Nathan Leblanc – The Concordian

Concordia student examines the inner turmoil of coming to terms with oneself

Is it okay to be gay? I can no longer contain what I like deep inside; living day to day like it is one big lie. I’m engaged in a major battle; having to choose between watching men or women is the ultimate struggle. I know which one I prefer, but will anyone understand me? I have nothing against women, don’t get me wrong, but I feel lost and out of sync with them and I know deep down that men are my true compass. The media is harsh to people like me, which in turn creates anxiety and criticism in every place that I’ll be. How will all my loved ones react when they find out the one thing on my mind is men, men, men. I pray to God every night for the answer to the question I’ve been trying to find: is it alright to be gay? And if it is, why must I play this daily charade? Everyone—man or woman—should decide how to be, without having to face the constant, overwhelming scrutiny. I love fashion, I love my chinos, I love my beanie, and, in fact, I also love my feminine glasses. I can’t change what I love, as it is a big part of me and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t love a cute boy in tight jeans? I have come to the realization that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, because I will marry a man and live happily. Whether it is in this country or halfway around the world where the wedding might take place, I will always know that my life will be complete, as I’m standing beside the human being whom I am no longer afraid to appreciate. The truth is gender issues are no joke. They hurt, they intimidate and you lose all hope. However, today is the day that I make a stand, to be true to myself and say who I am. Gender issues can’t take my identity, as I’m still a human being and I deserve to be free. I’m walking out of the closet and into the light to live how I want—with a man by my side.

Concordia student explores the notion of loving and losing in this creative piece

Why are we only given one life to live; only one chance to do something big, to leave a mark on all of humanity? The thought that one slight mistake or accident could end it all haunts us, and for some, it even consumes their lives with fear. My love was not scared of death, but she was afraid of not leaving her mark on the world. She was one of those people.

She once told me that her goal in life was to sail around the world and live at sea until the day she died. She believed that was how she would be remembered. I knew sailing was a hobby that we shared, but I never truly realized how much it had meant to her. I loved sailing, because I had loved her. Everything I did, from waking up at 6 a.m. on the weekends to get an early start on the boat to reading those sailing books she would loan to me was all for her, not for me.

Whenever I gaze upon the sea, I do not think about the competitions that I won, nor the maneuvers that I mastered, but instead I think of the reflection of her smiling face as she partook in her one true love. When I look back at our relationship, I realize that although it was rather one-sided, I was proud that she was happy and that I got to share the beauty of life with her.

When she died that fateful day, my heart sank. She died in the place she felt the most safe: the sea. I try to understand to this day how something so pure like water could take so many people away. A slight accident was all that was needed to take her away from me, but I knew deep down that it was the only way she would accept death. My love didn’t have to be scared or worried anymore, she was already gone. It was now I who was given this punishment. I was scared, scared of being alone. Scared of letting her go and scared of death. She was free from the pain and the suffering and her fear of not making a mark on the world proved to be meaningless, as she made the biggest mark of all. Although she wasn’t known as the girl who sailed around the world and lived at sea, she made her mark on my heart. It’s a permanent scar that will stay with me forever and remind me every day that the time we had together in this lifetime, although short, had meaning. Her memory will pass through me, through my children, through my grandchildren. Never will her memory fade, just as the scar on my heart will never go away. Her memory will continue to flow just as the waves of the sea have and always will.

As I look upon the sea now, I see her face in the distance and I immediately feel like I’m not alone and that even one true love can be significant in life.

Why are we given one life to live? The answer is clear now. We live to love and we love to live. They go hand in hand and complement each other through the good and the bad. Life is short, but love lasts forever and that is why we exist: to experience the passion that we all desire.