Tag: satire

Sink your teeth into this: the shocking first thing taught in dental school

Why do dentists always ask questions when you can’t reply?

“Imin marobolog ah cahncourah” is about as good as it’s going to get when you’re asked a question from your dentist who’s elbow deep in your mouth.

Being asked a question while you’re unable to respond has likely happened to anyone who’s ever been to the dentist. It’s frustrating. Why would they ask if they know you can’t reply?

I’m sure this is something that keeps you up at night — and that’s why I’ve compiled some reasons for this common and irritating phenomenon.

“We had a whole class on it,” says Dr. Robert Abdulezer, when asked whether this was something he learned in dentistry school.

In fact, some very reliable sources have mentioned that this is one of the first things future dentists learn. But why?

“It’s more fun for us to ask questions and feel like we’re talk show hosts,” says Dr. Morrie Levy. Though he had dreams of becoming a comedian, dentistry was actually a better option — he gets to talk as much as he wants and his audience can’t leave, let alone boo him off the stage.

As with any profession, it can easily get tedious. Some dentists ask patients questions when they’re working on their mouths to spice up the monotony.

This is a little more far-fetched, but for some dentists, like Dr. Alyce Fischer, asking patients questions that they can’t answer is actually an unintentional reflex. She says that it can be used strategically, “To get their mind off of what is happening, as a distraction,” but that seems too simple to me. It has to be a bit juicier than that.

In fact, I’ve heard that there’s a sponsored points system by the Order of Dentists to reward those with extraordinary abilities to guess what patients are saying. It’s allegedly become a game among them and the assistants. But I can’t reveal more — crimes that involve divulging secret information are punishable by root canals.

“I remember when I was younger it would bother me so much. I was like, ‘Why are you asking me such open ended questions when I just can’t give you the answer?’” admits Dr. Abdulezer. However, upon becoming a dentist, he seems to have forgotten his younger frustration, and says that he partakes in these inefficient inquiries.

Some dentists argue that if patients are really just bothered by this, they should just let their teeth rot. They are not going to change their practices, but patients can change theirs if it really bothers them.

“The smart person would text me the answer and show me it on their phone. That’s big technology,” says Dr. Levy. He laments that teens are always Snapchatting in his chair and would rather them use their phone to solve important issues, like this one.

Only time will tell if this is an effective solution, but I won’t keep you here until your teeth fall out.

Oh, and don’t forget to brush and floss!

 

Feature graphic by Taylor Reddam

Can toilet paper single-handedly fix Montreal roads?

Toilet paper might be the saving grace of Montreal’s terrible roads, but there are other theories about this interesting phenomenon.

Montreal has turned commuting into a religious experience; I’ve never prayed more than for my car to stay intact when going over one of the city’s characteristic potholes. Driving on Montreal roads is an experience perhaps more wild than La Ronde roller coasters, but luckily, a sneaky solution is in the works, and might be saving our dire situation.

The first time I noticed it was on my very own street. I was driving home from a friend’s house, and was shocked to see what looked like toilet paper blowing in the wind, scattered like streamers. At first, I wondered if we had been the victim of a movie-esque teenage prank, but as time passed, I began to see that this phenomenon was not unique to my neighbourhood.

As any self-respecting journalist, I realized that it was my duty to figure out why toilet paper keeps littering our streets.

In recent times, toilet paper has gone from a hot topic for giggly nine-year-olds to a widely discussed product by adults. Unless you live under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard about the toilet paper shortages that marked the first wave of the pandemic.

Experts consider this shortage to be a possible reason for toilet paper on the streets of Montreal. The toilet paper companies, delighted with the boom in business, began to overproduce, leaving them with a surplus that would literally take years to deplete. The companies then decided to donate the surplus to the government, who chose to decorate the streets with it, claiming that it would greatly contribute to “a lack of ambiance.”

“I’ve done my research on this,” said Ben Wexler, who presents a different theory. He’s a student at Dawson in Liberal Arts, so you know that what he says is legit. He explained that though there’s not a substantial coverage of this on mainstream media outlets, there are actually “fluffy aliens” who have heard about the toilet paper shortage on Earth. These aliens have seen us fighting over it, and worry that we’re going to “come up there and start using them as toilet paper because we don’t have enough.” Wexler says that they dropped the toilet paper down to Earth as a precaution against this frankly rational fear.

Oakley Griffin, an Honours English Literature student at Concordia, originally wondered whether this phenomenon was the “aftermath of some failed protest.” He’s discovered, however, that stuffing toilet paper in the cracks of the streets is supposed to help mend them. To this, he wonders “whose dad is in charge of fixing the roads,” as this stunt is reminiscent of his own father dealing with an ant infestation by killing them using duct tape.

