So cuffing season is upon us and everyone seems to be frantically trying to find someone to hold on to for the upcoming months. Cuffing season, if you don’t already know, is the time when everyone is trying to settle into a relationship of some kind. It may seem like it’s made up, but cuffing season is actually a thing.
According to a Cosmopolitan article, cuffing season is from October to March. This happens because of the cold weather outside — temperatures drop, days become shorter and there’s less sunshine, and people’s testosterone levels rise. So, what’s the logical thing to do? Cuff up with someone for six months, apparently.
Very honestly, because that’s how I do this column thing, I’ve never been cuffed and the idea of trying to find someone for this period wasn’t so present in my life. It’s also never really been a prevalent thing in my circle or even in my general surroundings. I’ve realized that’s because I’ve mostly been around people who have been in long term relationships or just couldn’t care less about being with someone, regardless of the time of year.
But this year, things are different: those who were in long term relationships are no longer, those who didn’t care about being with someone suddenly do, and I’ve made new friends who now think of it too. It feels like there’s a shift in the air — people are searching everywhere to try to find someone to keep them warm and cuffed until March.
So where does that leave me? It stresses me out.
I already can’t seem to find someone during the “regular” season (literally always) so how am I expected to keep up with the high, fervorous and tension-filled time that is cuffing season? Sure, I could just go about my life like I have for the last couple of months, waiting for the universe to plant someone at my doorstep, but I’m no different than anyone else — the cold weather, lack of sunshine and incessant seeing everyone else cuffed up just makes me want to be cuffed up too.
But if you’re like me and never get cuffed, fear not. Remember, people get cuffed because they’re lonely and cold. All you need to get through cuffing season alone is a bunch of blankets, cozy socks, all your favourite movies, all of the snacks, and your friends. If I can get through cuffing season, so can you.
Whether it be constant clinginess, emotional unavailability, or the classical Oedipus complex, what we bring to the dating table ultimately determines the success — or lack thereof — of our future relationships. But is there a way to pinpoint where we could improve ourselves without resorting to “objective” feedback given by our friends, dating coaches, the Internet, and moms? The answer is yes, by figuring out our attachment style.
What is an attachment style? According to the creator of attachment theory, John Bowlby, and expressed in an article on verywellmind.com, it is “the lasting psychological connectedness between human beings”; in other words, it’s how we interact with those we bond with.
Learning your style is not on par with reading a horoscope, nor is it as good as actual introspective counselling, but it does enter a space heavily focused on by experts in behavioural psychology. In a simplypsychology.org article, it explains how Bowlby, a well-known psychologist, theorized that how a child was raised determined specific emotional responses to their caregivers. The less time infants spent with their mothers, the more they developed a physiological disposition to separation anxiety.
With the growth of the behavioural discipline, attachment theory has been expanded by researchers such as Kim Bartholomew and Leonard Horowitz to cover adult relationships. They divided said theory into categories such as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure. According to these experts, the nature of the interaction between a baby and its caregiver determined which category the infant fell into, which later determined how they would act as an adult with future romantic partners.
How this translates into the dating scene is clarified by Dr. Lisa Firestone, PhD, in her book Knowing Your Critical Self. As she explains, each style comes with its own dating characteristics.
Anxious Preoccupied
This deals with those who constantly feel “emotional” hunger, that is to say, they desire constant validation from their partner and live in what Firestone describes as a “fantasy” of their actual relationship. With this group, dating terms such as “clingy” and “paranoid” become commonplace. An anxious preoccupied will tend to bombard a partner with texts, experience anxiety when apart and even suspect the worst (breakups, love lost, cheating).
Dismissive Avoidant
Unlike the anxious style, dismissive avoidants seek more distance from their partner. The word association in this regard would be “unavailable,” since avoidants, well, avoid active conversations, remain emotionally introverted and gain limited satisfaction from the presence of others. All this is detrimental to dating, as communication and 50/50 effort are key to a healthy and long-lasting relationship. Furthermore, avoidants would view any argument as an overreaction on their partner’s part.
