Author: Carl Bindman

Looking into Jewish understandings of love and relationships, one Rabbi at a time

I have a confession to make: I’m not a very good Jew. I’m barely informed about my own culture, and I’m not okay with that. So, I figured I’d take this outlet and explore my heritage using a language I know: love.

Since I’m Jewish in the loosest sense, I figured I should find people who are in the know. Rabbi Lisa Grushcow of Reform synagogue Temple Beth-Emanu-El-Sholom knows what’s up. “If you have a question, find someone Jewish and ask,” she said. “And then don’t assume that their answer is true for every Jew!”

Rabbi Grushcow is a Reform rabbi, and she sees a lot of romance in scripture. Her approach to the Torah can best be summed up by her progressive understanding of even the most “infamous” verses. She points to Leviticus, which states that a man shouldn’t lie with a man as a woman. “The best take I’ve ever heard on that verse is that if you’re a man sleeping with a man, you shouldn’t pretend you’re sleeping with a woman—own your desires, and be at home with your partner and in your own skin,” she said.

The Rabbi also said Judaism espouses qualities that make for good relationships. “Since ancient times, Judaism has emphasized the importance of sexual pleasure, consent, and respect,” she said.

To her, sexuality and spirituality aren’t disparate for Jews—or for anybody. By remembering their origins in the Torah—as people made in the image of God—Jews can see that sexuality has a spark of the divine. After all, sexuality is intrinsic to identity, she said.

Dr. Norma Joseph, associate director of Concordia’s Azrieli Institute of Israel Studies, also thinks about sexuality as a facet of identity—among many other things. She said younger Jews tend not to think about it quite as much, though.

Many people, Joseph said, are looking for other people that they’ll be comfortable with. “But they haven’t ever deconstructed what that means, being comfortable,” she said. Sharing a religion or religious traditions are, in her thinking, a way of looking further than initial sexual attraction or liking the same movies.

“For an Ashkenazi, is it someone I can eat gefilte fish with? Is there something that will make them amenable to understanding my background? It becomes a fascinating world to try and figure out what are the bases for your choices,” she said.

Naturally, religion and tradition help inform those choices. She said a lot of younger Jews don’t consciously think about what that means—of how their identities play into who they date.

Younger people might say, in her words: “I’m a Jew, sure, but I’m going out for beer tonight so what does it matter?”

An example of what an actual young person might say: “My faith hasn’t really had an impact on my romantic relationships.”

That’s what Daniel Smilovitch, a Concordia student, said. He said by going to Jewish elementary and high schools, his environment ended up influencing his relationships, but not what he looks for in a partner today. The traditions his family holds can make a difference anyway, like Friday night dinners where his partners can meet his family and get to know what his whole deal is.

Elisabeth Nyveen, also a Concordia student, sees it a little differently. “I honestly can’t imagine myself not being Jewish,” she said. “It’s such a huge part of my upbringing and how I see the world.” She said she feels love is an important building block in religion, but not the romantic kind—it’s the community. The biggest thing she takes into romantic relationships from her religion, she jokes, “is that my faith prevents me from finding happiness with anti-Semites.”

Julia Maman, a Concordia student and board member of Hillel, a Jewish association at Concordia, does think the spiritual connection is important in romance.

“It’s the feeling I get when I talk to someone who has the same spiritual balance that I do,” she said. “It’s just something more special that you share with another person.” But, in her life, community and tradition are huge factors too. “Judaism is different for every single Jew,” she said.

Joseph said that the ideal of the religion is a person who cares, yes about their family, but also about their community and the world in general—and who works towards those ends.

Grushcow sees it similarly. “I think that religion, tradition, spirituality—choose the word you like best—is meant to help us become our best selves, on our own and with each other. I happen to think that’s hot.”

Fight the misogynistic monopoly, vote with your views by watching more ethical pornography

If you watch porn, you probably watch it on PornHub, YouPorn, or RedTube. You probably watch it for free.

Those three sites are among the top 10 most visited, globally, for porn, according to an article from Slate. They—along with five of the other 10 most visited porn sites—are owned by MindGeek, a Canadian company who states on their website that they have over 100 million visitors every day.

So what’s popular on some of MindGeek’s mainstream, monopolized porn sites? One common example is Backroom Casting Couch, or BrCC. It’s a series where a man with an STI poses as a casting agent to coerce women who need money into sex, according to an article from the Phoenix New Times. These women aren’t actors. They are paid, and they sign a release, but these women don’t get revenue from views of their “casting” tape. These videos are often tagged with “painal” and “ambush creampie.” These videos are sex abuse, and they’re wildly popular, as on various porn sites, they have hundreds of millions of views recorded.

