Category: Opinions

Regardless of gender, we are all susceptible to this issue

Guilt, exploitation and shame fill my mind as I try to recollect the troublesome event at my favourite haunt in the Old Port. I sip on my Americano at a vigorous rate as the memories begin to surge.

“It’s just sex, don’t be so uptight,” I tell myself. “But sex is not supposed to be like that, though,” says another inner voice, as the caffeine high finally kicks in and the hypothetical pendulum begins to swing.

I start to write this article, feeling a melancholic mix of liberation and anguish. For tackling the subject of sexual assault is both exhaustive and difficult, to say the least.

As an openly gay and single male living in Montreal, I’ve enjoyed the dating scene here in our beautiful city. Meeting and engaging with people from all walks of life has always been a passion of mine.

Things all changed one-year ago, when I decided to stop by the house of a guy I was dating at the time. We had only been seeing each other for few weeks, but I enjoyed his company and thought he was rather interesting.

Thinking we’d just talk and have a glass of wine, I was looking forward to a quiet evening filled with intellectual debates and relaxation. But to my surprise, I soon discovered the true nature of his intentions.

He kept making sexual advances, which left me caught off-guard and slightly uncomfortable. His constant persistence eventually ate away at my protective barriers and I was soon unclothed.

Although I initially consented to having sex, a furious debate raged in my mind on how to escape. The thoughts persisted for quite some time until I could no longer hold them back.

I told the individual to stop immediately. He didn’t.

I told him I wanted to leave. He physically prevented this and told me I had to stay all night.

I managed to leave sometime later, feeling defiled and vulnerable. I blocked his number as soon as I got in my car and knew I’d never see him again.

According to the Concordia’s Sexual Assault Resource Centre, “a consenting partner is one who enthusiastically agrees to be there and involved, who is able to give permission freely and without fear, pressure, force or intimidation.”

In the following days I went about my life normally, and coined the evening as a ‘bad date’ to my closest confidants. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized the true severity of the situation.

I was recounting the story to a dear friend of mine over a cup of tea sometime later, when she suddenly burst into tears over the details. Her emotion alarmed me, and I was confused as to why she was so upset. She then informed me that I was sexual assaulted.

It hit me like a ton of bricks: my consent had been violated and I was harmed by someone I apparently trusted. Suddenly my reality felt like it was shifting and I saw everything through the grey prism of the assault. I blamed myself harshly for being so naive and began to hate myself for allowing this to happen.

Roughly one in six men will experience some form of sexual violence in their lifetime. Regardless of gender, almost 80 per cent of will know who their perpetrator is, according to the Sexual Assault Resource Centre.

A report released by the Department of Justice Canada in 2013 showed most survivors of sexual assault are female, with the majority of incidents going unreported to police.

“Police-reported data for 2010 show that males accounted for 12 per cent of sexual assault victims,” outlines the report. The literature acknowledges this is a small percentage, but mentions that it’s difficult to get men to come forward and talk about the issue.

There has been a renewed emphasis placed on sexual violence in general, especially with the trials of Jian Ghomeshi and Bill Cosby, along with the Kesha court case dominating headlines.  

Last week, Lady Gaga performed her powerful song “Til It Happens To You” at the Academy Awards in front of a global audience of more than 65 million viewers, according to Nielsen. The Oscar-nominated song was written by Diane Warren and Gaga, who both revealed they are survivors of sexual assault in a recent interview with the Los Angeles Times.

The ballad was written for the documentary The Hunting Ground, a powerful film that addresses the issue of campus rape across the United States. During Lady Gaga’s set, she brought onstage with her a courageous group of young adults, who bore the words ‘survivor’ inked on their forearms.

Sexual violence is being brought to the forefront of our consciousness, and important conversations are being spurred as a result from this exposure.

The importance here is that the issue of sexual violence is being brought to the forefront. Society is being exposed to the conversation.

I consider myself lucky, mainly because immediately after the incident, I took advantage of our university’s amazing resources. As awkward and painful it was to walk to the Sexual Assault Resource Centre in the dimly lit GM building, I knew talking about it would prove to be cathartic—especially with a professional.

It’s been almost  one year since the assault and I remain defiant. The incident may have affected me in many ways, but it has not changed the fabric of my being. I’m still dating, socializing and studying like any normal adult in their early 20s.