Fearful Avoidant
The “best” of both worlds, a fearfully avoidant alternates between worrying that they are too close to someone or that they’re too far. So, as Katy Perry says, they’re hot then they’re cold, they’re yes then they’re no, they’re in then they’re out, they’re up then they’re down. Generally indecisive, these individuals are kind of the “Ross Gellers” of dating; always wanting to be in a relationship, ultimately sabotaging it, and then wanting to be in one again.
Secure
In contrast to the styles mentioned so far, secure individuals feel comfortable both in a relationship or alone. With words such as honest, realistic and caring describing them, they are capable of remaining invested with their partners but not dependent. Moreover, they act as a support base for those who date them and will reciprocate that support to those who need them. In other words, they are the closest thing to the perfect partner.
Ultimately, most of us seek to gravitate towards a more secure personality. We do not want to come off as too attached, emotionally unavailable, and/or all over the place. Barring professional counselling, we should identify and work on our own attachment styles so that we may better support others, potential partners and most importantly, ourselves.
The ‘talking stage.’ Just ‘seeing someone’. Not ‘officially’ dating. No labels, no expectations, no limitations. This world of “what are we?” where no one really asks for fear of coming off as desperate, or no one is actually in a relationship because of x, y, or z. This language has become so standard in our generation; in the culture around us.
I don’t understand any of it.
I mean, obviously, I understand what they mean in the context of dating and navigating the single/relationship world. But I don’t understand why it’s become so normalized.
In the past week, I’ve had conversations with friends about relationships they have that sound a lot like they’re with the other person, calling each other bae (which is another thing altogether, but anyway). But they’re not. They’re not official – they’re just seeing each other, they’re not putting a label on it.
It’s one thing if there’s no romantic connection in the relationship, or if it’s purely a physical, casual thing. What I’m talking about is skinny love, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “a type of relationship between two people that are very in love with each other, or are crushing big time on the other; but are far too embarrassed to express their feelings. The relationship is ‘skinny’ because they have yet to come out and explain their true feelings.”
I’m talking about the relationships between people who have been “seeing each other” (again, this is a whole other thing) exclusively for a significant amount of time and who’ve said “I love you” – but won’t say that they’re together. I’m talking about people that spend forever in the talking stage with constant reassurance that this is serious, this is for real – but it never progresses past that. I’m talking about the people who have been exclusive with someone for a while – but still won’t label their relationship as official.
If this is you, I’m calling you out: what are you afraid of? Stop hiding behind shaky words and make things official with the person you want to be with. No more skinny love, my friends. Profess your affection, make things official, go live a fulfilled romantic life. Life is too short to do things halfway.
And before someone comes at me for saying no one should need to “claim” someone to be “theirs”, think about how reassurance and knowing you’re secure in a relationship is necessary, and how it makes you feel safe, loved, and wanted.
The wind howls uncontrollably as my hands go numb from wandering the dark and desolate streets of the Old Port. There’s not a single soul in sight, for this arctic climate cannot support any life.
Graphics by Florence Yee.
The bitter frost finally gets to me, so I make my weekly pilgrimage to a small café in order to warm up and gather my thoughts. Sitting inside the cozy establishment, I drink my black coffee and observe a young couple across the room on a date.
Like a scientist observing a new species, I analyze their behavior with fervor. They barely speak to one another and seem concentrated on their mobile phones, glancing at each other every so often to show an Instagram picture.
The only minute sign of a connection seems to be the occasional arm rub or leg glance from underneath the table.
I finish my coffee quickly and want to puke.
Existential thoughts flood my mind and I soon come to the realization that, in 2016, romance is truly dead.
We’re living in a modern world where our deities have become Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, and have lost the ability to profess our genuine affection for one another if it’s not on social media.
I leave the café and begin to trace the death of modern romance, with all signs first pointing to the advent of dating apps.
Graphics by Florence Yee.
Yes I’m referring to mainly Tinder and the other nefarious apps in the same vein. They’ve turned the dating world into a child’s game with humans being disposable and infinite.
