Man. There’s something about the sex trade, isn’t there? Pornography is an international multibillion dollar industry that has been around for centuries, in the underbelly of society. Now, having never watched a full feature-length erotic film before, I was decently okay continuing a porn-free lifestyle. Honestly. I could take wild guesses at the works of thousands of silicon-based porn stars, and I was happy – ecstatic, even – to be unaware of the details.
But when Seinfeld A XXX Parody started showing at Cinema L’Amour, even my curiosity was piqued. I like the original show, so it only seems right to check out the smut it’s inspired, right? But, dear readers, curiosity is a fickle friend. And once you’ve seen two hours of raunchy, sweaty bodies committing unspeakable acts, there’s no return from that. So for this last Spoiler Alert, I’m giving you something a little outside the box. You thought Lady Gaga was edgy? I watched the Seinfeld XXX Parody so you never have to – unless you’re hard up and have specific ’90s sitcom fetishes.
First off, it would be against my journalistic morals if I didn’t mention that I decided to download the film, saving myself from those unsavoury theatre seats of Cinema L’Amour. I stand by this decision. Porn is not a social enjoyment, and people who think it is are – honestly? – a little fucked up. Secondly – being fucked up is alright. And few are more fucked up than the characters of Gerry, Elaina, Gorge, Crammer, and, oh yes, the Porn Nazi (no guesses as to his tagline).
Now. The story: Gerry and Elaina are really into this new adult DVD rental place. Elaina pisses off the owner, the Porn Nazi, by simply being annoying. Gerry and Elaina go back to the apartment and start watching porn, breaking the moans from the TV with painfully neurotic dialogue. Sex scene ensues for half an hour – no cuts, no edits, one shot (cinematically speaking).
Meanwhile, Crammer is unable to “jack off to porn anymore.” His idea is to make his own movie, renting a camera, porn stars, and a craft services table. Sure, he could probably cut down on production costs by walking into a bar and picking up a rando, but his way works too. Another half-hour sex scene with two girls on a picnic bench and a fully-clothed Crammer occasionally (and awkwardly) inserting his dong into various orifices.
Elaina goes back to the Porn Nazi to complain, but the Hot Female Asian Employee offers to give her the name of a secret distributor instead – “but you’ll have to do something for me,” which is, of course, code for inventory room girl-on-girl sex with magically appearing dildos.
The rest? “Noman” has trouble delivering Crammer’s completed film, Seinfeld’s new girlfriend has orgasms while watching the news, Gorge is basically George but less annoying. Throw in a few weak comedy routines (“What’s the deal with fake boobs?”) and awkwardly positioned laugh-tracks, and cap it off by Gerry gettin’ dirty with a massively-titted audience member on stage for, like, 20 minutes before credits roll.
But you don’t care about that. You just want to know what I think. Now here’s the thing – I had major expectations going in. I was a little nervous, had heard all these things, but I’d had a long and serious relationship with Seinfeld. And if it’s going to be your first time, it should be with something you love, right? Totally anti-climactic!
I could forgive the writing (no porn aficionado’s expecting classic Larry David-esque banter in all 15 minutes of dialogue), but it was mostly the sex that disappointed. Come on, porn stars and director, this is your trade. This is how you bring home the cash and cocaine. You live, breathe, eat, and fuck sex. If I’m going to sit down and watch a feature film in which the main selling point is 90 minutes of naked moaning professionals who are paid to have sex on film, let’s dive into the deep here. We all know the regular moves. I expect semen-stained pages ripped out of the Kama Sutra on the linoleum; perfectly agile, flexible bodies with new and fresh ways of penetration. Where’s the educational aspect of Seinfeld XXX? High production value isn’t going to cut it in porn anymore, Lee Roy Myers, director of this and many other sexy parodies. Time to get kinky.