Some days can be rather challenging, mainly because the memories sometimes come flowing back, especially when I have a drink. Intimacy has also proven to be quite difficult, because it’s hard to lower my guard.

I take solace in knowing that I’m not alone fighting this battle. By shining a beacon of light on this dark subject, it is my hope that it may encourage those suffering alone in the shadows to come forward and seek the proper help. It is time that as a society, we begin to discuss sexual violence more openly. We must continue to work towards a collective agreement that moves to prevent future cases from occurring—regardless of gender, sexual orientation or race.

 

[Important Terms]

Sexual assault is any unwanted, non-consensual, sexual contact. There are a range of behaviors and actions that fall under the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault is not only unwanted penetration (rape), it is also any unwanted touching, kissing, grabbing etc. For the purpose of this article, the terms sexual assault and sexual violence will be used interchangeably throughout.  

[Resources]

• If you are in immediate danger on campus, call (514) 848-3717—option one, or call 911.
• Sexual Assault Resource Centre (GM-300.27). Monday–Thursday 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can reach them at (514) 848-2424 ext. 3461 or ext. 3353.
• Visit the Centre for Gender Advocacy at the SGW campus for support at 2110 Mackay St. between Monday and Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. or at (514) 848-2424 ext. 7431. For peer support call (514) 848-2424 ext. 7880.
• For 24 hour support, call 1 (888) 933-9007.

Harbouring bitterness can create walls between those we love

Being bitter and holding onto emotions for too long is absolutely detrimental to friendships—and believe me, it nearly destroyed one of mine.

Harbouring negativity will just lead to resentment, unhappiness and an overall poor state of mental health. In the end the best thing to do is let it go, for bitterness is toxic and can poison all aspects of your life.

One of my closest friends and I had a falling out some time ago over a communication issue. Both of us were feeling a tremendous amount of emotion, but couldn’t properly express it. Our miscommunications eventually led to the disintegration of our friendship.

According to the book entitled Embitterment: Societal, psychological and clinical perspectives, bitterness occurs when an individual feels like they’ve lost control over a particular situation. Since they couldn’t prevent an undesired outcome, negative emotions begin to resonate.

My personal feelings align with the information above, because I felt like I lost control of the situation despite, my best intentions.

Normally time heals all things though, but not in this case. After a bit of distance, we tried to catch up not too long ago over lunch, but couldn’t seem to patch things up. The bitterness still resides deep within my being, and I can no longer connect with this individual.

Bitterness affects your entire life, and it is like a cancer that eventually spreads to other domains. I think about our fight every day, wishing I wasn’t so angry and upset over the way things ended up. I think about it constantly, regretting how I should’ve initiated a conversation with him, and understand the reason of our falling out.

“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them,” said Bruce Lee.

If something bothers you everyday then it is a problem, one that needs to be addressed.

I carry around this bitter need to fix things, and it affects my daily life.

Just walking home from school or going to class can be a battle if I’ve been thinking about the fight. I’ll sometimes choose to not go places or hang out with my friends because the bitterness makes me go to a dark and horrible place.

The feelings of resentment now have turned inwards towards myself and are affecting my own personal happiness. Letting these feelings get in the way of your own well being is not a healthy emotion.

I firmly believe that you are in charge of your own happiness. Sometimes letting go and working it out is the best way to fix the situation. Letting go of the bitterness will make things better, even if the friendship has ended at least there will be less pain.

The greatest example of not letting bitterness take control is Nelson Mandela. If he can forgive and forget those who mistreated him, then we can forgive the little things that we have done, even if it’s difficult to accept.

Bitterness is a toxin that will seep into all the crevasses of your mind. It will affect your happiness, your friends, and sometimes even your family.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong,” said Mahatma Gandhi, a sentiment we should all adhere to.

Analyzing the court case that gained the attention of both the media and the world

Have you ever wondered what happened to celebrities who seem to disappear from public consciousness? Maybe they’ve retired, wanted to raise a family out of the spotlight, or have moved on to other projects.

This is not the case for Kesha, or as we’ve known her for most of her career, Ke$ha. The reason she hasn’t released music for over three years, in fact, is far more sinister.

Since October 2014, she’s been embroiled in a contentious legal battle with her producer, Dr. Luke, over allegations that he emotionally and sexually abused her over the 10 years they’ve worked together. Last week, a New York Supreme Court denied Kesha’s request that she be released from her contract with Kemosabe Records, a subsidiary of Sony Music Entertainment, which is owned by Dr. Luke. Essentially, this means that Kesha will be forced to continue to work with her alleged abuser, and he will forever profit from the royalties generated from her music.

