Horoscopes

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You are Let It Be. Recorded before Abbey Road but released afterwards. Which of you truly deserves the title of last album, which of you truly contain the Beatle’s last words. One thing is certain, we’d have missed out on some kick ass tunes if it weren’t for you. Song: Get Back

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

You are Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club. Lets face is, people love you, Rolling Stone Magazine called you the best album of all time, but who’s listened to you seriously since they were 13. When everything is said and done, you are an alright album at best. Get over yourself. Song: She’s Leaving Home

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You are the White Album. Massive behemoth, album of two discs. Some think you’re too eclectic, too long, too random. But others, those loving others, think you’re length and complexities are your strengths. Song: Why Don’t We Do It in the Road

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

You are Yellow Submarine. We love the song, we love the album, we love the movie. We, and by we I mean everyone in the whole world, loves everything about you. All I’ve ever wanted was a sky of blue and a sea of green, you gave them to me, in my imagination. Song: All Together Now

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You are Magical Mystery Tour. Initially rejected as rubbish, you have proved your merit in the decades since you were originally released. If you are Magical Mystery Tour, could you please tell us if Paul is dead, or if he’s the Walrus, I can’t figure it out. Song: I Am the Walrus

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

You are A Hard Day’s Night. What a sound, following in the tradition of old greats like Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly, yet forging a new and unique path forward. Even in 1964, you let us know that the boys from Liverpool had something going on. Song: Tell Me Why

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

You are Twist and Shout. You’re more of a compilation than an album, but you were many Canadian’s first introduction to the Beatles. You brought Beatlemania to the Great White North, and that is something to be proud of. Song: Love Me Do

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

You are Abbey Road. Fraught with riddles, you fuel the fires of conspiracy. LMW 28IF… What does it all mean? On one side, you’re all hits and singles, a straight John style rock album, but your back side is the epitome of Paul’s concept album fetish. Which side will you be this week? Song: Her Majesty

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

You are Revolver. Decidedly bad ass, you are musician’s music, true rock and roll. Though you’re special for so many reasons, the most important is that you featured George Harrison’s first song. So let me thank you for giving George a voice. Song: Taxman

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

You are Help! You emerged from a period of emotional strife, and were released at the height of John’s pudgy phase. Undervalued and underappreciated, your critics never give you the respect you deserve. But some well tuned souls would agree that with you the Beatles truly found their sound. Song: You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

You are Rubber Soul. You are relaxing and enlightening. Perfect for a Sunday afternoon. It shows that you were the band’s first album after they stopped touring. You were the fresh beginning they needed to kick of the second half of their decade. Song: Think For Yourself

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

You are Please Please Me. First full length studio album, one wonders if you knew you were changing the world every time you felt the needle drop on your flat back. One also wonders whether the boys knew they would find themselves leaning over that same railing so many years later. Song: Chains

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You put a dream to rest this week, an old dream, a cherished dream. It shows in your eyes, it can be heard in your voice. Don’t make us feel bad just cause you’re a quitter, just get on with it. Find a dream that’s more suited to your abilities, and get they eyes a shining again… for us.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

You pathetic beast, you failed creature. Not only can you not stop hurting yourself, but you have an uncanny ability to let down those nearest to you. Pick up your game Taurus, your old tricks aren’t funny anymore.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You know how they print those patterns on toilette paper, like flowers and bears and stuff. Cute right? Well here’s some food for though, those raised patterns may be for your aesthetic enjoyment on the surface, but really, they’re there for friction, like so the paper can collect more poo. Think about it.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Let us not beat around the bush any longer. I saw the way you glanced over at me. I saw the way you chuckled just then. I see you right now, I’m looking right at you and I’m looking through you. Its funny, cause I write with a pen name, so you don’t know who I am, so realistically, I could be looking at you, with prying eyes.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You have no time for haters, fakers or procrastinators. No way, bub! Leo the lion is a woman/man of action. Leo the lion holds the truth on a pedestal. Leo the lion only has friends who smile and mean it.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

