plotting against Canadian targets.
RCMP now suspect that Penner was involved in a plot to train woodland animals as carriers for bomb vests and that he may have been responsible for several rabbit attacks on prominent politicians.
For years, Penner entertained children all over the country with his many songs and his television show Fred Penner’s Place. Security officials are now convinced that he has been at the forefront of a campaign of anti-establishment indoctrination.
How Penner stayed undercover for so long is a mystery to Canadian Security Intelligence Services (CSIS) operatives, but they conjecture that his shambling gait and too-friendly demeanor were “simply too lovable and disarming.”
“It’s odd how the nicest people can turn out to be evil,” said Canadian children’s entertainer Raffi during a press conference yesterday. “Sure his songs were a bit messed up. All that singing about sandwiches, allergies and even a party under the sea, but not psycho-crazy messed up.”
The RCMP has a warrant out for the arrest of Sharon, Lois and Bram in connection with the stabbing death of the Elephant Show elephant last Tuesday. They speculate this murder was at the request of Penner himself.
RCMP communications officer Constable Pierre-Carl Cinq-Mars said officials currently believe the stabbing and the Penner Terrorist Organization are unrelated.
The Canadian Federal government issued a warning to the general public to destroy all known copies of Fred Penner recordings. CSIS has not yet filtered through the entire Penner discography, but after only two days, they have already found embedded lyrics relating to human metamorphosis and cats being able to survive explosions and train wrecks.