Omicron FOMO sweeps the nation

Why are healthy Concordians embarrassed?

At the beginning of the pandemic, whispers about who had COVID were shrouded in a cloud of shame. Those who contracted the virus were blamed for not following the precautions properly and not behaving the way an upstanding citizen should.

Now two years later, with the emergence of the highly contagious Omicron variant, the cloud of shame seems to rain on those who have a sickness that’s even worse — Omicron FOMO (fear of missing out).

“In March 2020, it was only the reckless, cool kids getting it,” said a COVID-less Concordia student who wished to stay anonymous out of embarrassment. “But now, it’s everyone. Even my dentist has had it. At this point, my mom is seriously worried about my social life.”

The student explained that her mother has had all three variants, all secured from three separate trips to Florida, and is pushing her offspring to run rampant and maskless through the swamplands to finally catch the damn virus. The student is considering this option, but has also heard that licking every metro pole on the Green Line proves more cost-effective on a student budget.

This is not a single-case phenomenon; another Concordian, who also requested anonymity — citing fear of not seeming cool enough to get a job in accounting — noted that they feel like they’re missing a part of history by still not having caught COVID.

“Honestly, what I think about is what I’m going to tell my hypothetical kids,” he said, sniffling (with concern, not COVID). “When they ask me what it was like to have the virus, I’ll be the lame dad who won’t be able to tell them. They’ll probably put themselves up for adoption.”

He was also concerned about not knowing how to converse with peers. “All everyone talks about these days is COVID. How can I relate to everyone if I haven’t had it?”

He explained that he’s tried everything to catch the virus, including living in his COVID-positive friend’s closet during her isolation period. Alas, his PCRs have all come up negative. “It feels like I’m a hopeful mother waiting for a positive pregnancy test.”

Quarantina Jab, a Concordian who explicitly demanded to be named, is part of the minority who is still avoiding Omicron. Jab said that she does not want to get sick for the sole reason of fulfilling her dream of holding the world record for not getting COVID for the longest amount of time. “I’ve actually been living in isolation since I was born. I hopped out of the womb and got my own apartment, where I’ve been living ever since,” she said.

Jab seems to be the only person who shares this sentiment according to a survey conducted on the now-obsolete MyConcordia portal.

Still, those who have yet to catch Omicron need not fear. With humanity’s luck, there will be another, even more contagious variant in approximately three months to sweep you off your feet and cure your FOMO.

 

Graphics by James Fay

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