The app was launched in 2012 and has grown in popularity in the past few years, and almost instantly became a cultural sensation. It has amassed almost 50 million active users and is available in 26 languages, according cnbc.com.
With users swiping left or right on each profile, the main focus of the app is geared towards general esthetics rather than personality or interests. If someone doesn’t like your photo, it’s on to the next one.
To make matters worse, a new report by fastcompany.com revealed that Tinder has created several algorithms that essentially rate your desirability. That means all users have been placed on a hierarchical list that scores mainly their level of physical attractiveness.
Graphics by Florence Yee.
No wonder romance is dead; we all are just rating each other while an algorithm is doing the same to us—how ironic. There’s little investment needed and a plethora of matches that will always pop up onscreen.
I should also mention that I have tried these apps. At first, I enjoyed the attention from complete strangers paying me compliments, but ultimately I felt judged like a piece of meat simply on the basis of my photos.
Many users as well were simply looking for casual sex, something that Tinder has easily facilitated. It’s so stress-free nowadays to find someone to have a one-night stand with.
The traditional methods of doing this before the apps would require going out into the real world and searching out an individual at a bar or club, yet nowadays you can do it from home in your bed.
There’s nothing wrong with casual sex as long as it’s consensual and protected, but this virtual dating world definitely takes out the romantic aspect of sex and intimacy.
We cannot forget Valentine’s Day either, the only day of the year when it’s socially acceptable to vomit our suppressed romantic emotions onto our partners while having to buy tons of materialistic goods.
A recent report by the National Retail Federation revealed that Americans are estimated to spend more than US$19.7 billion on Valentine’s Day related items. Most of these purchases made in the days leading up to the corporate holiday will be chocolate, flowers and jewelry.
The same report revealed that six million people are planning to propose this year, with an estimated US$4.4 billion being spent on diamonds alone.
We peasants are clearly suckling the teat of the She-wolf—and are buying into this bogus capitalist propaganda.
Bitter I may be, but it’s really hard to see any genuine examples of modern day romance, and with Valentine’s Day coming up, it’s just a reminder how society has taken such a dark turn towards a dark and hollow reality.
I was recently having a conversation with a potential male suitor, whose idea of getting to know each other consisted of a round of 20 questions, which culminated in him asking me “what my rules are for dating” more specifically, for a first date.
In his defence, I think he was trying to play by the book and be “respectful” so that he knew my boundaries, but the feminist rage within me boiled up and I told him that that was a stupid question and I wasn’t a character in bloody Sex and the City, before stomping off to get myself another drink.
For some reason, this fairly innocent question touched a nerve. I don’t believe in strict “dating” rules—I don’t live in a “lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” style sitcom, and I think that just as every two people are different, so are our interactions and chemistry in situational circumstances involving the getting together (sexually or not) of any said people.
Sometimes, the fire will just be there from the get-go, and if both parties are consenting adults, I see no reason why they should hold themselves back from following their carnal instincts.
On the other hand, sometimes that spark just isn’t there, and maybe it’ll warm up in time, or maybe it won’t.
Bottom line is, do it if you both want to do it, don’t if you don’t. Know your boundaries in any given situation, but don’t set blanket boundaries based on something a chick flick once preached.
The idea that your potential partner won’t respect you in the morning if you “give in” right away is absolutely ludicrous, and if that’s the case, then let me tell you that person doesn’t deserve your respect either. It takes two to tango.
The entire concept of “giving in” or “giving it up” has a predatorial and misogynistic air to it that doesn’t seem congruent with our supposedly egalitarian society, or rather, the ideal egalitarian society I wish we lived in.
Sex isn’t a non-renewable resource; your sex powers aren’t going to dry up if you do it too early on in a relationship or too much or with too many people. Shocking, I know. If anything, it’ll just keep getting better over time.
Likewise, if you don’t want to sleep with someone—whether it’s the first date or your wedding night—then don’t do it.
