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Concordia to introduce sportsball team next year

by Alexander Cole April 1, 2017
Concordia to introduce sportsball team next year

The move comes after one of the most successful years in Stingers sports history

The Concordia Stingers announced April. 1, that they are adding sportsball to their varsity sports roster next fall, a move that has taken the incredibly large and fan-driven world of Canadian university sports by storm.

“We just knew it was the right thing to do,” sportsball coach Jim Conway said. “The students have been begging for the school to create a sportsball team, and we figured we’d do it. We can’t let the fans down.”

Conway, who has coached youth football for three seasons now, is leaving the sport to fill the new post of sportsball coach. While Conway has no idea what sportsball even is, it hasn’t stopped him from wanting to pursue a new career.

“This opportunity was just too good to pass up. Besides, I’m a quick learner,” he said.

Sportsball is quite simple. It’s played on a baseball diamond, but there is no outfield. The person on the pitcher’s mound wears hockey goalie gear and has to throw a football to home plate. Then the person at home plate must take the ball and run towards each base, where a basketball net is guarded by a player in football gear. If the player with the football is tackled, they are out—if they make the basket, they go to the next base.

If you make all your baskets and get to home plate, you get a touchdown. If the game goes into overtime, you have to find the nearest soccer field and have a shootout.

The Stingers have already announced their first recruit. The player is none other than Antoine Marchand, a former goalie for the Stingers men’s hockey team. Marchie, as the kids like to call him, will be the team’s captain. As anybody who knows Marchand will attest, he’s a character guy who will do anything for his teammates.

“I’m glad I’m getting a chance to play here and help the Stingers out,” Marchand said. “I have no clue how to play sportsball, but hey, at least I’m not a back-up again.”

As of right now, the Stingers are the only sportsball team in the nation. U SPORTS said they have plans to get more schools on board, and praised the Stingers for their efforts.

“This is exactly why we rebranded,” said U SPORTS representative Larry Joseph. “The Stingers are on the cutting edge of sports culture. This move is what is finally going to propel us to nationwide acclaim.”

In the meantime, Conway said he is still trying to find new recruits for the team, and is thinking of looking to his former team for players.

“I mean, let’s be real here, those guys need me as their coach. Without me, they aren’t really that good,” Conway said. “They’d be idiots not to switch to sportsball.”

Sports editors across the country are rejoicing today as well, as they can now use a whole new set of sports terminology.

However, the new lingo doesn’t bode well for copy editors who are sick and tired of looking up articles on TSN to see if what’s being written is incorrect or just a sports term.

“It’s bad enough I have to look up what a hat trick is. How am I supposed to learn a whole new sport?” said The Concordian’s head copy editor, Katya Teague. “I can’t wait to graduate and leave this mess of a section behind.”
While the team hasn’t played a single game yet, one thing is for sure: this article was one big waste of time.

April Fools everyone.

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Fred Eric April 6, 2017 - 08:46

I danced the whole hour. The last song was properly named “Café Sarajevo” and I swear, I was thinking of that place during all the previous songs! Fabulous musicians, very powerful guests and a signer-leader who rides her violon like a wild horse. Crazy!


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