Tag: dating

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Opinions

AI: your next romantic partner

Graphic by Finn Grosu @tesdoncbenfinn

AI is slowly but surely becoming part of our romantic lives.

Artificial intelligence is such a fascinating invention. However, many consider it a threat to humanity. AI is invading the romantic world with its customizable partners—and as dangerous as it is, it’s inevitable.

People who are tired of getting ghosted, betrayed, and hurt, might consider downloading an AI application that replicates the emotions of human beings. Having an AI partner can be helpful to improve one’s relationship skills and boost confidence. It can also allow people who have been traumatized by a former toxic partner to find a safe space. 

But while AI may seem like a tool to end romantic loneliness, it isolates the person from the real world. It hinders them from facing their fears and healing themselves to establish genuine, healthy relationships. 

Out of curiosity, I downloaded an AI dating app last year. However, I felt bored immediately simply because the person responding did not exist. Receiving a good morning text daily feels good, but dating an AI sounds like living in a delusional world.

We must be mindful that dating an AI is way more dangerous than we think. People trying to build a relationship with their AI partner will share much of their personal information—not knowing that a company on the other side may collect all their data. 

As I think of AI dominating the dating scene, I imagine new debates emerging. Will texting an AI be considered cheating? Are humans now in competition with an AI? Will people find it hard to move on from their AI partners? Will AI increase anxiety in real-world dating? Many people are already addicted to their social media apps and I fear that AI will eventually become addictive, too. Being in a prolonged relationship with an AI will cause people to feel anxious when interacting with real humans. 

Imagine being intimate and vulnerable with an AI everyday. Reading and hearing exactly what you want will create a destructive comfort zone. It will hinder one from experiencing joy from actual dates and learning to evolve with a human partner. I also see it as a trap. When we constantly escape our reality to temporarily feel better, we only postpone our healing and the magic that comes with true love.

In Japan, over 4,000 men have an AI digital wife with a marriage certificate issued by tech company Gatebox. Although the number might seem low, it is still concerning. I firmly believe that this number will rise exponentially in the upcoming years. In the long run, the decrease in birth rate will be alarming. 

If things remain the same, AI will transform the world into a place lacking in deep emotions and human interactions. While change is sometimes daunting, we must always proceed with caution and choose to participate in what feels right to us. 

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Features

The francophone dating life: a podcast by Pauline Lazarus

Amelia Hart/THE CONCORDIAN

Originally from France, Pauline Lazarus sheds light on the cultural differences in the dating lives of French people and Quebecers.

After two months and 10 dates, Ben was convinced he was in a serious relationship. It was to his surprise when he learned he was only considered a friend. 

Pauline Lazarus launched the podcast Une Histoire à part earlier this year, where she invites francophone people to discuss cultural differences between dating customs in France versus Quebec.  

Ben was one of the first guests of the podcast.

“I go out with a guy once, twice, I let myself go up to three times, but by the third time I can tell if I like him enough to have feelings,” Ben, who wanted to stay anonymous, said on the podcast.

When he arrived in Montreal and started dating, Ben quickly understood what it is like to date someone from a different cultural background.

“After kissing a French person, the French consider themselves a couple whereas, for the Quebecers, it is really not the case,” said Noé Klein, a Ph.D. student in sociology at the Université du Québec à Montréal. Klein’s research involves examining friendly and loving relationships between French and Quebecers. 

Already friends before the podcast, it was Ben’s story about coming out in Montreal that inspired Lazarus to create Une Histoire à part. She realized that people across the city have all kinds of stories to share about their dating life.

Lazarus plans to release one episode bi-weekly and sees it as a personal challenge that brings her closer to her lifelong dream to work in radio. 

“When we move to a city, we’re not all running away from something, but maybe we’re all looking to be a better version of ourselves,” Lazarus added.

Not interested in the number of listeners, she is grateful if her podcast can help people by advising on adaptation and cultural differences by showcasing stories like Ben’s, who explained how Montreal helped him to come out to his family.

“When I came to Montreal, I felt free to be myself,” Ben said.

Lazarus came to Montreal five years ago on a Working Holiday Visa.

“I applied without much conviction, I must admit, because I had never talked about Canada in my life. I know that for a lot of people, it’s their dream, they’ve been waiting to come to Canada for several years. For me, it was not at all the case, it was really almost a coincidence,” she said.

