the great coffee conundrum

VICTORIA (CUP) – As we bid a slow goodbye to summer and buckle down for the semester ahead, many students begin to rely on coffee to make it through the grueling pace that school can ask of us.
Make no mistake, coffee is a powerful stimulant and it takes a certain amount of internal fortitude just to order a venti soy latte, extra hot, no foam, with a straight face.
Coffee is our drug of choice – and what a drug it is. Since the Industrial Revolution it’s been at our beck and call, eager to offer an energy lift and, eerily enough, enable us to work at repetitious tasks, never breaking concentration until the whistle blows and we can scurry home.
Coffee culture has taken a hold of our society by the gonads and given it a vicious twist in the last few decades. And, contrary to popular belief, it isn’t all roses.
On a recent sojourn to Vancouver I was tickled to see a Starbucks for every Starbucks on Robson Street. Coffee is a great servant but a terrible master, the kind of master who threatens with the promise of a quivering sphincter.
Coffee, or “the black death,” if you will, is a designer drug. Used in moderation it can certainly give you a lift but if you overdo it, an anxiety attack is never far behind.
Bean juice is tough on the bladder, too, especially for women. Coffee is a diuretic so it makes you sweat, and sweat stinks – it’s just a few urethra crystals shy of being urine, hence those yellowy stains on many an undershirt, right? Gross to the max!
Too much coffee can lead to halitosis, irritable bowel syndrome, stomach cancer and any number of other awkward social taboos that will practically guarantee that no undulating co-eds will be shimmying anywhere near you.
Quitting coffee cold turkey can be harmful; it causes illness and dependence. Curbing our coffee consumption, on the other hand, is a worthwhile pursuit.
We needn’t bid our barista bye-bye but we can consider a few alternatives to mix things up a bit.
Why not enjoy some herbal tea? Chocolate is energizing, when used responsibly, as is yerba matte and tonics like ginseng and maca root. Or how about ginger tea with lemon? Spirulina and wheat grass can also provide your body with energy of the variety that doesn’t bring you down.
Granted, you might have to fraternize with hippies and pretend to like Phish, but you don’t have to worry about the riling lethargy of a coffee crash.
So, if you like the bubble, toil and trouble in the ol’ intestines or having an entire rugby team push full force in your head, well, maybe excessive coffee consumption is your cup of, um, tea. In which case, smell you later.
As for the rest of us, why talk to clouds on a sunny day?