“With a 3-ply roll of toilet paper, from Charmin, no less, you get the best results,” explained Randy Brandman Farber, a Montreal therapist, on how it helps fix the roads. She says that because of the high quality of the product used on the streets, she would have no hesitation “scraping it up” and bringing it into her home if there was another shortage.

Wexler echoes this sentiment, but for different reasons, citing that “it’s a gift from the aliens, and it would be rude not to.”

In addition, given that public restrooms are often closed in these tumultuous times, toilet paper on the roads provides an excellent solution in an emergency bathroom situation.

That being said, toilet paper might, in fact, be the saving grace of Montreal’s bumpy roads. Either way, its presence on the streets is a soft caress reminding us that though we might not be able to see our friends, at least it’s always got our backs… or better yet, behinds.

 

Feature graphic by Taylor Reddam

Clog in the Machine: How to take a compliment

This is a piece of satire.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell when someone is complimenting you. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.

Do you ever struggle with identifying whether someone is complimenting you? Raise your hand if you’ve ever heard someone say, “Learn how to take a compliment! Gosh.” Trust me, ladies, you’re not the only one with your hand raised.

It’s hard to know just what to say when you get complimented, or even know when it’s happening. Growing up, I remember feeling like I’m just not tall enough to see a compliment coming without my heels on.

And then, it gets even more confusing — how do I respond? What do I say?

It can be oh-so stressful. Don’t fear, I’m here to help! After 25 years of experience getting compliments, I’m confident that my five-step process will guide you through the encounter from identifying, all the way to taking a compliment.

Step 1: Identify compliment as such

This can be difficult, as some compliments come in the form of screaming, googly-eyed facial expressions, or loud remarks from one chap to another, with the goal of you hearing their sidebar. This is normal. Sometimes you will be addressed from a moving car. In this case, if the car is driving under the speed limit, you will be expected to trot alongside the passenger seat, so as to better hear the compliment.

In this cultural landscape, observation-based remarks on one’s body or person, such as, “hot tits,” “sexy,” or “very nice,” are indeed compliments. Other forms of compliment may arrive as sound effects, such as, “woof woof” or invitations, like, “suck it!” I have appreciated each aforementioned compliment firsthand, and can confirm their status as such.

Step 2: Verify compliment with inquiry

In a case where someone is complimenting you, the last thing you want to do is seem too eager or vain. Make sure the speaker is indeed referring to you. You can do this by looking around to see if they might be addressing someone nearby, or maybe a neat patch of foliage, or the clouds. If no such alternative presents, return your gaze to the speaker, blink very slowly yet aggressively, like your top and bottom eyelash lines are at war, and mouth the word “Me?” while pointing to your face. The speaker will confirm or deny, as appropriate.

Step 3: Investigate compliment

It is important that, in a register only dogs can hear, you make your reply. This is when you can investigate the compliment, and get further information as to what the speaker intends with their remarks. My favourite response runs along the lines of, “While I am flattered, I’m curious why you said that to me.” The last thing you want to do is give the impression you are not flattered. It’s not every day somebody verifies your existence with a glance at your body. These are the terms in which people in our society validate each other — social media likes, Cash App tips, and comments on our bodies. The least we can do is show a little appreciation. Otherwise, it’s tacky.

The speaker will explain themselves, probably with hand gestures and descriptive language. Terms like “supple folds” and “peach blossoms” are common in such communications.

Step 4: Process compliment

You want to return validation, even when compliments sound like constructive criticisms, such as “bitch face” or a timeless classic “you’re ugly.” The very act of receiving commentary is the compliment. You will want to reply with warm thanks. Imagine what you would write in a thank you card after a particularly successful tombola.

To illustrate this, I will include an example. The last time I received a compliment, I replied, “This is a very kind combination of gestures and words that I feel are validating to my human experience. When I am approached in this manner, I like it.”

It is common that after such a pleasing interaction, the speaker will then encourage you. They might say, “That’s right, you little minx. I knew you liked it all along, if you’d just listen.”

Step 5: Take it

Now this is when it gets tricky, so strap on your highest heels so you can see what I’m saying. In order to take the compliment, you will want to walk over to the speaker, reach out your hand with your palms facing up to elicit a disarming stance, and then put your hand in the speaker’s coat pocket. Emerge from this pocket with their wallet, money clip, or any other accoutrement used for carrying money in hand. Remove any paper bills, signed cheques, and activated credit cards from said apparatus, thus taking the compliment. Return the empty wallet to the speaker and be on your way.

And there you go! How to take a compliment in five easy steps!