Although she didn’t plan to stay longer than the two-year duration of her visa, after four years, Canada has become her home.

“I like to connect and exchange with people, and for me, that also means meeting people,” she said.

Since starting the podcast, Lazarus has met with different people and has noticed clear cultural differences.

“It’s true that even though we’re in Quebec where we speak French, we sometimes have the impression that it’s a bit like France. In the love life, here, it is a little different,” she said.

Lazarus said French people come to Montreal thinking they will be able to connect easily with Quebecers, but this is forgetting that they come from two different continents with an important cultural difference.

One of the most important differences between French people and Quebecers when it comes to dating is the status of “seeing someone” that comes before the discussion about becoming “official,” said Lazarus. 

In his thesis, Ph.D. sociology student Noé Klein explains how the French have a vision of relationships that quickly develops towards becoming a couple, whereas Quebecers have this notion of “seeing someone,” a period when they enter an intimate relationship in which one person gradually gets to know the other. 

“It takes more time for Quebecers to see themselves as a “couple” but when they do, it is something much more defined and committed than for the French, who have a blurrier definition of the term,” said Klein.

In Une Histoire à part, Lazarus introduces dating anecdotes in light of these differences for the listeners to avoid bad surprises.

In addition to the definition of “couple” itself, Lazarus discovered that for many, the openness of the city also leads to the openness of relationships. 

“Montreal is a very open city, both culturally and in other ways,” Lazarus said.

Even though she no longer lives in France, she agrees that the trend of open relationships or poly-love is much more democratized in Montreal than in France.

Always eager to learn and welcome people, Lazarus likes to make people feel comfortable when they share their experiences.

On a late Sunday afternoon, Pauline Lazarus opens a bottle of champagne and places it on the coffee table before settling into her sofa. With two microphones and her recorder in hand, a discussion begins between two friends over a drink.

This was during the first episode of Une Histoire à part, where Lazarus invited Barbara Lopez to her apartment to talk about her personal dating experiences when she came to Montreal 10 years ago.

“The podcast is almost just a bonus, it really could have been only a discussion around a drink,” Lopez said.

Lazarus welcomes each guest to her cozy apartment to share their experiences in a place of trust.

“I don’t think I would have opened up as easily and felt as comfortable if it had been in a studio in the middle of the day, you know. I felt that I had the freedom to talk about whatever I wanted,” said Lopez.

Une Histoire à part brings together different points of view, different stories, and unites the francophone community around their dating stories.For more stories, you can find the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

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Opinions

Age gap relationships: Why we should stop judging and let people love each other

Who are we to judge what a “socially acceptable” relationship is?

I will start this article with my own personal experience. I’ve been in an age–gap relationship for the past three years and I’ve never been happier — so as a full disclaimer, I may be a little biased. My age gap with my boyfriend is 18 years; he’s 39 and I’m 21. For many, this may appear as an unacceptable relationship.

When we first started dating I had just turned 18, so you can say we received a lot of backlash and negative opinions about our relationship. To make matters even more controversial, he has two kids, ages nine and eleven. You probably just did the math in your head; I am closer in age to the children than to my boyfriend. Shocking, you might be thinking, but to me, everything is completely normal because we are a family just like any other.

I understand that it’s an unusual situation, and one study has shown that only seven per cent of married heterosexual couples have over a 10 year age gap (where the man is older), making my relationship quite uncommon. On a side note, women are older in only one percent of 10-year age gap relationships. It’s also understandable that you may have questions for me such as “How do your parents feel about it,” or “Do his kids like you,” or “What about when you want to have kids?”

Curiosity is an essential part of human nature and my current situation sparks the curiosity of many. Most of the time I’m open to answering these questions when they come without judgment because if I weren’t in this relationship, I too would be curious.

Knowing myself, I would be intrigued to know how a couple with an 18 year age difference can be so successful.

At the beginning of my relationship, it wasn’t always easy for me. All I knew was that we were two people madly in love, as cliché as that sounds.

