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Harper government vows to fight illegal immigrants

by Archives April 1, 2008

Stephen Harper’s cabinet has revealed a new strategy for immigration control to combat a growing influx of illegal migrants.
“With the increase in immigration we plan to test an experimental tactic to slim the growth,” said Citizenship and Immigration Canada Minister Diane Finely at the press-brief. “We believe a more hands-on approach is necessary.”
Starting next week, Harper and all cabinet ministers will be spread out across the country at major airports in an attempt to scare off Canadian newcomers. Unsuspecting illegal immigrants will find themselves bombarded by punching, kicking and biting Cabinet ministers, who will be rotating shifts.
“We have been training for weeks and we’re pumped to get the ball rolling. Bring it on!” belted Stockwell Day, who seemed more than enthusiastic to start this ‘zero-tolerance’ campaign.
When questioned about this strategy’s fairness, Harper stated, “If they make it through the gauntlet, they’ve proven themselves worthy of citizenship.” A citizenship booth will be posted behind the ministers in order to start the immigration process for stronger and more determined newcomers.
Liberal support is weak, but just enough not to lose confidence. When asked for comment, Liberal party leader Stéphane Dion stated he will be lending only a few members of his party, who will be giving slight taps on the behind with a quick wink.
Arrival of the news in Europe and Asia led to mass cancellations of plane tickets booked to land in Canada. “I have seen photos of the Canadian Prime Minister, he looks scary,” said an Iraqi citizen who had just cancelled his flight to Canada, “I think I’ll take my chances here.”
The plan has received controversy from Canadian citizenship hopefuls and their governing bodies alike. United States President George W. Bush gave the project a thumbs-up and is eager to see the results.

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