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Mel Gibson: Rehabilitated By A Beaver

by The Concordian March 29, 2011
Mel Gibson: Rehabilitated By A Beaver

Quality artistic rendering of a beaver, by Evan LePage

After a very public implosion linked to drunked rages, wife beating and overall other craziness actor Mel Gibson’s reputation has been salvaged by… a beaver.

After favourable reviews of the screening of The Beaver at Texas hipster love-in/music/art/comedy/whatever festival SXSW, his star is looking to rise, says notable film critic Cookie Johnson, an esteemed historian of famous persons’ burns and crashes. He’s seen the biggest fall the hardest, and has documented and watched it all from his couch in his mother’s basement.

In The Beaver, Gibson plays a man who is friends with a beaver. The film, directed by pal Jodie Foster, received good reviews from SXSW hipsters and aspiring film critics.

“I give it a shrug and half,” said Electra Carter, an avowed film lover. “I expected this is to be so bad, but it wasn’t. And I guess that’s redeeming, and refreshing.”

“I just really want to see a washed-up guy who made it in the ‘80s rise again,” said mullet-wearer Georgie Giller. ‘If he can do it, so can I.”

“I though this was supposed to be a porno, so I’m disappointed,” said Austin town lecher, Harry Hugh Fields.

Johnson says that this movie might help Gibson put the pedal back to the medal vis-à-vis his career. “Mel has, in a sense, potentially resurrected something that everyone thought was quite dead.”

Gibson once had a successful acting career, forged by a string of hot action movies like Mad Max and Braveheart, and then with chick flick classics like What Women Want in the ‘80s and ‘90s.

But Golden Gibson soon turned sour. “Things were weird enough when he put out Passion of the Christ. That was a heavy, heavy movie, man. Y’know, some people are just not ready for that level of Christianity,” said Johnson, referencing Gibson’s realistic retelling of the final days of Jesus, which was a big hit with church groups. It was controversial for depictions of the proclaimed messiah’s life.

Since then, the actor had left his longtime wife and mother of his seven children, and had taken up with Russian model Oksana Grigorieva. Things spiralled out of control when the two engaged in a messy public custody battle, with recordings of Gibson’s vile spewings and mistreatment of his wife were revealed to the public. Oh, and I forgot to mention the antisemitic rants. Yeah, there were a bunch of those – all captured during a drunken rant when he was picked up the cops.

Gibson attempted a comeback with a cameo in The Hangover 2, but that fell flat when he was uninvited.

“Yup, it was pretty bad,” said Johnson, reminiscing. “His stock went way down, but now I hear from my sources that he’s gotten a haircut, and he’s shopping around town for scripts.”

Gibson has since appeared on Oprah with a talking beaver hand puppet, a “key” redeeming point for bad celebrities, according to Johnson. Time magazine has put him on the top of their watchlist of “Coming Back Up” celebs, just above Britney Spears.

It’s rumoured that now, following Gibson’s sudden rehabilitation, that loser-of-the-moment Charlie Sheen, who will likely live on in notoriety for coining phrases and memes spawning the newfound obsession over ‘tiger blood’ and ‘winning warlocks,’ is currently shopping around for a film about a prairie dog, and disgraced golfer Tiger Woods is looking for a hamster who can carry his clubs.


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