What goes through the minds of the average heterosexual couple during sex?
Ladies
By Michelle Gamage, Production manager
Phase one: Seduction game strong
Hm. Look at my butt. It’s looking pretty fine today. Actually it’s looking damn fine. Look at that! Every angle! Perfect jiggle, perfect bounce. MMM. Hey you, you noticed my butt today? Oh yeah you did. Come here and check out my butt. Oh. You are checking out more than my butt I see. Well, that’s perfect because I am looking FINE today. A good butt day is a good everything day. Yes I am a sex goddess, come here and worship me. Wow you took off your pants really fast. Wait, how did you get my pants off too? Impressive. You are like a sex magician. Find me a comfortable surface, sex magician. POOF! A bed. Let’s do this thing. The beast with two backs. The dirty business. The horizontal tango. Hold on, let me get my shirt off. Wait, you have to roll off me first. Hold on, you put your leg there, I can lean on this elbow here and. Wait. I’m stuck. Help? WAITOWOWOWOWOWIT’SSTUCKONMYBLOODYHAIRSTOPWAITOW oh god.
Phase two: Distractions, distractions
Yes, check out my beautiful bra. My boobs look so good in this bra. Totally worth dropping $80 at that stupid lingerie shop. Wait no don’t take it off yet you have to admire it first! Fine. Stupid. Mmm kissing nipples. Very nice. Wait. You’ve done this before. You sucked your mom’s nipples before. Weird. Are you thinking of your mother’s nipples right now? Eweweweweweweweweweeeewwww! Babies are weird. Wait. Babies. Did I take my birth control today? Uhhh. Yes. Yeah I had it with orange juice right after I brushed my teeth and it tasted gross. Why is that? Huh. Do I still have minty-fresh breath? Wait no I had lunch. Oh fuck I had stupid onions on that sandwich. Do I have bad breath? Do I have B.O.? What if I smell?
Phase 3: Yes
WHOA WHAT DID YOU JUST DO. That felt good. Do that again! Oh hell yeah. Things are getting hot and heavy up in HERE. YES. Oh yeah kiss my neck and hold me all close. Now do it all rough.
Phase 4: What the hell are you doing?
Why are you still doing it rough I want it all slow and sensual again! Why can’t you just keep up with me? It’s not that hard to notice my hand slapping your butt, isn’t that a clear enough code? Honestly. Wait, you want me to put my leg where? Uh, sure, let’s try that. Oh, okay. Hm. Wait, too far. Didn’t come here today for a fucking yoga session. Hold on that actually feels really good. Yeah keep it like that. Wait leg cramp leg cramp leg cramp leg cramp! Owowowowoowowoowooooooowww! No okay we are good, keep going, disaster averted. Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if a baby was conceived during a painful leg cramp? That’d be a hell of a story to tell a child someday. Why have my parents never told me about my conception story? Wait. My parents. Having sex. Ew. Oh god I might be sick. Those butts pumping everywhere. Like what is happening now. Like what is happening all over the world. Wait. How many people are having sex in the world right NOW? Now? Now? I wonder what people sex-moan in other languages. I don’t know enough Cantonese to know what they would say. I could try French. “Oh OUI MONSIEUR. TRÈS BIEN.” Huh, you responded well to that. It’s because French is the language of loooove isn’t it? What else do I know in French? “OUI, OUI. CROQUE MONSIEUR. J’AI PRENDRE UN CAFÉ.” Hah, first-year French class totally paid off. He thinks I am a French goddess now too.
Phase 5: Are you kidding me…
Wait. Hold on. Hold the fucking phone. Did you just? Did you just finish? Are you serious? We’ve only been going at this, what, four minutes now? Wow man. Just fucking wow. It was the French, wasn’t it? Just too much sexyness to handle. Well, can’t be blamed I suppose. Now get the fuck off of me and pass me my vibrator. It’s on my bedside table. Yeah that one. At least THIS puppy will last more than five minutes. Honestly.
Gentlemen
By Tim Lazier, Sports editor
Phase 1: #Winning
Hey! Look at this! Way to go little guy, I mean, always above-average guy. You’ve won, this is happening! Nothing can stop me now, this turned into a great day! I can go to sleep with a smile on my face knowing I’ve made mankind proud. Oh, what’s she doing? Okay okay, I see how it is. You want to dance pretty lady? Let’s tango!
Phase 2: I’m the best!
Wow! This is going great; she’s definitely noticing those five crunches I did while she was in the bathroom. It’s all in the prep work. Been absolutely shredding it at the gym lately. Chiseled from marble and placed upon Mount Olympus for all the commoners to worship, that’s me! Ha, I’m so devilish; she is one lucky gal right now. This is no sweat at all, plenty of gas left in the tank!
Phase 3: Oops
… Oh no. Not yet! Keep your shit together King Cobra Maverick Jr. It’s not your time to shine yet. Wait, what!? That’s the time!? No, can’t be. Her clock must be slow, it’s been way longer than that. Okay switch positions that’ll help. Huh, yeah alright back on track… nope, guess not. Okay close your eyes. Ummmm ninth grade algebra, spiders, the ending of Marley & Me. Oh no, Jennifer Aniston was in that! Remember her in Horrible Bosses? No! Stupid brain! Stop that!
Phase 4: She’s done by now, right?
Alright, last mad dash, kid. Hit her with the good stuff and then stick the landing. She’s practically begging me to stop. Well done good sir, another MVP performance.
Phase 5: Finale
Phff, crushed it.