If you’re looking for more etiquette tips, just fish around in your purse for an antique wooden nail file with morse code carved into it. I snuck it in the front pouch while you were reading this.

 

 

Graphic by Lily Cowper

Clog in the machine: Orcs need a union, change my mind

This is a piece of satire.

Human rights and standards shift from government to government, yet we express little outrage at the abhorrent living and working conditions of the most vulnerable in our population, Orcs.

Orcs, the fictional species depicted in the prolific Lord of the Rings trilogy by J.R.R. Tolkien, are the victims of unseemly living conditions, human rights violations, and a shameful smear campaign that paints them as the oppressor, not the oppressed. They are practically bae if you like that victim of eugenics, foot soldier in a series of wars they don’t belong in, life expectancy akin to a fruit fly-type vibe. Incidentally, that is my type.

Orcs are born prisoners of war, by virtue of their existence alone. They emerge from this sickly, poorly ventilated stew of a lab-womb as fully developed adults for one purpose, and spoiler: it’s not to discover their love of arithmetic or sailing.

The sole purpose of Orcs is to serve soldiers in their master’s war. To this end, they’re born adults and male. No, their first word isn’t “Mama;” it’s “master.”

Orcs had their childhood bred out of existence like it was a coiled tail or floppy ears on a dog. Childhood doesn’t serve the war effort, so why bother? We have child labour laws, but somehow, Orcs don’t qualify for these standards. Is it because they’re born with all their adult teeth?

Everything about Orcs orient them to war. When you’re born in a dungeon-cave-laboratory, you don’t really want to call the Orc stirring your placenta-mud soup “Mama” or “Papa,” not even “comrade.” It just doesn’t feel right. They don’t have family, and that’s intentional. It’s so that they won’t have something personal to live for.

Female Orcs were also bred out of existence by eugenic practices because they did not serve their master’s war effort. When there is no love in your life, you’re more likely to march to your death in a war you only heard about around lunchtime.

Forced sterilization is such a horrible form of evil imposed on Orcs, as it impacts every corner of their existence. It’s also a human rights violation, according to the Geneva Convention. Canada, did you catch that? Ideally Canada would not do that, but you know how the saying goes — countries will be countries.

The Stanford Prison experiment studied the phenomenon of abuse in instances of unchecked power. We learned from this study that wrong actions don’t define Orcs’ personhood, violent circumstances do.

Take the shocking incidences of crimes against humanity inflicted on the prisoners held by American soldiers in Abu Ghraib during the polarizing Iraq war. American soldiers inflicted unbelievable mental and physical abuse on prisoners, from humiliation to blatant torture. These soldiers are labeled “a few bad apples,” and we carry on without criticism of the harmful structure that elicits these behaviours. When Orcs carry out similar atrocities, apples are just “bad” and structural context, again, gets lost in the shuffle of who to blame.

Orcs don’t have a cultural identity outside of war. All Orc names are about being good at war. One Orc leader is literally named Azgog the Defiler.

The languages Orcs speak are not their own, but are designed to facilitate war. Their system of governance is solely fear-based, with threat of punishment around every corner — all stick, no carrot, and the language they use, also created by their master, functions to organize war efforts, and nothing more. Orcs aren’t given an alternative, let alone a pension for their long career in defiling.

Orcs are a clog in the machine, and we are trying to pour Clorox down the drain. Considering all the fighting Orcs do, they weren’t given a fighting chance. They’re barely given a bathroom break. What are they, Amazon warehouse workers?

 

Graphic by Lily Cowper

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Opinions

Folks, we need to make cops more comfortable

graphic by @sundaemorningcoffee

A satirical approach highlighting why the SPVM should wear body cameras when dealing with citizens

Just last month, the SPVM released a whopping 215-page report concluding that body cams were an ineffective and overpriced project for the Montreal police force, effectively dropping it entirely. Additionally, the conclusions of a survey on officers revealed that they felt they were being watched and the cameras presented a breach of privacy, leading to them being uncomfortable having it on.

The conclusion of the report states that “according to the steps required by the local directive, it is up to the police officer to activate [the body camera], which has the effect of making them bear the weight of an important additional responsibility.” And folks, the last thing we need is around 3,000 people in possession of firearms and a dozen different incapacitating and violent tools (that are legally usable on civilians) to feel uncomfortable with the idea of additional responsibility!

This is why I come to you with a fervent plea: won’t somebody please think of the cops? Over the past few years, the SPVM has been through a myriad of “uncomfortable” situations and it would be a complete shame to burden them with extra responsibility.