Christians like to ask “what would Jesus do?” One would assume that Jews might ask “what would Moses do?” but I don’t think they think of him that way. I digress. The point is, this week, your friends will be asking “what would Virgo do?” Be a good example.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

The stars indicate strength in numbers this week, but they were reluctant to divulge exactly which numbers will give you strength. Instinct tells me it’s two… or 26… either way, pick a number, and stick with it.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Crying is a healthy release. People give tears a bad rep and say their only for sad times, but you know that’s not true Scorpio. I know too. For example, I cried during last season’s finale of Being Erica.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

They say that, when in the company of drinkers, you should refrain from discussing politics, religion and sports. I disagree, in fact you could stumble upon a very insightful and productive conversation if you started jawing on one, some or all of those taboo subjects. When at the bar, you should avoid talking about food, the weather and clothes. Heed this warning or expect trouble.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

The only thing grosser than big fatties with three chins and a million tummy rolls is wee skinnies with bones poking out of everywhere. Two suggestions: One, you could go for the all-around balanced look, no fatty no skinny. Two, you could go for the fat places skinny places approach, like fat hips, fat shoulders, skinny belly, skinny legs.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Been coughing a lot this week? Sniveling? Sneezing? Shivering? Et Cetera? Don’t rush to blame the swine flu, its been totally overblown. Instead, take a look at your lifestyle, and the causes to your present difficulties &- physically and mentally &- will reaveal them selves.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Accounted for as a whole, the sum of life is much greater than the parts. When faced with a difficult situation this week, use your imagination to find the solution. Take regular washroom breaks &- healthy bladders are well used bladders.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You put a dream to rest this week, an old dream, a cherished dream. It shows in your eyes, it can be heard in your voice. Don’t make us feel bad just cause you’re a quitter, just get on with it. Find a dream that’s more suited to your abilities, and get they eyes a shining again… for us.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

You pathetic beast, you failed creature. Not only can you not stop hurting yourself, but you have an uncanny ability to let down those nearest to you. Pick up your game Taurus, your old tricks aren’t funny anymore.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You know how they print those patterns on toilette paper, like flowers and bears and stuff. Cute right? Well here’s some food for though, those raised patterns may be for your aesthetic enjoyment on the surface, but really, they’re there for friction, like so the paper can collect more poo. Think about it.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Let us not beat around the bush any longer. I saw the way you glanced over at me. I saw the way you chuckled just then. I see you right now, I’m looking right at you and I’m looking through you. Its funny, cause I write with a pen name, so you don’t know who I am, so realistically, I could be looking at you, with prying eyes.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You have no time for haters, fakers or procrastinators. No way, bub! Leo the lion is a woman/man of action. Leo the lion holds the truth on a pedestal. Leo the lion only has friends who smile and mean it.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

Christians like to ask “what would Jesus do?” One would assume that Jews might ask “what would Moses do?” but I don’t think they think of him that way. I digress. The point is, this week, your friends will be asking “what would Virgo do?” Be a good example.

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

The stars indicate strength in numbers this week, but they were reluctant to divulge exactly which numbers will give you strength. Instinct tells me it’s two… or 26… either way, pick a number, and stick with it.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Crying is a healthy release. People give tears a bad rep and say their only for sad times, but you know that’s not true Scorpio. I know too. For example, I cried during last season’s finale of Being Erica.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

They say that, when in the company of drinkers, you should refrain from discussing politics, religion and sports. I disagree, in fact you could stumble upon a very insightful and productive conversation if you started jawing on one, some or all of those taboo subjects. When at the bar, you should avoid talking about food, the weather and clothes. Heed this warning or expect trouble.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

The only thing grosser than big fatties with three chins and a million tummy rolls is wee skinnies with bones poking out of everywhere. Two suggestions: One, you could go for the all-around balanced look, no fatty no skinny. Two, you could go for the fat places skinny places approach, like fat hips, fat shoulders, skinny belly, skinny legs.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Been coughing a lot this week? Sniveling? Sneezing? Shivering? Et Cetera? Don’t rush to blame the swine flu, its been totally overblown. Instead, take a look at your lifestyle, and the causes to your present difficulties &- physically and mentally &- will reaveal them selves.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Accounted for as a whole, the sum of life is much greater than the parts. When faced with a difficult situation this week, use your imagination to find the solution. Take regular washroom breaks &- healthy bladders are well used bladders.

