Study shows 80% of cats aggravated by lolspeak

A recent study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania, used five cats in a three-day trial to see if the animals were more responsive to the simplified lolspeak dialect of English than to colloquial English, yielding fascinating results.
“This study’s results suggest that degenerative language is a trait belonging solely to humans,” said lead researcher Dr. Robert Knowles.
In the controlled experiment, scientists sequestered the cats in different rooms and monitored them by means of a two-way mirror. Random sentences were taken from an arbitrary piece of literature (in this case, ‘Genesis 1’ from the Old Testament), ‘translated’ into lolspeak and read to the cats through speakers. Scientists were keen to observe pulse rate, respiration, fur shed rate and qualitative behavior.
The study saw strong opposition from PETA, with members dressing up as cats smeared in blood.
“Cats have fragile minds,” said Catherine Smith, local PETA organizer. “They shouldn’t be forced to listen to these scientists reading to them. I know because I can talk to them.”
What happened next is something straight out of a Philip K. Dick novel.
As soon as the cats were subjected to lolspeak, their heart rates jumped on average by 289 per cent. Cat 1 (‘Mimzy’) suffered a kitty-stroke and had to be removed from the premises. Efforts to revive her proved unsuccessful.
Cat 2, an African tawney named ‘Trumpet,’ reacted violently upon hearing ‘Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs’ and used his paws to cover his ears in an attempt to “snuff it out,” according to the report.
Cat 4, (‘Richy,’ a German cat), took longer to react because scientists were unclear whether he was cleaning himself or trying to “lick the filth off his fur.” When the passage mentioned food (‘An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm’) he began hissing and ramming his head repeatedly into one of the four walls.
The other cats exhibited similar behavior such as spitting, tail twitching and screeching, with the exception of ‘Wimsy,’ who slept through the entire trial. It was later discovered he was deaf, so his results were eliminated from the report.
The scientists concluded that; A) The test could not be administered properly if tin foil was located in the room, B) The cats DO NOT WANT to hear any more lolspeak and finally, C) the study proves conclusively that cats hear more than “blah blah blah” when spoken to by humans, which forever puts to rest the argument put forward by the Simpsons’ yellow propaganda machine.