Aries – March 21 to April 20
Caution be damned! Throw it to the wind! Its time to get bold! Its time to get sassy! The stars predict exclamation marks in abundance! You will have to choose between financial gain and sexual pleasure, unless you’re a prostitute, in which case one equals the other!
Taurus – April 21 to May 21
You’ve been working hard, so reward yourself. Take a few spins around the block with good friends, it won’t get old. Strange voices in your head that keep you from sleeping aren’t demons but friends. Talk back to them, ask them how they’re doing.
Gemini – May 22 to June 21
Someone close to you will do something unexpected this week. Think long and hard before you decide how to react. Don’t let the fruits of your labour go all black and rotten, eat them before it’s too late.
Cancer – June 22 to July 23
The future is hazy this week. Stick to your guns, choose fight over flight. An acquaintance will call on your expertise. Show them you know more than they thought you did. Make the phone call you’ve been putting off, a pleasant surprise is waiting on the other end of the line.
Leo – July 24 to August 23
Things are changing in your love life this week. Venus, the planet of passion, will cross directly through the heart of Leo in the coming days, which can only mean good things, if you are prudent. Remember that you have balls and a brain, and you’re only in top form when you’re using both in equal measure – that goes for you too ladies.
Virgo – August 24 to September 23
You will question your hairstyle and opt for a change. A brother will arrive and leave your apartment messy. A close friend’s work schedule will keep him away from an important event. But don’t give up on him, because he misses you dearly. Call him later in the week and fun times will be had by all.
Libra – September 24 to October 23
Keep your mouth shut if you know what’s good for you. We’ve all seen what happens to people who were talking when they should have been listening. If this means backing down from an argument even when you know you’re right, just do it. There will be plenty of opportunities to win back your pride soon.
Scorpio – October 24 to November 23
A series of fortunate events will fortify your belief system. Be aware of your surrounding and look around. No one can stop you from achieving the ultimate goal which is the one you score in overtime.
Sagittarius – November 24 to December 21
Have you found yourself wandering down hallways and forgetting why or how you got there? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us. There’s nothing wrong with having a few cobwebs in the old brain box for now.
Capricorn – December 22 to January 20
When life gives you lemons, you don’t settle for lemonade. No, gentle Capricorn, you take those lemons and make lemon meringue pie. And what a pie it will be. If you’re not one for understanding metephors, that means you’ll make the best of a bad situation.
Aquarius – January 21 to February 19
Ignore the unmentionable itch you have yet to tell your friends about, because a visit to the doctor’s office will only complicate things. Keep an eye on your wallet, because the stars indicate that your purse strings have been a little loose as of late.
Pisces – February 20 to March 20
You don’t wanna mess with Shady, cause Shady will fucking kill you. If you’re outmatched, quit before you get outplayed. You have strengths – you know it, I know it, THEY know it. But your weakness is not knowing your own limits. Also, you’re looking good this week, have you been working out?
