pillow talk – The Concordian

Have you ever been the only sober one at a party? It kinda sucks, eh? You have to make sure nothing gets broken—from your bestie’s unnecessarily high heels to her drunken heart.

All of a sudden you’re on clothes, phone and boy patrol, shielding all of your friends from involuntary hook-ups and public humiliation. Let’s face it, you love your friends and you would do anything for those crazy mother truckers, but sometimes situations can get hard to handle. Here is a list of those situations and how you can handle them without losing your cool.

What to do if your friend is:

1) Hooking up with a 4/10

Try to get her attention. This might be hard if she’s playing a hardcore game of tonsil hockey with him, but in that case, just rip her away.

The next part gets a little tricky. Tell her the guy would be better suited for a horribly lit “before” photo than Cosmo’s two-page “Most Eligible Bachelor” spread. Remind her that she can do way better. She might go on the defensive and claim you’re trying to “steal” him, but just repeat yourself and hope that some of it sinks in.

2) Stumbling around like a kitten on roller skates

If she’s wearing heels, get them off her. I know, you’re downtown, it’s dirty, who knows what she could be stepping on?! But as my mother always says, “Better a foot fungus than a broken ankle!” … or something like that. If she’s wearing flats and still can’t walk, time to put her in a cab and get her home. In order to not feel like you’re trying to manoeuvre the Leaning Tower of Pisa down the street and into a car, enlist the help of another friend. Two is better than one.

3) Blabbing like she has stocks in gossip

First, resist the urge to push her down a flight of stairs. For this one, it’s always best to confront her right then and there, and then to bring it up the next day when she is, hopefully, a bit more sober. Also, just a quick reminder ladies, “I was drunk!” isn’t a valid excuse for breaking a friend’s trust and telling all 150 party-goers that she makes music videos with her cats on Saturday nights.

4) Going to be sick

Act quickly and act subtly. If a drunken friend tells you she’s going to be sick, find the closest bathroom or discreet hiding space. Do not announce it to the rest of the party, or even to any of your other friends. Go with her, make sure she doesn’t choke or fall asleep hugging the toilet, and then get her up and cleaned off. It’s not the most glamorous part of your job, but sometimes you just have to suck it up!

There you have it—how to deal with your drunken friends. Now that you (and they) are safely home, have a glass of wine. You deserve it.

I’m sure at some point in every girl’s life there comes a day when she will unknowingly steal a guy from one of her best friends. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to the best of us.

Unless you’re doing it every week, that is just uncalled for. Some of you may be asking, “Is there anything I can do to make it right, Christine? Or will I walk through life alone, with no friends and no relationships?”

Well, you might—I make no promises. But I can tell you how to make the most epic come-back ever: be the greatest wingwoman your scorned friend has ever seen.

Here are the steps you need to follow:

1) If your friend says she is interested in someone, act like he has a flesh-eating disease.

Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, start flirting with him. I feel like I don’t even need to tell you this, but some girls just don’t get it. No matter how cute you think he is, she said it out loud first. This means you have lost your chance at ever marrying this guy.

2) Leave your friend with your girls and go talk to him.

Strike up a casual conversation but squash any ideas he might have about getting into your pants; mention you have a boyfriend, tell him your apartment can hold “about thirty cats,” or say you have to leave at midnight to check on your porcelain doll collection. Make sure to talk up your friend by saying nice things about her (ex. “She has very nice eyelashes,” “Her hair always does that swoopy thing all by itself,”

“She only knows two dance moves, but she can do them both really well,” etc.). Don’t get too friendly with the guy and make it very clear that you are only there for one purpose. This is where the next step comes into play.

3) Casually, VERY CASUALLY, invite him over to your table.

You can do this any way you want, but usually try to hint at the fact that your friend is into him. This is the moment when he will look to- wards your table and hopefully see your bestie laughing at something hilarious and he will realize that she is beautiful and will want to date her. If he decides not to come visit your table, it’s time to move on and move up. Ditch the loser, pick out the hottest guy in the crowd, and get your friend some action. But from personal experience, saying, “See that girl over there? She wants to know what those khakis would look like on her bedroom floor AYOOO!” is not appropriate or successful for any party involved.

4) As soon as they start having their own conversation, leave.

Seriously. Leave.

Follow these four steps and you will be instantly forgiven for being a maneater. Or not. Sometimes people are best left unforgiven.

Graphic by Jennifer Kwan.