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Sport of billionaires

by Archives April 1, 2008

The world’s wealthiest citizens have found yet another way to make themselves feel superior to the average citizen, as plane racing has become all the rage amongst elitist pricks.
“It’s a rush, I put up the 2008 Microsoft investor’s profits against Ted Turner’s Atlanta Braves in the New York-LA circuit,” said billionaire Bill Gates.
“We delayed seven different flights for 72 hours, but it was worth it,” he gushed in highly pitched nerdy accent. “I smoked his ass by 45 minutes. Booya!”
Gates’s newfound passion? Racing his Gulfstream 747 against other members of the Airfluents, a collection of wealthy air enthusiasts who seek thrills and excitement on the world’s air highways. The Airlfuents was founded by Gates and Turner, following a failed bid to buy the F1 racing circuit in order to convert it into a series of private courses accessible for a fee of $10,000.
“Out of that broken dream, we looked to the skies,” said Turner.
Gates and Turner set to convert their private jets to allow for them to fly their own plane with ease. On the urging of Al Gore, The Airfluents converted their jet engines to run on soy sauce.
Though environmentally clean, the sauce slows the jet’s airspeed to about a quarter of the speed maintained by commercial airlines during flights.
With the limits and restrictions imposed on air travel, the Airfluents must run their races between certain airports, challenging the local billionaire member to a race to the next destination.
While this has provided the Airfluents with an ideal set of courses on which to race on, these ‘air highways’ are also used by commercial airlines.
This makes for severe ‘billionnaire delays’ as members of the Airfluents are happy to pay the various airport landing and parking fees, allowing them to run their plane races at a whim.
“My flight has been delayed due to a billionaire run, but what the heck,” said a business traveler. “They are richer, more powerful and thus better than me, so let them have their fun.”
At the top of the racer standings is the Sultan of Brunei, who claimed the top position after challenging incumbent Richard Branson of Virgin Inc. The Sultan owns a Boeing 747-400 furnished with gold plated furniture, with an estimated value of $233 million, including $3 million on furniture, six smaller planes and two helicopters.
He began racing after he was given an honorary commission in the United Kingdom’s Royal Air Force as an air chief marshal. He has been flying ever since, with little or no training to supplement his honorary title.
“I am very excited about being tops in this sport, especially by beating that British pussy Branson,” said the Sultan.” You should see the air traffic controllers’ faces when I bring her down!”
With the Airfluents’ racing season going on all year-long, expect more flight delays as the world’s richest fly their slow planes for kicks.

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