Pictures of Kesha after the verdict show a devastated woman, and not the confident singer-songwriter the world has come to know. Her career began when she was 18, and apart from her two albums, she has co-written songs for Miley Cyrus, Miranda Cosgrove, and Britney Spears, among others.

Kesha’s music has many themes, including individuality, magic, rebellion, and most famously, partying, but there is more to her than meets the ear. She obtained a near-perfect score on her SATs in high school according to the Huffington Post, and aside from her music career, she has become renowned for her LGBT and animal rights activism. As of 2016, Kesha has received 64 award nominations, winning 15, and has sold over 60 million albums worldwide.

But with fame often comes a dark side. In the winter of 2014, Kesha underwent treatment for bulimia, which her mother said was the result of Dr. Luke pressuring her to lose weight according to People.

When I first heard about this, I was saddened, but not surprised. Watch the music video for her and Pitbull’s song “Timber” and you’ll see just how thin she got. It was clear that whatever was happening to her was bad.

What is perhaps most unsettling about the case is that this is yet another instance where powerful men seem to have the upper hand. Dr. Luke is one of the biggest players in the music industry today, having produced and written dozens of hit songs and albums within the past 10 years. He’s probably been somehow involved in the Top 40 song you’re listening to right now. And as the Bill Cosby and Jian Ghomeshi cases have shown, he’s not the first entertainment heavyweight to get entangled in abuse allegations and unfortunately won’t be the last.

Whether or not Dr. Luke is guilty of abusing Kesha, the overwhelming support she has received since the ruling is incredibly touching, and perhaps revealing. Several musicians, including Lady Gaga, Tegan and Sara, Lorde, Halsey, and Miley Cyrus tweeted in solidarity, while Taylor Swift donated $250,000 to help cover Kesha’s financial fees according to Rolling Stone. Adele voiced her support during an acceptance speech at the 2016 Brit Awards, and Jack Antonoff and Zedd offered to be her producers.

Even those outside the music world, including George Takei, Anne Hathaway, and Mariska Hargitay rallied to her defense. Kesha may have lost the battle, but Dr. Luke hasn’t won the war.

Ultimately, two things are certain—for now, Kesha must be under Dr. Luke’s label, and despite the court’s findings, only she and Dr. Luke know what really happened. And yet, while she is clearly upset with the outcome, I argue that something good will come out of this.

The truth always comes out in the end, but more concretely, the case has grown into something bigger than itself. It’s not only about rape culture, the (alleged) abuse of power, and the dark underbelly of stardom.

It’s also about how others will reach out to those who need help, and whether they do so through thoughts, words, or actions, they show that people care. As Kesha wrote in her first public statement since the verdict, “We’re all in this together. You are not alone.”

Exploring the topic of drag queens and modern feminism

Ever since the art of drag broke into the mainstream, there has been scrutiny. As an art form that was always on the fringe of society, not everybody understands what drag queens represent, but that hasn’t stopped society from passing judgment.

I consider myself to be an avid drag enthusiast, and it shocked me recently when a friend implied that drag queens were anti-feminist. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard these kind of accusations, and it leaves me wondering if the people passing these judgments have ever actually encountered a drag queen.

Drag performers have always been strong advocates for equal rights. Back in the 1960s, drag queens and trans activists were at the forefront of the Stonewall riots that changed the face of the gay rights movement. For those who don’t know, the Stonewall riots were a series of demonstrations held by members of the LGBTQ communities in New York following a violent police raid at the Stonewall Inn; after years of being discriminated against, beaten, and arrested simply for being gay or trans, the community finally fought back and changed history as we know it. They fought for the rights of not only the LGBTQ communities, but for every oppressed group, because they too understood the pain of oppression.

Some drag performers may indulge in female stereotypes at times, but drag queens have also celebrated strong-willed women. Icons like Cher and Madonna remain drag favourites because they represent powerful female energy; they dared to be different and rose to the top in a male-dominated world. Drag queens are inspired by feminist figures, but then people have the audacity to call them anti-feminist.

It’s not about men using their gender privilege to capitalize on femininity; it’s about people—men, women, and those who don’t conform to either—expressing themselves through their art. It’s about performance, and being able to take on a character that allows you to let go of reality. For some people, that involves putting on a wig, breasts, and makeup and being the strong woman they need to give them the confidence they lack in their everyday life.