The backlash I received was brutal. I lost most of my friends at the time (looking back, they definitely weren’t real friends) and he received a few negative comments from his entourage. To make matters worse, the people I was “friends” with at the time did everything to try and sabotage my relationship with him —  it went as far as inventing defamatory stories about my boyfriend. Also, they constantly tried to tell me that I would be missing out on my “young adulthood” by being with an older man. I was also constantly told that people would judge me when we go out in public because our age difference is obvious. For a while, I wouldn’t even hold his hand in public in fear people would judge us or think negatively of me.

For my boyfriend, one comment he received from a friend was in regards to a calculation you can do to see if your relationship is “socially acceptable.” You divide the oldest person’s age in two and add seven, and the answer is the age of the youngest person you can date. If we would have followed that calculation, the youngest person my boyfriend could have dated would be 25.

For a while, we were so afraid of what society thought about us. Every time we would go out we would feel ashamed for being together when we had absolutely no reason to be. I always think back on how I would have missed out on this amazing relationship if I would have listened to what is socially “acceptable.”

After asking people on social media how they feel about age gap relationships, to my surprise, lots were “pro-age-gap.” Many believe that if both parties are legally consenting adults, the relationship should not be an issue to anyone. I am in complete agreement, but some believe otherwise.

Many people are misinformed about age gap relationships. They believe the narrative that the older man is a “creep” or a “perv” and the younger girl is a “gold digger” or has “daddy issues.”

“We can’t make generalizations about all relationships,” according to Kristen Finn,* who I spoke to through my survey on social media. Kristen and her husband have a 21 year age gap —  she’s 35 and he’s 56 —  and they have been together for almost 11 years; married for six.

Another woman surveyed stated that “It’s just not right” for couples to have a significant difference in age and “The older person in the relationship is predatorial on the younger person who is impressionable.”

“I don’t think people should judge on what’s right for other people’s relationships as long as both people are consensual adults, they should decide what’s right for themselves,” said Isabella Hernandez. Isabella and her boyfriend have a 14 year age gap and have been together for over a year.

The definition of the word predatorial is “(someone) seeking to exploit or oppress others.” Calling someone “predatorial” is a serious accusation and it could be seen as defamatory if not backed up by evidence.

I have never felt my boyfriend has been “predatorial.” Since the day we met, he has been nothing less than kind, loving, supportive, and respectful.

“We don’t decide who we fall in love with,” said Romane Bocquet. She and her boyfriend have been together for over two years and have a 23-year age-gap.

I believe that people need to be educated on what it means to be in an age-gap relationship.

Love is love and that fact is independent of gender, sex, race, or age.

 

*This name was changed to protect the identity of this individual

 

Photo collage by Christine Beaudoin

Categories
Student Life

The art of being single: Having patience vs. wasting your time

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Last week, I saw a tweet pop up on my timeline that said “you gotta know the difference between being patient and wasting your time.”

While both may involve waiting on someone or something to come around or to change, there is a difference between being patient and wasting your time. It may not always seem like there is much that distinguishes the two, but the difference lies in what the end goal is and if you have any control over the outcome.

If you’re interested in someone but they say they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them and let them be. Conversely, if you see that someone is interested in you but you’re not ready for a relationship, don’t lead them on, no matter how interested you may be in them as a person.

This might be controversial—so please don’t come for me—but I don’t think there’s such a thing as the right person at the wrong time. If it seems like it’s the wrong time, it just means it’s the wrong person, no matter how right it may seem at first. People tend to forget that there’s more than just being interested in someone for it to be “right.” Think about your mental stability, your emotional availability, your willingness to commit to someone—when it comes to people’s feelings, yours or another person’s, don’t half-ass it because that just ends badly for at least one of the people involved.

What does this have to do with knowing there’s a difference between having patience and wasting your time? Keep an eye out for these things to know where you stand with someone. If someone is showing interest but isn’t making the effort, let it be. If someone says they’re not ready to embark into a new relationship, let them be. If you’re only interested in someone for what they do and not them as a person, let them go.

What’s it like being patient, then? It’s being around them and feeling yourself become happy. It’s feeling their energy shift after a few days or weeks of seeing each other regularly, whether in a group or on an individual basis. It’s also sharing some tender moments and not feeling rushed or pressured. It can be spending so many nights cooped up in a car having late night chats, and your favourite thing about it all is the way their eyes smile when you look at them, or the way their hugs are a bit tighter every time you say goodbye.

