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The Concordian Slate: Your New CSU

by Archives March 31, 2009

(From the president’s desk) After years of reporting and complaining about the dismal performance of student politicians, Concordian reporters and editors finally took matters into their own hands and won by an unprecedented margin of victory in the 2009 CSU elections.
The new president hinted at some “strong measures” which will dramatically change the political landscape at student union politics.
“There’s been enough talk in council meetings. The less talk we have, the better. We’re going to seek out all undesirables on campus,” said Karen Fournier, president-elect of the Concordia Student Union and editor in chief of the Concordian.
She did not elaborate on how the undesirables will be dealt with.
Diego Valor, graphics editor and CSU VP Defence, said he will launch a new campaign against terror and is considering conscription to gather an army of students to join the fight in Afghanistan.
“Screw the tuition campaign. The CSU must honour its commitment to NATO and take the fight to the insurgents. Concordia is in danger of terrorist attack at any moment,” said Valor, in between gulps of celebratory wine.
Besides security, the new CSU will focus on gathering funding from students, not by advertising it as “consolidating its by-laws,” but rather by withholding crucial services until students fork over an additional $50 per semester to build the much-anticipated student union centre.
“We won’t have anymore trouble getting students to care, I can tell you that,” said Jacob Serebrin, new VP Propaganda.
Other things on the agenda include dissolving the student-run health plan and replacing it with a volunteer student-run clinic. Babygirl Westhill, VP Sexyducation, will be launching a new CSU 101 to teach first-year students the finer points of sweet, sweet lovin’ in case they missed out in high school. “I will do every thing in my power to educate students on sexyducation, even if it means one student at a time, three students at a time, or in a communal session.”
Lastly, the executives are already in the planning stages for a new feature-length film and will finance it with the $1.8 million available in student funding.
“We don’t need student clubs, or Loyola luncheons. What we need is a good movie to get Concordia’s name out there. There’s gonna be lots of action, explosions and lots of sex,” said Serebrin.
“I heard The Link made a movie. Whatever happened to that?” he asked no one in particular.
Notable A-list stars being recruited by the CSU include Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal. Legendary film director Spike Lee, this year’s guest of CSU’s Speakers Series, was also in the talks with the CSU but no deal was reached by press time.

The new CSU welcomes comment and feedback from students. Please E-mail Concordian.government@gmail.com.

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