The point that I’m trying to drive home here is that it’s asinine to put a general timestamp on when you “should” start becoming physically intimate with a new person. A person’s worth is not measured by how hard it is to get them into bed, and it’s quite frankly ridiculous for society to insinuate otherwise.
He was late, and not the socially acceptable couple-of-minutes-because-the-bus-was-late kind of late. He was exactly 26 minutes late. This was a bad start to a date I very reluctantly accepted to go on in the first place.
Sitting by the window at the new Second Cup around the corner from my house, I grew increasingly aggravated. I decided to go ahead and order myself a medium latte. Adding cinnamon powder to my artfully crafted latte with the heart-shaped foam, I felt a quick, unsure tap on my shoulder.
“Jess?”
I turned around. My hazy, alcohol-induced first memory of meeting him at some random party returned with a whopping bang. He removed his black aviator Ray-Ban sunglass
es, revealing a set of piercingly blue eyes entirely glazed over like a freshly baked Krispy Kreme doughnut.
He stood there a second, vacantly staring at me before he gave me a funny half-smirk. We exchanged the compulsory two-kiss greeting and I asked him if he wanted to order anything.
“Oh,” he paused awkwardly, “yeah I guess so.” His tone was reluctant and slightly annoyed, as if I were forcing him into partaking in some kind of unnatural ritual.
We waited for two minutes back in line. He got to the counter, greeted the barista with a dismissive tone. “Uh, ya, hi,” another pause as he scanned the Second Cup menu, “so like, if I just want a coffee, like, a normal coffee, do you know what I’m talking about?”
Visibly offended, the barista turned to the filter coffee machine and poured him a cup. “That’s $2.50,” he said coldly. He paid entirely in quarters; slightly afraid that the barista at my caffeine haven would hate me by simple association, I offered him an apologetic smile and we walked back to where I had left my coat.
He removed his black leather jacket with a hugely misplaced sense of over-confidence. I could smell the pretension on him; it was even stronger than the smell of weed that emanated from his worn-out blazer and t-shirt combination.
I giggled awkwardly, as I always do in uncomfortable situations. He took a gulp and let out the most satisfied groan I have ever heard anyone release after tasting black coffee.
“Wow, this Colombian dark roast is absolutely,” taking another sip, “ah-mazing.” He added an unnecessary emphasis on the first syllable. I was already resenting his presence in my life.
Trying to make some kind of casual conversation, I asked him teasingly if he was enjoying his coffee.
“It really is good. I had a long, exhausting, weird night, so I need this right now.”
More or less getting an idea of what kind of night he was referring to, I checked my phone to avoid having to ask a follow-up question. Noticing this, he did the same. As if receiving some important news, he jumped up, excused himself, and headed to the bathroom.
When he got back, he whipped out his phone. “So I’m in this modeling show. It’s not a big deal or anything but these are some of my headshots.”
They were like something out of a cheesy ‘90s amateur modeling catalogue. I resisted the urge to laugh in his face, and told him I thought the lighting was really good.
“Honestly, I’ve met so many gorgeous female models, but they’re all so stupid. Literally every pretty girl I’ve ever met was basically an idiot.”
Sitting there across from him, I felt like in his mind I was either a hideous goblin or belonged to MENSA. This guy was not gaining any brownie points.
Like clockwork, he checked his phone five minutes later, sprang up out of his chair, and went to the bathroom again. This guy was really starting to weird me out. Not wanting to spend another minute with him, I faked receiving an important text. I used the most unoriginal excuse used by uninterested women everywhere: “I’m so sorry, but my sister has an emergency and she needs me.” The words were delivered with the conviction of a first-time stage actress, over dramatizing her lines with no convincing emotion.
“Shit, let me walk you home then.”
Not wanting him to know where I lived, I told him that it would not be necessary since she was not back at our place, but instead at her friend’s house in Hampstead. In retrospect, this was probably not the best escape plan seeing as how he was headed in that same direction to get back home.
“Oh, what a lovely coincidence,” I said, crying a little bit on the inside.
We were nearing my metro stop when he said: “So I’m doing this photography project. With your eye colour and face shape, I think you would be perfect for it. It wouldn’t be published anywhere, just a personal project I’m working on.”