BrCC is mainstream porn in a nutshell, because mainstream porn is MindGeek and MindGeek is abusive and awful and toxic. They have saturated the market with extreme content, normalizing it, forcing performers of both genders to do more dangerous sexual acts, more often, for less money, according to interviews with performers by GQ last month. Plus, mainstream porn caters to a very narrow demographic: young heterosexual men. The supermajority of porn is not made with other than young hetero males in mind, and mainstream viewership reflects that.

You don’t have to watch that porn if you don’t identify with it, if you don’t like it or if you find it troubling. But you don’t have to not watch porn, either. There are options outside of mainstream pornography that aren’t shit. There are people who want you to watch them.

Luisa Ramírez Lartigue is a sexuality educator who works with Head in Hands and Concordia’s Centre for Gender Advocacy, and she ascribes the ubiquity of unethical porn to a few things.

“When most of us go looking for porn, we tend to not look further than what’s available,” she said. And because of MindGeek’s monopoly, it’s often what’s available. “We don’t talk about our porn consumption the way we talk about our coffee consumption,” she added, so it’s hard to know what’s good.

“There’s no Yelp! for porn, but maybe there should be,” said Lartigue.

Until there is, she suggests thinking about what you consume, and why you consume it. Is it because it’s what you want, or is it because it’s there? She also suggests researching the porn you consume—the performers, the directors, the distributors. Google is your friend. So is social media, she said, where you can learn a bit about who the makers of porn are—as people. Pay for your porn, she said.

She said it’s crucial to talk with your money. Money lets actors get paid well, and keeps working conditions safe. Shelling out for ethics shows huge companies like MindGeek what matters. Plus, she said, paid porn is usually much higher-quality. So if you really care about your porn, you get to consume better stuff at the same time as being a better person.

There are always alternatives, Lartigue said, both in content and in medium. Here are some that she recommends: there’s Crashpad Series for trans* (and also cis) intersectional, fun, ethical video pornography. Make Love Not Porn, a Canadian thing! Adult-fanfiction.org, for, uh, adult fanfiction. Also, kink.com is independent and features extensive pre-act interviews about consent and safety, for all the BDSM fans out there.

But if you’re going to look at mainstream porn, she suggests adding “feminist” or “for women” to your search. In the marketing language of pornography, this means it won’t be hyper-masculine, abusive, and misogynistic.

The most important thing to remember, Lartigue said, is Rule 34. “If it exists, there’s porn of it. But there’s probably also ethical porn of it.”

*A previous version of this article stated that the women appearing in MindGeek’s Backroom Casting Couch did not get paid, however, they are paid as this version of the article now states. We regret the mistake.

From butt plugs to dildos, using toys can amplify and improve your sex life

“Feel it,” she said, taking it out of the packaging. “Isn’t it so lifelike?”

I felt it.

“Feels like a penis,” I said.

It wasn’t a penis, though. It was a dildo, handed to me by Karine Beaumont, an employee at Boutique Érotique Romance.

One of several in Montreal, the store sells everything from costumes to lubricants, fetish gear, porn, books, ropes, condoms, chocolates, games and, yes—a panoply of toys. Lifelike penises. Not-at-all-lifelike penises. Vibrating cock rings. Vibrating vibrators. Strap-on harnesses. Kegel-exercise balls. Anal beads. Anal plugs. Everything.

“We do good business,” said Eliane Fraser, another employee at Boutique Érotique. “We sell a lot.”

Why? Is nobody satisfied by their partner? Is everybody doing sex wrong? Is everybody masturbating wrong? That can’t be right.

“It’s something different,” said Dr. Laurie Betito, psychologist and sex therapist. “It gives a bit of a leg up, if you will.” Betito has been hosting CJAD’s sex-and-relationships show, Passion, since 1999. “It’s used to enhance sexuality.”

The variety of toys provides a variety of enhancements. For couples, Fraser and Beaumont pointed out the popularity of vibrating cock rings—for mutual pleasure, they said. Most solo toys can be used by couples too—they said the very lifelike penis was often used with strap-ons.

“But don’t just show up with 10-inch dildo and say ‘hey, let’s do this,’” Betito said. “As an enhancer it’s great, but first you have to talk about it.”

Talking is hard sometimes. Not just because it might be awkward to ask for a little something extra—but if sex is bad, nobody wants to insult their partner. And if sex is good but you want it to be great, your partner might think you feel the sex is bad but that you just like using euphemisms.

Beaumont said that when people are too shy to criticize, “they’ll just turn to sex toys because they know how to please themselves.”

What if someone doesn’t know how? “You have to learn about yourself before going with a partner,” Fraser said. “We can show you so many things that will help you discover [yourself].”

