Being a fresh transplant from the grid-like city of San Francisco, I tend to find myself lost in the maze of streets that make up Montreal. My horrible sense of direction within the city, combined with the fact that I don’t speak French, lead me to rely on my trusty iPhone to get around Montreal, as well as other little things (I’ll be honest, I still can’t remember where all of my classes are).
Some iPhone apps are terrific; there are necessity apps, like maps (see above) and there are reference apps, like Wikipedia and news applications.
Other apps veer into a virtual realm of irreverence and pointlessness, a place where vast amounts of time are lost playing with a three-and-a-half inch glass screen. Yet there’s no need to worry about melting your brain with hours of scrolling through the App Store trying to find the cream of the crop of useless, stupid apps, as I’ve taken it upon myself to do it for you.
Jersify – free
Inspired by Jersey Shore, the infamous TV show that everyone loves to hate, this app will make any picture look like you were the life of the party. Take a random picture, go into the app and get yourself some sweet tattoos, a six-pack and a wife beater.
iDrunk Dialer – $0.99
So it’s one of those nights: you’ve had a few too many shots, it’s way too late and you’re feeling a little too social for your own good. If you’re the type to make those annoying, inebriated phone calls, but you’re too drunk to put in the effort of scrolling through your contact list to find that special someone to call for a heart-to-heart conversation, this is the app for you. You pick the people you’re cool to chat up while drunk, and you give the phone a shake to call one up. Use at your own peril, and watch out for what you may find in the morning.
McDonald’s Nutrition Calculator – free
I scrolled by this app and didn’t even think about looking at it, as it seemed somewhat reasonable. If you were on a diet and watching how many calories you consumed, the app makes sense if you unfortunately find yourself at McDonald’s a lot. But thinking logically, if you’re watching your health to the point where you feel the need to download an app for it, you probably shouldn’t be going to McDonald’s in the first place.
Sleep Talk Recorder – $0.99
Do you know if you talk in your sleep or not? Anyone who doesn’t, here’s my question; do you really want to listen to yourself rambling unconsciously about God-knows-what for eight hours? This app doesn’t record all your hours of sleep; it triggers when it thinks you’re babbling. You can even share your incoherent thoughts with the rest of the world and browse through what other people across the globe are talking about in their sleep. Kind of creepy.
Tickle Me – free
The idea is supposed to be that you touch your phone and it vibrates and shakes, as if you’re tickling it. Make the mistake I did, and accidentally turn your phone onto your ringtone while in the library, and it will giggle, too. I don’t know if it is supposed to be a person or the iPhone itself, but either way, it’s a pointless idea for an app, which just caused me a lot of embarrassment.
iVooDoo – $2.99
The priciest app on the list, iVooDoo gives you up to five different dolls and lets you take pictures from your camera roll to put your unsuspecting arch nemeses face onto a doll. Exacting revenge on your ex has never been so easy, but where’s the fun in putting the pins in a doll on an iPhone? Once you can figure out if the pins do anything to the actual person, I’ll consider downloading. Maybe it’ll be in the next update, but I’m not holding my breath.
iBeer – $0.99
One of the original useless apps is arguably also one of the most popular. This visual gag classic basically allows you to mimic drinking a glass of beer on your iPhone as you tilt it back, complete with “digital bubbles.” According to Apple, way back when the first metal iPhones were made, iBeer found its way on the charts of the top 10 most downloaded paid apps. Crazy to think this app was raking in gobs of cash off the simple concept that people will pay to pretend to drink a beer from their phones. Hard to say how that makes sense at all.