And that’s when I had reached my quota of creepy for this lifetime.
“Oh, uhm, wow. Here’s my stop. Sorry, I have to run, get home safely. BYE!” Before he could say anything, I sprinted onto the platform with the metro doors shutting behind me. The train pulled away, and I breathed in a deep, well-deserved sigh of relief.
Making the shift from high school, to college, and then university in the span of just three years is a big jump. School becomes more serious and students need to adapt and manage their time accordingly. While in university, students mature from young adult to adult alongside experiencing the transition from being in school to having a career, which leaves the question: to date or not to date?
Many single university students may wonder how students in relationships can find time to devote to their significant other while coping with the stresses of school and work. Being in a relationship does mean that you are going to spend time with your significant other, but that does not mean it has to be detrimental to one’s grades or motivation when it comes to school.
I have been in a relationship for a little over a year, and I am now in my second semester at Concordia.
Before Concordia, I attended Dawson College, and in my first two semesters at Dawson, while I was single, my marks were decent. However, during my final two semesters at Dawson, while I was in a relationship, my marks were actually much better. Even now, at Concordia, I manage my time accordingly so that I can balance school, homework, work, friends and a relationship, (maybe I sacrifice a bit of sleep, but not too much).
How do I do this? Simple. I make sure that two nights a week, usually Friday and Saturday, are strictly devoted to going out and seeing my friends and/or girlfriend — we also happen to have the same friends which is an advantage.
I work weekends during the day, which leaves weekday evenings for homework. I also see my girlfriend during my breaks when I’m at school and whenever I can spare some time. I have a busy schedule, yes, but I’m able to manage it.
In retrospect, if students don’t spend time going to see their partner, chances are they’ll probably spend it going to bars with friends, and for me, I can honestly say that I don’t go out any more now than I did when I was single.
Obviously it depends on the person you’re dating, but in a strong relationship, dating can definitely serve as extra motivation to do well in school and to get your work done on time so you can permit yourself to see your significant other.
Partners work together to try to eliminate each other’s bad tendencies and encourage a healthy and responsible life. This includes helping each other alleviate stress and boost morale.
A study conducted by the Journal of American College Health in 2010 in Cincinnati, OH, looked at single men and women, versus men and women in a committed relationship during their college studies to determine whether being single or being in a relationship correlated with higher rates of depression or alcohol use.
According to the study, being involved in a committed relationship during university reported fewer depressive symptoms for women than men. Men in relationships show slightly more depressive symptoms than single men, but the gap is not substantial. The study also concluded that students involved in relationships have stronger mental health.
For these reasons, dating is not only manageable in university, but an advantage. If you date the right person, your experience will be that much better. Isn’t that what relationships are for? To encourage and motivate each other to be the best that you can be?
Plus, who doesn’t enjoy spending time with someone you really like.
Dating is great, and school is great, but how can we know if they work well together?
Relationships, and everything they entail, are crucial life experiences. Even when they end badly, we learn from them. Dating while in school can be quite tricky, and can bring forth a lot of challenges. Some people can overcome them, while others can’t.
I have been in a relationship with the same person for almost five years now — since my fourth year of high school. Although I am definitely not the same person that I was back then, being in a relationship has worked for me.
I am the happiest when I’m in a relationship; but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t any cons to being half of a couple.
During the past two years that I’ve been studying at Concordia, I have noticed that there are many things that aren’t so great about having a boyfriend during school.
First, one must deal with the main part of every relationship: falling in love. For some, this can have a negative impact on one’s education. Whether you’ve experienced it yourself or seen it in the movies, the symptoms of falling in love are always the same: you can’t sleep, can’t eat, constantly daydream about the person you care about, and generally can’t concentrate on anything, least of all your school work. All you want to do is spend time with the person you have met, and everything else comes second. This can, evidently, have a negative impact on your grades and extracurricular activities.