And sometimes, it’s having a mutual friend that knows what both of you are too afraid to admit to each other.

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Categories
Student Life

The art of being single: Rejection

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

How do you deal with being around people you’ve rejected? Better yet, how do you deal with being around people who’ve rejected you?

Were you rejected by someone that you asked out from your class and then had to spend the next 10 weeks in a group project with them? Did you turn down someone that you see on a regular basis, such as at your local coffee shop or the gym? Did you become close with someone, shoot your shot, were rejected then remained friends? How about the contrary situation where you become friends with someone, very clearly have chemistry with them, shoot your shot, get rejected then never speak again? Well, if any or all of these scenarios have happened to you and you’re trying to navigate being rejected or rejecting someone, you’ve come to the right place.

Whether you are the rejected or the rejecter, I think the same can be said for people in either position. The first thing to try to tackle is understanding the external circumstances, i.e. the possible previous relationship you had with this person or the routine you had developed with or around them. Do you absolutely have to be around this person again? Do either of you make it awkward when you—if you—interact? Is there bitterness on either end about things not working out as hoped? Truly, at the end of it all, does any of it matter?

The second thing to consider is the internal circumstance, i.e. how mature you are. This might be calling some people out but, hey ho, someone has to: if you cannot deal with being rejected or rejecting someone that you have to be around after the fact, get your head out of your ass and be mature about it.

If you are the one being rejected, don’t take it too personally—unless they’re bashing your entire existence, in which case, kick their ass—and don’t let it affect your day-to-day life. If you’re not mature enough to do so, I also have this to say: don’t make your feelings other people’s problems. Own up to your actions and emotions and don’t take it out on the other person for being honest with you. If you’re the one doing the rejecting and the other person makes you feel like shit for it, don’t. Rejection is a natural part of socialization and you shouldn’t feel bad for being honest.

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Categories
Opinions

A trashy student reviewing a trashy show

Reality television is trash

That being said, there is a huge market for it, and it usually reflects what the people want.

The beloved “Bachelor’s” market profits off viewers watching attractive people “fall in love.” Although this show has remained popular, it’s clearly not checking all the boxes.

Netflix has jumped on the idea that unlike what we see on “The Bachelor,” people want authentic, less superficial love. That’s tricky for reality television, but alas they have tried to take it on, in the new reality T.V. show “Love is Blind.”

“Love is Blind” is a show where contestants talk to eligible bachelors and bachelorettes through opaque pods, in hopes to find their true love without actually seeing them. For the sake of this article, we are going to skip over the fact that every contestant is extremely attractive, every woman is wearing a full face of makeup despite not being seen and we are mostly only exposed to heterosexual desires because if we unpack that, I will get a migraine. A grain of salt … we are taking this with a grain of salt.

Before I continue, I would just like to admit that I am not a huge fan of reality television. I never understood the point of “Jersey Shore” or “Keeping Up with The Kardashians” (and, I feel like I may have just lost some readers). So, that being said, I am definitely not here to review the show. There are many more qualified pop culture experts who would do a better job than me. I do, however, want to look at why a show like this exists, and why dating in 2020 is always framed as a nightmare.

Is it really necessary for us to delete our Tinder apps and head to Atlanta, Georgia to find true love through an opaque wall? Is this really where we’re at, team?

The other day I asked my grandfather why he married my grandmother. He told me that she was smart, pretty and nice. They dated, and he thought, wow—smart, pretty and nice, let’s get married. My grandmother, of course, can tell you the exact shoes my grandfather was wearing on their first date, and how the hand-me-down button-up white shirt he had on was just a smidge too small. She just knew he was the right guy. A simpler time, right?

When I think about dating in the past, I always feel like it was easier. Wasn’t it just flowers, phone calls and drive-in movies? No texting, getting ghosted, emojis and definitely no swiping. What a dream.

Except that’s not necessarily fair. As society evolves and changes, so do relationships.

Dating apps get a bad rep, and I can tell you from experience they can be quite draining and discouraging. This being said, the world of online dating is complex. I mean listen, guys, some of my best friends are on the apps. Do you know how damn lucky you would be to swipe on them?

I think to completely write off online dating as a concept is quite difficult. Instead of hating on the apps completely, like the hosts on “Love is Blind” (even though it’s good marketing), we might benefit from a more productive conversation surrounding this dating strategy.

