Horoscopes

Aries – March 21 to April 20

Don’t be afraid to make a controversial decision. Your judgment has been getting better, that trend will continue this week. A tenured official will make you an offer you can’t refuse, but not in the bad way.

Taurus – April 21 to May 21

We’ve seen one season melt into another. The greater population tends to engage the world on a fair weather basis, but not Taurus. Maybe this week, you could consider going for some walks in the great outdoors on foul weather days, like old times. Use the opportunity to build on friendships that have been developing over the years.

Gemini – May 22 to June 21

Don’t let an issue steep too long. Tea tastes better when the water is poured over the bag, not the other way around. Get back into a craft you’ve been avoiding, pick up that instrument, that brush, that pen. You wont regret it.

Cancer – June 22 to July 23

Feeling crabby? Hahaha. Sorry for the pun, but seriously, you’ve been being crabby lately, literally. Substance abuse is only looked down in certain circles, in others it’s actually a prerequisite. Now you just have to decide whether or not you want to hang with the cool kids or not, and which kids are the cool ones. Tough.

Leo – July 24 to August 23

Who are you? WHO? Is it who you think you are, or who others think of you? Indeed! Tears are a noble outlet, and so are smiles. Is it possible to cry and smile at the same time? Give it a shot, maybe you’ll be an emotional pioneer.

Virgo – August 24 to September 23

Two plus two doesn’t equal five because it does, its because big brother says so. Remember that next time you write a test or have to answer a skill-testing question. Don’t leave your valuables unattended, give them to a friend instead.

Libra – September 24 to October 23

That special someone has been barking up your tree. How does that make you feel? Make sure yours is the only three they’ve been barking up. Avoid stressful situations, but don’t run from them. Play a prank on someone you live with, they wont appreciate it, but it will be good for a laugh.

Scorpio – October 24 to November 23

Put down the remote, turn off the radio. In fact, the stars advise you to throw away all of your multimedia devices, all technology. From now on, according to the stars you’re only allowed to use pencils and paper. You can read books, but only ones printed before 1950 without any pictures. Failure to comply could mean certain doom.

Sagittarius – November 24 to December 21

Bank robber D.B. Cooper jumped out of a plain with $1 million and disappeared into the woods forever there after. His story became part of the great American narrative, a national mystery, but in all likelihood, he died a painful death and never got to spend any of his money. That’s a metaphor for you.

Capricorn – December 22 to January 20

Go back to that special island in your mind. Eat only processed food. Try to kiss a local, but refuse a kiss from a foreigner. The foreigner could look local and the local could look foreign, so like, ask to see their papers, just to be sure. Wouldn’t want to upset the powers that be.

Aquarius – January 21 to February 19

The prostitute you’ve fallen in love with will let you put it “up there” because she likes you more than her other Johns. Though it might be tempting, this is really a signal that its time to move on. Find a trick that’s less clingy, you shouldn’t mix business and pleasure.

Pisces – February 20 to March 20

The heavens are showering gifts on Pices this week. One fish, two fish, ill fish, you fish. Get excited, because a blizzard of contentment awaits. I bet you don’t even know what that means, but seriously, its work getting worked up over!

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