Fraser and Beaumont say most people are poorly educated about toys—some women come in asking for speculums because 50 Shades of Grey featured one as a toy. Beaumont talked about their client who was wheelchair-bound, had never had a sexual partner, and couldn’t masturbate. Their manager helped him find a toy that simulated masturbation, giving him a release he would never otherwise have.

That being said, amazing self-pleasure is a double-sided dildo. Err, double-edged sword. “When you get very [accustomed] to one certain way of having an orgasm and then you can’t get that same sensation with a partner … you have to practice other ways to get your body accustomed,” said Betito.

There are other potential drawbacks too, according to Betito. “I always say start off small, with a small vibrator, a clitoral stimulator and work your way up. It’s the same for butt plugs, anal toys. Explore slowly.”

That’s where sex shops come in handy. Beaumont and Fraser don’t call themselves salespeople for a reason. “We’re like counselors,” they said. Online stores won’t tell you to use toys with flared bases for anal play. Online stores won’t tell you silicone-based lubricant will ruin your new $80 vibrator.

“Plus, it’s a great way to explore your own body and what it can do for you,” said Betito. “It’s always a good thing when you know your body.”

So, ask. In the end, Beaumont said it best: “It’s better to be a little uncomfortable at the cash than to go the hospital with something stuck in your bum.”

On “Processing” and being in a non-monogamous relationship

Have you ever heard of “Processing”? Not like a food processor. Just the word with a capital “p.”

Odile Dion, a Concordia student and graphic artist, thinks you have—under a different name. It’s romantic communication and discussion, involving more than two people. It was coined by her community, the polyamorous community. In this community, relationships are between multiple individuals, with no restrictions. There is no central relationship—all parties involved are treated as equals.

“You have to talk with your partners about everything,” she said. “You have to be upfront with them, with your feelings, with your fears. It’s hard.” She talks about the dates she goes on, how on the first date she’ll say “hey, I’m not monogamous,” and how the men won’t call her back.

“We tell little girls, ‘you’ll find the one,’” Dion said. “You’ll meet your prince and he’ll take you on his white horse and you’ll go into the sunset together and end your life in a bungalow with a dog and kids.” This isn’t the reality for Dion.

Pauline*, a McGill student who is polyamorous, said that when she tells people that she is open to more than one relationship at the same time, there’s misunderstanding.

“There’s this perception that all poly people are cheaters,” Pauline said. “The whole point is that we’re not.” It’s about consent, she said, and communication. It’s about the acceptance of everyone involved. “Non-consensual non-monogamy is pretty much the definition of cheating,” she said.

She said fidelity is still vital in polyamory, it just means something else. “It doesn’t mean only have sex with me. It means be honest with me. Respect this bond that we have. It’s not just the classic concept of an open relationship,” said Pauline.

Someone can be in a three-way relationship with each partner loving the other equally. People can be married with a partner on the side without changing how they feel about their married partner. Two different people can be in love and in a relationship with the same person. As long as it’s consensual, it’s fine, said Pauline.

“There’s a problem, though,” Dion said. She said that there is this confusion where other people think that if you’re interested in someone who isn’t your partner, it implies you don’t love your partner. Dion believes  the confusion is a byproduct of monogamy being considered the only model for relationships. “They’re different models among many other models.”

Pauline sees comparisons in friendship and romance. “Some people love having a best friend, and other people love having tons of friends. The more love you have the more love you have to give, and I always wondered why that doesn’t apply to romantic love,” she said.

Friendship, communication and respect are all seen as hallmarks of monogamous relationships, as explained by YouTube sex educator Laci Green at a talk at Concordia last week. So if polyamorous relationships are built on the same ingredients, and make people happy, why do Pauline and Dion feel like their lives aren’t acceptable to society at large?

Dion said it’s because people don’t talk about it. Pauline said it’s because people don’t talk about it. So let’s talk about it. With enough communication—or should I say, Processing—we’ll get there.

*Pauline’s last name has been withheld.

A series of talks, activities and workshops took place during ASFA’s Rad SexEd Week!

Last week, Concordia got lucky. From Loyola to SGW to Grey Nun’s, sexiness was vibrating. Why? Concordia’s SexEd Week. The message? Nothing is sexier than communication.

Organized by the Arts and Science Federation of Associations (ASFA), ASFA’s Rad SexEd Week! (with Laci Green) drove that message home with a series of workshops, panels and activities between Oct. 5 and 8.

The events varied in style, but not in purpose. Some were intimate discussions facilitated by experienced sexual educators, like Monday’s Solo Sex workshop with Melissa Fuller. Some were panels, like the Women’s Representation in the Media panel which took place on Tuesday. Some were sex toy fairs. Each event promoted awareness, communication and respect—of gender, sexuality, experience and boundaries.