There’s something that smells pretentious to me when people say they would rather meet organically and not on the apps.

I mean, of course, it would be nice to have a smart guy come up to you on the metro, ask you about the feminist literature you were reading, take you out for coffee and spend it talking about how he has 2 sisters and loves his mom. But, as we ask our Google Homes to tell us the weather, and we shove two white plastic headphones that don’t even have a string in our ears, isn’t this just, like, the future? Isn’t finding someone on an app not that crazy, considering everything else we do using technology?

I know I’m oversimplifying the dark world of online dating, but I really just want to talk about the stigma. It’s okay to be vulnerable and try the apps, delete them 16 times and then redownload them—I think it is just part of our 2020 story.

There’s also space for you to disagree with me. I’m not even sure if I agree with me, it really depends on the week. Love isn’t one thing. It’s wonderful, devastating, exhausting and may very well include a little swiping.

Dating is hard at the end of the day, and “love being blind” is just a cheesy song lyric. 

 

Graphic by Sasha Axenova

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Student Life

The art of being single: Expectations Pt. 2

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

I’m no stranger to writing about expectations: how they can lead to overthinking certain relationships and encounters, how they can leave you with unrealistic perspectives of people and situations, how they can just generally crush your soul, ruin your life and cause eternal instability and turmoil. In short, I think expectations suck and we should try to live life without them.

Having expectations, at least in my opinion, right when you meet someone, is a dangerous game to be playing. You don’t know this person’s personality, their attitude, the way they handle bad situations, how they treat customer service employees, if they litter, etc. All of these are very important things to consider, but that you (most likely) do not have access to. What you also don’t know is what their intentions are, unless you ask–but then you risk looking absolutely batshit crazy. Where they’re at in their lives, where they’ve been, what they’ve gone through.

What you also don’t know is what their intentions are, unless you ask–but then you risk looking absolutely batshit crazy. How many times does your heart skip a beat when you lock eyes with someone for the first time and their smile melts your insides? Exactly.

It’s easy to get swept up in the feeling and start overthinking things, start building up expectations in your mind of who this person is, what they may be like, what type of relationship you may want to have with them. It’s even more difficult to stop these things from happening when you just find them so damn cute.

To top it all off, it’s even more difficult to control your mind from creating expectations when other people jump on board—it’s one thing to talk yourself down from thinking something because you may say you’re overreacting or it’s all in your head. But when other people—especially your friends, your mutual friends—acknowledge some type of chemistry, you might think you should just save yourself the trouble and yeet yourself off a building. Don’t!

What do you do to prevent expectations from bursting in like they own the place and blowing up all chances of being mentally stable while you get to know this person? I was recently told to not have high hopes but also to keep hope—it’s that fine line of being able to go with the flow in reality and stopping yourself from overthinking and creating expectations in your mind.

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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Student Life

The art of being single: Expectations

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Why do people have so many expectations? 

If you’ve been following along since the beginning, or if you know me in real life, then you know that I used to use dating apps to try to find ~the love of my life~. I would spend hours upon hours swiping left and right, matching with many strangers, chatting with some of them, getting further than simple small talk with only a handful. I’d get attached to two or three, spending countless days and/or weeks talking to them on the daily, hoping that one of them, nay, expecting that one of them would be “the one.”

Extreme? Perhaps—at least I’ve acknowledged it and learned from my past, right? But even without the perhaps extreme nature of my previously delusional thinking, expectations in the dating world, well in general, are real and they are a cause for unnecessary stress, dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Why do people have so many expectations of another person? Why is there this idea that if you’re attracted to someone, you have to date or hook up immediately to satiate your innate, primal hunger? Why does so much time have to be dedicated, especially right at the start, to spending every minute of every day talking to them, getting to know them, seeing if they’re worthy, or even worth being with at all? Why is it that, if you like someone so much that there’s undeniable, palpable tension that can be seen from a mile away, you have to consider everything else: school, work, family, friends, etc.? Why do expectations rely on the circumstances you’re in?

If you find yourself attracted to someone, if you want to get to know them more, if you want to maybe even end up dating them, just go with the flow. The more expectations you put on yourself, on others and on situations, the more you put on the line and the more you risk losing or messing up.

