Home CommentaryOpinions “I just want a decent sandwich . . .”

“I just want a decent sandwich . . .”

by Archives March 25, 2008

I’m a self-professed workaholic and with the end of the semester coming up, I spend so much time at school that it feels like I’m now living inside the university. So, in the spirit of turning into a Hall building morlock, I’ve compiled a list of eight small improvements that could make Concordia a better place. CSU people, if this falls under your jurisdiction – that is if you even have an actual jurisdiction – take notice.
One of the issues I’m most concerned with is the quality of sofas on campus. What’s the point in having hundreds of sofas scattered all around if they’re going to be uncomfortable? They might look good, all fake black leather and sharp, modern angles, but we’d all be better off sitting on the dirty, wet floor.
Sofas, by their very definition, should be comfortable. And they should have arm rests. And cup holders. So I suggest we relocate the university inside a movie theatre. That would be fun, and I guarantee improved class attendance.
Next up is lighting. Why is it always so dark inside? It could be the apocalypse and the whole world would be on fire, and it would still seem like the middle of the night inside our classrooms. Even setting up old-school torches on the walls would be an improvement, although torches probably aren’t sustainable. I suggest eco-friendly, eye-level, soft-filter, peach-coloured lighting – if such a thing even exists.
And would it be possible to fix the Hall building escalators? I’ve lost about five pounds going up and down those stairs. Who is in charge of the escalators and why is this person not in trouble? Forget tuition freeze, we should have “fix the escalators” protests.
That the escalators don’t work also doesn’t help me find my way around the Hall building. I probably shouldn’t be revealing this, much less publishing it, but I get lost all the time in that stupid maze-like building. After walking around for about half an hour on I don’t even know which floor, I always find myself fighting back tears. I start dreaming up possible headlines for the paper’s next issue; “Concordia student dies of hunger, lost in Hall building. Refused to ask fellow students for directions.”
Seriously, how can classrooms jump five room numbers? Where are the missing rooms? Why are there so many doors leading nowhere? There should be large maps, and arrows, and guides.
Once I actually find my way out of the building, I have to put up with the shuttles. How about we buy the drivers watches?
If you want to schedule a shuttle for every 10 to 15 minutes, you need to have a shuttle showing up that often.
It truly is distressing how many people have to put up with my angry, incomprehensible rants while I wait for that bus, sometimes for 45 minutes. I once had a 30-minute conversation with the person waiting next to me in line about how I really, really hate waiting, and was hungry, and wanted to get home to eat the new chocolate cereal I had bought the day before. That should never have to happen again, I simply can’t handle more public humiliation.
When there actually is a shuttle waiting when I arrive, why does it always look like it’s on the verge of leaving? I have to send the driver psychic messages, “Wait! Wait! I want to go home, you can’t leave. It’s minus 50, I’ll die.” And then I get on, and the shuttle stops moving and we all stay there waiting for the next 30 minutes. And I miss my next bus. Why does that keep happening to me? Is it karma? Was I a CSU executive in my past life and am only being punished for it now?
While I’m at it, I’ll just be brutally honest and say that we should ban the millions of Unity posters on campus. They burn my eyes with their hideousness. I’m sure the candidates are nice, decent people, but they unwittingly had a whole forest of trees cut down to make all those posters. Let’s just recycle them before David Suzuki comes back to visit Concordia.
And why are there so few available computers in the campus libraries? What’s the ratio right now, one computer for every two thousand students? We aren’t in a third-world country; I shouldn’t have to wait in line to check my e-mail as if I were waiting for rationed bread. As a side note, I don’t own a laptop, but if I did I know I’d also be complaining about wireless Internet access on campus, which according to all accounts cannot be described as satisfactory.
Finally, my most important suggestion to improve quality of life at Concordia is selling better sandwiches. Our sandwiches are the worst I’ve ever had, and I’m convinced that’s the main cause of low student morale.
It shouldn’t be this hard; we already own the panini presses, now all we need is edible ingredients. And lower prices – a sandwich should not cost more than an hour’s worth of a minimum wage salary.
Sure, there are probably more pressing issues, like tuition fees, the university’s looming debt and pub crawls, but really, everyone’s happier with a sandwich, it’s just an uncontested fact of life.

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