One of the week’s organizers, ASFA advocacy committee member Lana Elinor Galbraith, said, “we want to make sure the events provide a positive and safe space for everyone.” Perfect for the theme—and for the main guest.

Laci Green, YouTube vlogger and sex educator, brought her Best Sex Ever! talk to Concordia as the week’s lynchpin. Green’s recipe for the “best sex ever” is a combination of knowledge, self-love, consent and safety. A lot of what she said would be familiar to anyone who has seen her Youtube show (118,015,248 views and counting), but the talk was augmented by the photos, descriptions and interactivity that YouTube prohibits. Over 230 people were packed into E-104 in the Grey Nun’s building to interact—before, during and after her presentation.

With this talk being just one stop on a speaking tour where Green repeats the same topics from past videos, she must get bored or at least frustrated by the repetition.

“No, I don’t!” she said during an interview in the ASFA office before her big talk. “The ‘ah-ha’ moments … where people are joining the conversation, I’m all about it. I’m very happy being the first sort of, ‘welcome in this door.’”

She views simplicity as a good thing, as long as it’s accurate and entertaining. “I feel obligated to make sure it’s understandable to anyone at any level of education,” she said, lamenting how often you need an academic language to participate in the conversation—or to feel like you’re participating.

Her personality shone during the presentation. Talking about anal sex, she asked everyone in the room to clench their butts. “We’re probably the biggest group of people clenching their butts in Montreal right now,” she said. Everyone laughed, still clenched. Everyone was included. Everyone was learning.

And that’s the point, according to Green. As long as the conversation is ongoing, as long as people are joining and having their voices heard, as long as we keep trying, we’re succeeding.

“We’re getting to a better place, very slowly, but surely,” she said. To get there faster, we should follow her hard-won advice: “use more lube.”

The empire’s sexual culture was more petrifying than one could ever imagine

Quick, imagine ancient Romans having sex. Do you see orgies, tanned women and men frolicking, free of judgement, full of lust, revelling in sexual freedom? Do you wish you were there?

I hope not. Roman sexual culture was more terrifying than terrific. It’s easy to get it wrong, given the inequity of voices that remain from back then. Two thousand years of male historians rehashing what male Romans wrote about male sexuality has perpetuated a rosy picture of what went down. That’s because if you were a privileged man—which was every Roman historian (google “female Roman historians” and see what happens)—Rome was very permissive. If not? You were fucked.

See, Roman men weren’t bound by sexuality. According to historian Craig Williams, author of the ironically titled Roman Homosexuality, “homosexuality” and “heterosexuality” didn’t apply to what these men did at all. Not to say that their sex wasn’t scrutinized. “A man is only a man if he is gloriously active,” Williams quotes from Juvenal, a Roman writer. Those men were pretty free to be active with whoever they wanted, without judgement.

Theirs was an environment where they could have sex with anyone so long as they were seen to be dominating a lesser. Rome had patriarchal system called paterfamilias, in which A Casebook on Roman Family Law by Bruce W. Friar, outlines the oldest man in the family as being more or less infallible. Paterfamilias extended into broader Roman life, though, so a “lesser” could be an unmarried woman, a man of lower status, a girl, a boy, a prostitute of either gender, a slave of either gender, etc. And as long as the man was penetrating his partner in sex, he was showing his masculinity and enforcing the patriarchy, a win-win for him. A lose-lose for everyone else.

Just look at how feminist classicist Amy Richlin describes the female sexual experience in Rome. In her book The Garden of Priapus, she shows scores of Roman poets warning women away from erotic poems because Roman women shouldn’t express their sexuality even by reading about sex—only by getting fucked by their husbands. That is, when the poems aren’t slut-shaming the very women they’re already prude-shaming. It’s messed up, and very indicative, that some of the clearest descriptions of a Roman woman’s place came from men being dismissive and offensive.

Historian Kyle Harper’s book From Shame to Sin goes on to say that in Rome, if female sexuality was based on modesty, then male sexuality was based on dominance. That double-standard relied on complex terms that are hard to translate from Latin. But what it was, really, was rape culture. On steroids. And we’ve romanticized it in The Gladiator and Spartacus and Insert Roman Period Film. Homosexuality as an exclusive male privilege in a regressive patriarchy has been misconstrued as liberal, and that’s bad. We can look into history for good models, but Rome ain’t one.

I know this is supposed to be a sex column. But I can’t talk about sex (baby) without contextualizing it. It’s important to me. It’s how I learn. The Priapus that Amy Richlin mentions, the god with the enormous and permanent erection, the ultimate fuckboy, the rape culture mascot, he’s helping me learn. We’re still grappling with his shadow on college campuses, board rooms, and bedrooms, two thousand years later. Aren’t there enough entitled dicks in this world without adding all of history’s?