Pillow Talk: How to be the best wingwoman ever

I’m sure at some point in every girl’s life there comes a day when she will unknowingly steal a guy from one of her best friends. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to the best of us.

Unless you’re doing it every week, that is just uncalled for. Some of you may be asking, “Is there anything I can do to make it right, Christine? Or will I walk through life alone, with no friends and no relationships?”

Well, you might—I make no promises. But I can tell you how to make the most epic come-back ever: be the greatest wingwoman your scorned friend has ever seen.

Here are the steps you need to follow:

1) If your friend says she is interested in someone, act like he has a flesh-eating disease.

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, start flirting with him. I feel like I don’t even need to tell you this, but some girls just don’t get it. No matter how cute you think he is, she said it out loud first. This means you have lost your chance at ever marrying this guy.

2) Leave your friend with your girls and go talk to him.

Strike up a casual conversation but squash any ideas he might have about getting into your pants; mention you have a boyfriend, tell him your apartment can hold “about thirty cats,” or say you have to leave at midnight to check on your porcelain doll collection. Make sure to talk up your friend by saying nice things about her (ex. “She has very nice eyelashes,” “Her hair always does that swoopy thing all by itself,”

“She only knows two dance moves, but she can do them both really well,” etc.). Don’t get too friendly with the guy and make it very clear that you are only there for one purpose. This is where the next step comes into play.

3) Casually, VERY CASUALLY, invite him over to your table.

You can do this any way you want, but usually try to hint at the fact that your friend is into him. This is the moment when he will look to- wards your table and hopefully see your bestie laughing at something hilarious and he will realize that she is beautiful and will want to date her. If he decides not to come visit your table, it’s time to move on and move up. Ditch the loser, pick out the hottest guy in the crowd, and get your friend some action. But from personal experience, saying, “See that girl over there? She wants to know what those khakis would look like on her bedroom floor AYOOO!” is not appropriate or successful for any party involved.

4) As soon as they start having their own conversation, leave.

Seriously. Leave.

Follow these four steps and you will be instantly forgiven for being a maneater. Or not. Sometimes people are best left unforgiven.

Graphic by Jennifer Kwan.


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