Varda Nisar – The Concordian

Scenario: Meredith Grey is on the streets picking up trash as part of her social work. A “PTA mom” AKA “super mom” passes by, but not without commenting on how happy it makes her feel to see Meredith – a working mom with three kids (or so I have been told. I stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy after five seasons) – volunteering for something. To this our protagonist replies, “You know, Suzie, when working moms don’t volunteer at school, it’s usually because we’re working in the daytime and parenting at night, so we generally don’t have time to participate.”

Let’s just unpack that a little, shall we? Firstly, I’m sorry I didn’t get the memo, but since when did it become the job description of anyone to make anyone else feel happy?

Secondly, oblige me, if you may, by imagining a spectrum. On the one end, let’s place these super PTA moms. On the other, those super successful career women, who are breaking the glass ceiling every day, as they make great strides on every level professionally. Somewhere in the middle, let’s put all the Merediths of the world, attracting the judgmental wrath of both these extremes.

These women are never considered good enough mothers for choosing to have a career and dreams. They are never considered professional enough, for how can they be if they have to leave at 5:30 p.m. to pick up their child? This doesn’t mean they are not fulfilling their responsibilities equally well in both these spheres. These women are doing the best they can, day in and day out, running from their meeting, to the school bus, to getting groceries and starting dinner, to getting their kid in bed on time, only so that they can do the dishes. They have careers, kids, family and social responsibilities. But here is the thing: how is their position any different from the “working fathers” out there? A terminology that ought to be brought into currency!

Men have careers, kids who presumably have bedtimes, and responsibilities, and yet they never have to hear statements like, “You never volunteer at school,” “It must be time to pick the baby,” “It must be hard for you to work more hours because you have kids,” or “I could never imagine leaving my kids to go back to work.”

It almost appears as though once you have kids, your identity is to mould itself around the institution of motherhood, and this should be enough. A good mother stays at home with kids; a bad mother tries to pursue her own goals. And God forbid, if you actually derive contentment from your work – that will be the cardinal sin!

My partner has never been told how brave he is, to have packed up his life and moved to a new country with a five month old baby in tow to pursue his dreams. Those comments have been given especially to me by other working women, as a sign of encouragement and support. However, within these statements too lies the underlying theme of such acts being extraordinary feats for a woman. They have not been normalized as a concept, despite the fact that I personally know many women who have chosen a similar path.

Not for one moment does this mean that I think that women who make up the ends of this spectrum are not judged. Working women are judged by men with half their qualifications; the PTA moms by other mothers who think they are simply better. By the virtue of this conclusion, one can argue that if everyone is being judged, why am I making a big deal about working mothers?

The deal is that such judgments are directly linked to the stereotypes that exist around motherhood and working mothers. It perpetuates this image of women finding unbound happiness within the confines of their home, and their offspring. That looking for anything beyond this is selfish. This perception is then disseminated by both working women and PTA mothers, leaving the working mothers forever standing on shaky grounds. This simply needs to change.

Graphic by @sundaeghost

It is almost starting to feel that in the #MeToo era, you can’t react quickly enough to any story linked to sexism, harassment, racism, etc – and that’s a good thing. It’s high time that survivors and victims of sexual assault have this safe space where they instantly have trust and public opinion on their side. Even if, in reality, getting an actual recourse of actions against the perpetrators is a little too much to ask. Remember Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey-Ford?

But what has been lost in this knee-jerk reaction, is the time to reflect – before, during, after. It’s like once the public condemnation has come down, there is little room for anything else. And this is where it becomes dangerous.

The latest, of course, has been the Justin Trudeau brownface debacle. And following the trend that has been set forth, let me firstly make an exaggerated, arm waving, red faced denunciation of his actions. We are talking about the year 2001 here, Mr. Prime Minister – I know it wasn’t the age of woke but it wasn’t even the age of utter disconnect with global discourses. Coming from a political background, one would assume (though why should we?) that you would have been more sensitized to the issues of race, stereotyping and the deep emotions of hurt and abuse that are associated with these actions.

The any-other-colour-except-your-own face has a terrible history. It has been implicit in creating ridicule simply for the sake of laughter and amusement. It is demeaning to those of us whose identities are reduced to our colour only. The revelation of these images has given rise to a great debate about who Trudeau really is. There are accusations of racism, and of course statements of how unfit he is to be the leader of this country. And all of this is justified. We need to be held accountable for our actions.

But here, I want to move beyond Trudeau and this specific incident. I want to take a moment to remember that we are the sum-total of our actions and thoughts. Not one action. Not one thought. The sum-total of all our actions, since the time we are mature enough to make our own decisions to the day we die.

I realize that in such a reactionary world this has become an unpopular opinion, but it is precisely why we need to pay attention to this. One action doesn’t define us, because if that was the case, then I am quite certain that none of us would be free of charge. What’s more, what constitutes right from wrong, socially acceptable behavior, attitude and norms are constantly evolving, as we become more aware of the diversity of identities that exists around us.

We also need to consider at this point whether one action from the past is all it takes to discount the evolution that we might have made as a person since then. Is there no room to recognize that people grow and learn from their mistakes?

Again, I feel I must emphasize here that this doesn’t discount Trudeau whose privileges should have made him more aware of various social considerations.

Moreover, with a highly-charged political environment, these stories have the effect of distracting one from the more serious question. Was brownface stupid? Yes, a hundred times yes. But, is it as worth our attention as much as immigration policy, climate change, the refugee crisis? No. A thousand times no.

Am I positioning one issue above others? No! What I am simply saying is that the tendency of getting swept away in the social media world is far too great, while the current political situation demands that we do just the opposite – that we stay anchored and vigilant. That one individual’s stupidity and lack of sensitization to other people’s identity doesn’t let us become insensitive in return to the impact our lack of attention can have on millions of others.

As a brown person, who because of her student status has no voice in the outcome of the Canadian election, I feel it is critical that we maintain focus on the issues that go beyond this. And yes, one can correctly argue that such incidents pile up to bigger crimes of violence against minorities, which is why we need to move forward now and look out for and work against those greater structures of violence.

Graphic by @sundaeghost