Zombie apocalypse level: hide-and-seek

Graphic by Jenny Kwan

You would be ill informed if you said it was nonsense and perhaps ill advised if you still haven’t taken the necessary precautions when it does come. Despite the fact that it may seem childish and untrue, it is only a matter of time before the zombie apocalypse does terrorize our planet. Now, we may still have some time, but like many fearful Americans during the Cold War, we too should take exaggerated precautions to survive our most dangerous war yet.

Graphic by Jenny Kwan

For now, here is a list of the 10 best places to hide and survive when the zombie apocalypse hits Montreal.

1. Prison

Yes, maybe I have been watching too much of The Walking Dead, but who are you to judge? It’s an excellent simulation of what our world would become when subjected to these ruthless beings. That being said, I think a prison camp, such as the one on Montreal’s North Shore, would be a good place to shotgun. The already established high security as well as access to food and water, and more importantly, heavy artillery, heighten your chances of survival.

2. Costco

If you asked 100 people where they would hide during a zombie apocalypse, 98 would say Costco. They make a valid point. Costco is a vast market that sells basically anything you would need to live there permanently — survival 101. However, it may be easy for zombies to gain access to the lower floors. Therefore, I would suggest building a fortress with all of your necessary products on one of the shelves, like Dane Cook and his buddies did in the mediocre comedy, Employee of the Month.

3. Wal-Mart

Similar to Costco, Wal-Mart would also be an excellent place to settle when the worst comes. As an avid zombie connoisseur, I’m ready to take it a step further: Wal-Mart in Plattsburg, New York. Why there? Well, Plattsburg is home to the closest Wal-Mart south of the border. Let’s be honest, if you were trying to survive something as dangerous as zombies, you’d probably want to be in an American Wal-Mart, where access to food and necessities is doubled. And let’s not forget guns, lots of guns.

4. Pierre Elliot Trudeau Airport.

The mere size of the airport is enough to make it a gem of a hiding spot. There is access to food, as well as weapons and ammo taken from the numerous security guards. However, what I really like about the airport is the diversity in hiding. If ever you need a plan B, you can simply find refuge in an abandoned airplane, hide in the cockpit, and use tramcars for occasional food and ammo runs.

5. Police Station

Please be warned: not all police stations would be suitable for zombie survival. For starters, most are badly located in the busiest parts of town and might already be infested beyond cleansing. That being said, a well-located police station would be a good place to start. Guns would be at hand, as well as other weapons, and in times of serious desperation, when all hope seems lost, you can lock yourself up in the mini-prison cell they have in most stations and fight your way out safely from there.

6. Hall Building

This is the only valid reason to go back to school during a zombie takeover. This 13-floor massive structure on de Maisonneuve St. can be an ingenious spot if necessary steps are taken to make it impenetrable. First, block all access to the higher floors however you can. Then, proceed to take the elevator to the highest floor with all of your necessities. Make your home there, while making sure you find a way to keep the elevator on your floor. When runs are necessary, take the elevator down cautiously.

7. Cinemas Guzzo – Marché Central

What’s unique about this particular movie theatre is that it’s on a second floor. The only way to access it is through escalators at the front of the theatre. In similar fashion to the Hall Building scenario, block off the entrance completely. You then have a few options, like making a home in one of the movie rooms, on the top floor, preferably. Also, you’ll have access to the wonderful cinematic experience Guzzo offers while blood-thirsty zombies are at your doorstep looking for your head.

8. McDonald’s playground

This may seem like an odd suggestion at first, but think of the possibilities: barricading yourself in this glass room, climbing on top of the jungle of fun and having a 360-degree view of your surroundings. Nothing says ‘safe’ like having eyes everywhere, and that’s what McDonald’s can give you. They also have fries.

9. St. Joseph’s Oratory

Considered one of the most majestic structures in Montreal, the oratory is advantageous to the hider for many reasons. First, it’s situated on a hill, making it difficult for slow moving zombies to get there. Also, if in possession of a sniper, which I suggest, the dome of the oratory offers an excellent shooting point for some long distance zombie killing. With adequate barricading at key points, the oratory would be an excellent stronghold for quite a few people.

10. Laval

Simple, because nobody likes going to Laval. Nobody.

Please make sure you print this out and hold a copy at all times. The time has come for mankind to defend itself against its biggest foe yet. Let’s make sure we’re prepared, and let the games begin!


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