Like when two Montreal police officers forcibly picked up a homeless man from downtown Montreal and drove him in a cruiser all the way to the Ontario border and dumped him there, according to CBC News. The punishment for essentially re-creating a kidnapping from one of the Taken movies with an innocent man off the streets was suspension with pay. However, fear not, because it took eight years to charge the officers with forcible confinement, assault and uttering threats, according to the same source. The arc of history is long, but it eventually ends with reluctantly admitting officers kidnapping people is bad. This whole conversation about using body cams does not consider the fact that serving and protecting Montreal is super hard when everyone can see footage of you loading a person into a cruiser like it’s moving day and chucking them into Ontario.

Or, imagine how awkward it would be if the officers tasked with spying and tracking journalist Patrick Lagacé in 2016 had to be held accountable for allegedly breaching his privacy by obtaining tracking warrants that allow the police to locate his cellphone via its GPS chip, according to The Globe and Mail. But, wait a minute, doesn’t the report on body cams mention that the officers felt uncomfortable being watched and isn’t this whole situation hypocritical? The answer is no, because cops need to be able to put someone in a chokehold for a minor infraction––turning on a surveillance device makes it difficult to squeeze a person’s entire respiratory system into dust as quickly as it would without surveillance. Meanwhile, journalists could potentially report on it and make the police look bad. Coming to terms with the consequences of your actions is just a hard concept to grasp when you’re on the force.

The report on body cams states that 90 per cent of the public has confidence in the SPVM. So, for the rest of you who probably think that cops harassing homeless people, spying on journalists to halt stories and pepper spraying protestors because they’ve been taunted one too many times is unwarranted—tough luck, because it seems like you hate cops getting comfortable with using their excessive amount of power on the daily. How dare you!

Finally, the report clearly indicates that it costs way too much to maintain the use of the body cameras. The pilot project cost $3.4 million and in order to implement them full-time, it would cost around $24 million a year, according to CTV News. I completely agree that it would be a waste of money for the SPVM. The police budget should strictly be used to make surveillance of citizens without their permission easier. Also, it should be used to equip officers with even deadlier weapons, so they can comfortably deal with people who are out of line. If the choice is between trusting the police’s promises or actually enforcing policies to keep them in check, you know I’m takin’ the path of least resistance…mostly because we all know what happens if we don’t.

Graphic by @sundaemorningcoffee

Categories
Opinions

How to survive in this cutthroat capitalist world

Graphic by Ana Bilokin

One student’s satirical approach to excelling in a competitive environment

One of the biggest fears of many students is graduation. How does one find a job and survive in this cut-throat, dog-eat-dog world? The “real world” is even scarier if you’ve spent most of your degree studying social sciences or humanities. You’ve been learning about the failings of global capitalism, and then you’re expected to live in this enigmatic economic system after graduation. Without further ado, here are a few general tips on how to win in this capitalist society. Since, you know, winning is all that matters.

The first rule is to constantly assess people by what they can give you. This can’t be stressed enough: people are vessels through which you can find success. Disregard anyone you perceive to be of a lower social standing. Shake the right hands (Tip: when shaking hands, pull the person toward you and ensure your hand is slightly on top of theirs. It’s a fun little way to assert power and dominance). This rule requires a mastery of the social hierarchy upon which every human is immovably placed.

The second rule is to live in utter fear and anxiety all the time. This includes fear of failure, fear of having your ideas stolen, fear of being cheated, fear of not being good enough, fear of falling behind and fear of starvation and/or homelessness. We live in an economic system based on good old competition, and everyone is secretly hoping you fail so their chances of success increase. Remember that people are out to get you, so at your deepest level, you need to truly trust and love no one.

The third rule is to lose any sense of morality or empathy you’ve ever had. You need to get out there and take what you want—and you are going to have to do some morally questionable things to get it. This may include intentionally slandering, sabotaging or even worse. At the end of the day, only one person can get that promotion you’ve been hoping for, so you’d better decide where your priorities lie. You will often see people who have less than you—quite possibly not even enough to survive—and your gut instinct will be to feel sympathy for them. But before you act too rashly, you need to remind yourself that they didn’t work as hard as you. Everyone gets exactly what they deserve, and there are no existing systems that benefit some people more than others.

Following these three simple rules will make you the winner of capitalism in no time. You will develop an unquenchable thirst for consumption in your pursuit for success, but surely happiness lies somewhere at the end of that, right? If you develop an anxiety so deep and fundamental that you can no longer function, you may consider rewiring your brain to be less concerned with monetary success and rigid hierarchical frameworks, but it’s really up to you. I’m sure you’ll find your own way to cope with the realization that all the plucky promises capitalism tells its youth, like “you get what you deserve” and “there’s value in hard work,” are ultimately propaganda to preserve the machine. Either way, happy job hunting!

Graphic by Ana Bilokin

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