Throughout history, our fragile idea of masculinity has always been restrictive in terms of how men express themselves creatively. Even in 2016, not everyone is comfortable with a man embracing a more traditionally feminine style. Drag is just an outlet for performers to break down those barriers and explore another side of themselves.

With all that said, it’s worth mentioning that this whole argument stems from a very narrow-minded, mainstream idea of what drag is in the first place. To the average consumer, a drag queen is a larger-than-life personality in an extravagant, sequined outfit, clownish makeup, and a crazy wig, who makes crass jokes and lip syncs pop songs. And while that is a perfectly respectable form of drag, it is not the only kind. When a lot of people think drag queen, they think Divine, RuPaul, Lady Bunny, or the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but drag does not always mean a man dressing as a flamboyant caricature of a woman.

Some drag performers, dating back to the club kid scene in the ‘80s and ‘90s, take on very artistic, conceptual characters that are about more than glamour, lip-syncing, or comedy. In fact, a lot of these performers don’t subscribe to one gender, and instead choose to be more fluid, drawing inspiration from both male and female ideals.

That’s not to say only men can be drag performers either. There are drag kings—women who take on male characters—and, more recently gaining popularity, bio (or “faux”) queens, who are biological women performing as drag queens. This argument also discounts the many trans women who consider themselves drag performers. Would you say they are anti-feminist?

Why are we putting feminism, and drag for that matter, into such a narrow box? There are countless ways to interpret feminism, and there are so many different forms of drag. It’s hard to generalize an entire art form as being “anti-feminist” when it not only recognizes and celebrates strong female figures, but also encompasses so many varied, unique types of artists. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and if someone thinks drag goes against their idea of feminism, then so be it. But like RuPaul always says, “Unless they paying your bills, pay those bitches no mind.”

Tackling the fear and anxiety brought upon by hypochondria

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, hypochondria is an excessive concern about your own health. It involves believing you have an illness that you actually don’t have.

Living with hypochondria has caused great anxiety in my life, mostly because the things that can cause the illnesses I’m afraid of are in our everyday world and are out of my control.

Where others get stressed over a final exam or a big show, I get stressed over a minor headache that I think may be a brain tumour. This may seem strange, but I’ve lived this way my entire life. I stress about things that I cannot control, which is debilitating in its own right.

But can you really blame a girl for being paranoid?

We live in a world where almost anything can kill you. From radiation to hidden carcinogens, we’re constantly exposed to a variety of toxins.

I’ve always been a hypochondriac, and with the amount of information circulating the internet.

For example, according to a report by Consumer Reports, cell phones emit a type of radiation also found in microwaves and toaster ovens. While radiation is not known to alter DNA, this data alone freaks me out.

It creates an irrational link within my mind between mobile phones and radiation damage, igniting anxiety.

A report from Reader’s Digest titled “Is Google making us sick?” talks about how the population has a greater access to information, making self-diagnosis a new normal. Medical websites are inundated with remedies and solutions to your every question, creating a new breed of hypochondriacs.

We live in an age where we have access to an unlimited amount of data and information, which has definitely fuelled my hypochondria.

A recent German study cited by Consumer Reports, found that mice subjected to the type of radiation present in microwaves and cellphones promoted the growth of brain tumours. It is only a matter of time before this radiation affects us too. It may just be brewing for about 30 years, but since we have our phones on us every second of every day, it doesn’t seem so far fetched.

I worry about food a lot too, for processed and altered food products are not something I want to be putting into my body. It seems that most affordable (and cheap) food contains additives.

After watching the documentary Food Inc., I became way more conscious of the food I’m ingesting and where it’s coming from. This led to an intensification of my hypochondria because I feel a loss of control over my diet, possibly eating poisonous delicacies.  

Lastly, the air we breathe is slowly contributing to poor health. The air is filled with pollutants like sulfur dioxide, methane, and carbon monoxide just to name a few. According to World Health Organization, air pollution is known to cause an increase in the possibility of developing respiratory illnesses, strokes, lung cancer, heart disease and premature death. You may not smell or see these pollutants, which is what makes them so scary.

There is no way to avoid them, we are all subject to it and we will all be affected in some way.

I live with hypochondria and at times it can be a struggle, considering we live in a world where I can access thousands of pages of information.