Just talk, take things easy, hang out—with no expectations. I’ve learnt it and I’m here to pass my wisdom (lol) along to you all. Live life with an idea of what you want—I’m not saying you should abandon your goals/dreams/aspirations for the end goal—but be willing to go with the flow, to take things in stride and live with no (at least less) expectations for the journey to get there.

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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Student Life

The art of being single: Dating is exhausting

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Dating is exhausting.

The pre-date chatting that can go on for as little as one day to as long as a few weeks—let’s face it, even if this might not be ideal, we’re adults and life gets hard to schedule sometimes. There’s also the setting up an actual date, getting ready for the date, going on the date, talking to your date, maybe arguing about who’s going to pay for the date and then doing this all over again a few times while you try to decide if you actually like this person. Sometimes you can know right away, but how do you know this is the right person out of all the people you’re talking to?

Yes, other people because why would you put all your eggs in one basket? How do you know all this time and energy spent on one person is going to work out? You don’t. So while all this is going on with one person, you’re also trying to balance talking to other people, setting up other dates, trying to schedule all these things in the same week alongside your classes, job, homework, family and social life. Whew. Just trying to manage all these things can be physically exhausting.

Dating is hard, yo. Even if you end up going on a few dates with someone to try to figure out if you like them, like, how do you know how long that’s going to take? How long do you want to spend talking to/seeing just one person you’re not entirely sure about? Again, you don’t. It’s all so exhausting trying to figure out who you like and if they’re worth all the time you’re spending while you’re going on dates, but also whether or not you actually want to date them, as in be with them, long term.

Dating is also scary. Through all these dates, you’re spending all this time talking to people, opening up to them, divulging parts of yourself, your interests, hobbies, day-to-day life, you talk about your family, your friends, your goals, dreams, blah blah blah—over and over again.This too can be exhausting; trying to gauge how much you’re going to trust someone, what you want to tell them, what parts of yourself you want to keep away until you decide if you actually want to be with them. All these things can take a toll on your mental and emotional capacities. 

So why do we keep going on dates? Well, I assume it’s because you want to end up with someone, or maybe you just want to add a little bit of extra ~spice~ in your life. Either way, if you decide you’re too tired and want to take a break from dating, you do you boo; we’re out here supporting you.

 

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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Student Life

The art of being single: Circumstances

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

Not the right timing. Not the right feelings. Not part of the plan. Not what I had in mind. Not what I’m looking for. Not in that way. Not in a million years. Maybe in four months. Maybe if things were different.

Whether it’s that cute girl you work with that you have undeniable chemistry with, that handsome guy in your class with the dreamiest eyes, that friend you started developing feelings for after spending so much time together, circumstances can make or break any situation.

Everything can go according to plan, you can be ready to shoot your shot, you can be certain of your feelings after spending weeks trying to convince yourself otherwise. You can have an inkling that they might like you too, that everything might work out for once, so you can stop shooting your shot to no avail for the same reason every time. Maybe this time, things will go right and you don’t have to hear “I like you too but I’m seeing someone else/I don’t want to ruin what we have/I don’t see you in that way.” Or maybe it’s the right person at the wrong time: they’re newly dating, you’re moving away, they’re in a long term relationship.

As I was struggling to come up with an idea for this week, the circumstances changed—literally. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “circumstances” more in my life than this past week. Maybe it was a reminder that, no matter how much you plan for things to happen—or for nothing to happen at all—the universe (or God or whatever you believe in) has a funny way of showing you who’s boss.

One of my favourite relationship analogies relates to lines: people can be like parallel lines, spending their whole lives living alongside each other but never intersecting. They can also be like perpendicular lines, that cross paths once and never again. Both of these situations are a blessing and a curse; they depend on the circumstances of each line and how they’re meant to act in relation to another.

You may want to be a perpendicular line with someone but the circumstances are not right so you’re stuck being parallel lines forever. Sometimes, that’s more of a blessing than a curse because they likely weren’t meant to be in your life the way you’d hoped. While it’s okay to be sad or upset about things not working out according to plan, circumstances can change and your parallel line with one person can turn into a perpendicular line with someone else.

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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Student Life

The art of being single: Getting over someone you never dated

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

You spend weeks thinking about them, admiring them, flirting with them, talking for hours on end, sharing memes, tagging each other on random Facebook posts.

