New study reveals you’ve been doin’ it all wrong
By Anonymous, Life editor and Production manager.
A remarkable study produced by the coitus-maximus undergrads at McGill’s School of Medicine has gained notoriety with its controversial findings. According to the study, which included the observation of 15,000 Montreal undergraduates’ sexual encounters, humans have been going about sex all wrong.
The omnibus study, which includes everything from aphrodisiacs to foreplay, cunnilingus to cuddling, has revealed that almost all commonly-held knowledge about sex actually leads to less sexual stimulation, less sexual prowess, and overall weaker orgasms.
“It was really surprising when the data first started coming in and we realized that we’ve been doing it wrong all along,” says Richard Cochrane, head researcher of the study. “We were like, ‘this can’t be right.’ And then we tried some of our new findings, and wow did it ever work. Like, wow.”
Cochrane adjusts his crooked glasses as he explains how the team went about compiling the list that, he says, “will change how we, as a species, think about sex.”
“I mean, with the test couples that we released this list to, the results spoke for themselves,” he says. “Or, the noises the couples made spoke for themselves. For several hours. Actually, three research groups were taken to the hospital to be treated for exhaustion and dehydration. They just didn’t want to stop having sex or take a break in between. So we now have to release the list in little parts, so that it is safer for our research groups.”
The study, Cochrane says, will be released in its entirety in April 2016. Until then, before proper safety precautions can be implemented, the list will remain in the hands of science. Fortunately, The Concordian has obtained a sampling of the list, of which Cochrane has approved the release.
“Couples need to remember the importance of hydration and breaks,” urges Cochrane. “Set a timer for every hour. When that timer goes off, take a 15-minute breather where both partners hydrate, stretch, and have a small protein-filled snack. Only once both partners are re-hydrated and revitalized should they get back to it.”
The avocado mask – full body immersion
To stimulate your partner with a full-body tingling and titillating feeling, you’ll need eight ripe avocadoes. Mash these in a large bowl and add a spritz of lime to taste. Then smear this all over your partner’s naked body. Ideally, cover them in about a centimetre-thick layer of avocado. Then, once your partner is entirely covered in avocado, lick it off.
Oysters – not just for eating
Oysters have long been known for their stimulating effects, but have been consumed all wrong. Next time you have a platter of fresh oysters in front of you don’t slurp them back. Instead, rub them all over your genitals. Use slow, clockwise circles to ensure even coverage. Every two minutes, switch to a fresh oyster for maximum results.
Break the norm of easy-does-it and just leap right in. Preferably refrain from any forewarning and surprise her by flinging yourself at her crotch. The rougher the better, as it gets women to move from zero to 100 km/h in 60 seconds flat. The tongue should be used as a miniature penis and inserted into the vagina itself, while moving in and out to simulate penetrative sex. The clitoris should be largely left alone to build sexual tension and nibbling on the labia is highly encouraged.
Imagine the penis as a gear shift. Take just the tip of the penis in your mouth and move it as if switching to first gear while keeping just the tip in your mouth. Breathe heavily on the penis without actually touching it before taking the tip back in your mouth and switching to the next gear. Repeat this move several times while shifting through all the gears. At sixth gear, take the balls in your mouth and hum while keeping the rest of you very still. Humming the man’s favourite song is highly encouraged.
The main event
When it comes time to get it in, our research has found that contrary to popular belief, it is best done dry—as dry as possible. Use of lubricants and traditional foreplay to “warm up” before attempting penetration has in fact been found to hinder the process significantly. Do not take it slow—thrust in hard and, if you feel resistance, thrust harder. The sandpapery sensation of rubbing inside a dry orifice is sure to bring both partners to ecstasy—feel the burn! If, during penetration, the vagina starts to self-lubricate, take a pause and wipe the vaginal walls down with a hand towel to ensure maximum dryness. This technique is especially effective when entering through the backdoor, and you won’t have to worry about that pesky self-lubrication—you’ll stay dry as the desert, and your sex will be just as hot.
Instead of thrusting in and out, try rotating your pelvis in a corkscrew-like movement, pushing the head of your penis towards her cervix. The concentric circles against her cervix will surely be reminiscent of her most recent pap smear, and are sure to drive her wild! Once she is about to achieve orgasm, retract your penis entirely and leave her alone, or else tickle her labia with just the tip until you both reach your climax.
In woman on top position, instead of assuming the cowgirl or reverse cowgirl pose, why not spice things up by facing out sideways, towards the wall. When your man is lying flat on his back, balance yourself on his rock-hard abs and even harder member, with both legs slung over the side of the bed, sitting in an upright position. Do not attempt to thrust, as you will surely poke yourself in the ovary with his penis if you do. Instead, revel in the closeness of using his body as a chair while also balancing a computer on your lap to get that report finished. Multitasking is the hallmark of the modern woman. By just sitting there and not moving, intercourse is sure to last a long while, building to an eventual, mind-blowing orgasm.
Once you have finished, do not have him pull out. Instead, swivel around with his penis slowly growing flaccid inside of you, so that you are lying head-to-feet, legs interlocked in a scissoring position. Do not get up to go to the bathroom, throw away the condom, or clean up—keeping your junk interlocked throughout the night to marinate in your own juices will bring you closer than ever! Plus, facing in opposite directions allows you to feel intimately connected while affording both partners the liberty of checking their phones away from the other’s prying gaze, or falling asleep while watching their own favourite Netflix shows, without having to compromise.