Second, being in a relationship changes your social life — something that is very important to most college students. For example, going out to bars with your single girlfriends. This can become an awkward experience because it means that you can’t hook up with people you meet in bars — something that I am sure most people would consider a bad thing if you’re in a relationship. You may also feel the need to mention to every guy you speak to that you have a boyfriend right off the bat, so as not to accidentally lead them on, which can also be awkward. As the night drags on, you’ll most likely be stuck drinking alone as your friends meet single hotties.
Third, there’s always the possibility that a relationship will end and this is a risk that people have to be willing to take when throwing themselves into the depths of love and lust. When serious relationships end, it doesn’t matter whether you were broken up with or if you decided to end it, at the end of the day, you will both be heartbroken. Just like the beginning of a relationship, the end of one can have a serious impact on your life. The symptoms of heartbreak can make studying, and even going to class, very difficult to accomplish, and can have a negative impact on your grades.
Being in a relationship works well for me, but that doesn’t mean that it is always easy. Relationships mean taking risks, and having to make sacrifices. All people and relationships are different; some may be a little more dramatic than others.
Your priorities may also affect whether a relationship in university would work for you. If you are set on going out every few days, or if you spend all of your time studying, relationships may not be right for you during university.
Still, only you can know for sure. I think that the only way of finding out what makes you happy and successful in your studies is to try it out and see for yourself.
When the term “speed dating” comes up, most people tend to picture middle-aged spinsters eager to meet Mr. Right. Recently though, I discovered that speed dating isn’t just for the older demographic: every Saturday night, Le Belmont hosts events for age groups beginning at the 18 to 25 range.
Before partaking in an evening of speed dating one must log on to www.speeddatingmontreal.com and register your name and coordinates for whichever event suits your fancy. Registration is free, but Le Belmont charges $25 for the evening, which begins at 7 p.m. and lasts a little over two hours.
One particularly blustery Saturday I decided to conduct a social experiment of sorts and all but forced a friend of mine to sign up with me for a night of multiple potential dates.
Upon registration we have to select our age group, a fact that I found comforting as I had pictured sitting face to face with some guy thrice my age. The organizers then sent out an email to all those who registered detailing the proceedings of the evening. Participants were warned to dress nicely, not to eat onions or garlic before coming and were told that we’d each be “dating” roughly 40 strangers for five minutes each.
Arriving at Le Belmont, we found ourselves in a room filled along the perimeter with small cocktail tables, two chairs on each side. The girls were escorted in first and told to sit two at a table, on the chairs facing outwards towards the room.
While we eagerly anticipated our knights in shining armour, the real hero, the bar waitress, came around to take our drink orders. These were not included with the price of the ticket.
Everyone was given a piece of paper with lines designated for each person you meet and a box to check off ‘Y’ for “yes I would like for the organizers to give this person my number,” or ‘N’ for “no.” Only if both parties check off the ‘Y’ will the organizers set them up.
After waiting for almost 20 minutes, the gentlemen swooped down on us. As it turned out, the vast majority of them were 26-27 years old, not 25 as was designated. This, I was told by our host, was because there weren’t enough under 25s registered.
Though the event was open to both anglo and francophones, there was a clear majority of the latter. Strangely, speed dating seemed to cater to a very specific demographic: the French-speaking public service industry worker hailing from the South Shore. Aside from an accident scene, I have never seen so many firemen or police officers huddled in one area.
All of the men I met said it was their first time speed dating, which led me to believe one of three things: a) this event carries a large success rate, and as such there’s no need to come back a second time b) this event is awkward and uncomfortable so nobody wanted to come back a second time or c) they were lying and actually show up every week.
On a more romantic note, it was obvious that most people signed up in the hopes of meeting someone, all for different reasons.
“I just broke up with my girlfriend, and wanted to meet someone different than I normally would in my circle of friends,” said Guillaume R. Others were a little more honest. “I’m lonely,” admitted Phillip M.
Overall, the atmosphere was awkward, the conversation contrived and the acoustics in the room made it so loud that I could barely hear my partners. I cannot say that I’ll be going back, and I still think there are better ways to meet potential dates.