You go on dates, pouring your heart out to them, sharing your hopes and aspirations. You start to fall for this person, who you’re only “talking to” and you’re left with the fantasy of what it will be like once you end up officially together.

Except, that never happens.

All of a sudden, messages dwindle down, they’re suddenly busy, they stop paying attention, ignoring your approaches. They might even ghost you. All of a sudden, the potential of being anything more than two people in the “talking stage” gets thrown away, discarded like the butt of a cigarette.

How do you get over this type of rejection? How do you get over someone you never dated?

Dating culture has become increasingly hard to navigate. More than being together or not, there is an entire spectrum of labels in between: the talking stage, seeing each other, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, dating. All these labels make it more difficult to know which one applies to you because lines, boundaries and what you think you mean to someone versus what you actually mean to them all become blurred.

So how do you get over someone you never dated? Someone you spent hours a day talking to, weeks opening up to, months falling for. It’s easier said than done to simply get over it, move on; there’s no sense in saying it’s your fault for getting attached too easily, for fantasizing about wanting something serious with someone.

It feels like every aspect of dating culture in this society isn’t taken seriously. Why is it so strange that someone wants something serious? Why is it odd to want to plan a future with someone? Why can our emotions constantly get pushed to the side once someone new comes along? How can we move on after we put our all into someone who didn’t end up feeling the same for us because of a stupid label that allowed them to think they could walk over us any way they liked?So the question remains: how do you get over someone you never dated? While it may be easier said than done to just get over it and move on, there’s not much else you can do. I’m a firm believer that people will make an effort to keep you in their life if they truly want you in it, so there’s no point fighting to stay when they made it clear they don’t want you.

 

Graphic by Loreanna Lastoria

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The hidden dangers of online dating

Some use them for fun, while others may be searching for their true love. But there is one thing that is certain about dating apps; they need more regulation.

A recent investigation discovered that most free dating apps don’t conduct background checks on sex offenders. In fact, Match Group, the largest dating app corporation in the United States, has admitted that they do not screen free dating apps for users with sexual-related charges. The company owns some of the most popular dating apps to date such as Tinder, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, and OkCupid.

A simple background check could have saved the lives of multiple men and women who ended up raped or murdered. A study conducted by Columbia Journalism Investigations has found that this lack of uniform policy to conduct background checks had left users vulnerable to an array of sexual assaults.

However, what remains shocking is that Match Group had issued statements pertaining to the protection of its users by ensuring extensive screenings of potential predators, but it has done the opposite, according to CBS News. For years, it had made false promises to users in which they agreed to examine sex-offender registries following the rapes of various women. Both women had matched with men whom they later realized had been convicted of sexual-related crimes on multiple occasions.

One woman matched with a man named Mark Papamechail on the Plenty of Fish dating app back in 2016. His profile indicated that he was divorced, just like her, and looking for someone to marry. The two chatted for months and even went on several dates together until he raped her. She became the second woman to file a police report against Papamechail following a sex-related crime.

According to the same analysis, in 10 per cent of the incidents, dating platforms had matched their users with a convicted criminal at least once before. These statistics should raise an immediate red flag considering the number of people using dating apps daily. The Community Justice Initiatives (CJI) released a study suggesting that this problem will continue, given the growing popularity of online dating apps throughout the years. In 2008, the percentage of adults who used dating apps went from three per cent in 2008, two 12 per cent in 2015. Furthermore, the BBC announced in an article released this year that the number of recorded sexual assaults had almost doubled in the last four years. In England, recorded offenses intensified from 156 in 2015, to 286 in 2018.

Despite the dangers surrounding these dating apps, there are precautions that can be taken for women to feel safer before going on a date with someone they met online. First and foremost, you should always let a friend or family member know about the date ahead of time. You can also let that person track your location using through the Find My Friends app or via Facebook Messenger. I also find that it’s usually best to meet your date in a public place in the event that if something bad happens, there’s always a chance that someone nearby will see something. Never forget, the internet is your friend! So in that case, don’t be afraid to do some digging on the person you’re meeting beforehand. Last tip, if your date takes place in a bar, always make sure to keep an eye on your drink if you feel uneasy because at the end of the day, it’s better to be safe than sorry!

 

Graphic by Victoria Blair

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