Aries &- March 21 to April 20

Take out a map and find on yourself on it. Open a book and read until you find all the letters in your name &- easy for Ella, hard for Xavier. Go to the art gallery and look at portraits until you find someone with the same hair colour, eye colour and nose size as you. Moral of the story, you are everywhere in the world, you just have to find yourself.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

What a week that was, hey? Seriously, couldn’t have been more fun, you had fun, I had fun, they had fun. But if we are to believe, as many do, that life is a roller coaster, then we must also realize that what comes up must come down, in terms of fun at least. This won’t be a bad week, or an unfun week, but its time for you to get down to work, y’all sayin?

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

Buy a red and black travel book for your bedside table. Set your alarm for 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. When you wake up the second time, you’ll have had some crazy rememberable dreams. Write them down (in the red and black travel book). Do this at least three times this week. If you dream about a bear, it means you’ve been hoarding your emotions. If you dream about a journey, it means you take yourself too seriously. If you dream about a circus where the clowns are the guests and the guests are the carnies, call me (wink).

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

Everyone has one of those days every once in awhile. You know, one of those days, that are just like, one of those days. Not like, one of THOSE days, just one of those days. This week will be, like, seven of those days in a row. Just be thankful it wont be seven of THOSE days.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You are the hip originator. Your friends and acquaintances might not know it, in fact, they might think you’re uncool and unstylish (they do). But I know the truth, and now you do, too. So keep it up, you freak funky master you.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

What do you get when you mix one part early morning with one part cigarette and one part coffee. If you guessed poo, then we’re totally on the same wavelength. If that’s the case I have nothing to tell you, “cause you already know what’s going to happen to you this week

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

Trade one vice for another this week, but try and up the level of vice. For example, if you frequently litter, try pouring some bleach down a sewage drain, but stop littering. Or, if you smoke dope, quit, but then start smoking crack. You’ll find expressing your dark side more intensely but less regularly increases the fun but decreases the guilt.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

Time for new friends, or even a new scene. Redefine yourself like Dylan did when he went electric, or like Joe Strummer did when he became Joe Strummer. When your old friends say hi to you, pretend you don’t even recognize them, or at least that you were never really that into them. You’ll have a blast, for reals, people will be all pretend upset with you, but deep inside they’ll wish they’d thought of the idea first.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

Eyes feeling strained? Gut feeling rotty? Time to stop eating that jerky and get away from that work desk. Sadly, though this will be good for you, it will only lead you to the realization that you have nothing in your life besides desks and jerky. Sadness.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

Remember, I don’t just see the future, I know the past as well. So, like, I know what you did last summer, and all that stuff. Kinda creeped out. I thought I knew you Capricorn. I thought we were like-minded, but that stuff was uncouth. Make amends, apologize, it’s been long enough.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

Tired of those same he says she says diviners who predict nothing but doom and gloom and never tell you anything useful about your life? Well you’ve come to the right place, cause I’m totally all about telling you stuff that will help you in a truly practical way. Help a stranger this week and the stars will reward you. See? Pretty good, huh?

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

Bring someone unexpected into your bedroom this week, and totally get freaky with them. In fact, get freaky with yourself, in front of them. Men, try some of that penis puppetry stuff, but totally unrehearsed, improv style. Women do something interesting with a vegetable. When you’re done, get your act together. You’re too old to be sleeping around and doing all that weird kinky shit, seriously.

This is animal week.
Aries &- March 21 to April 20

You are Orca, noble guardian of the waves. You are not widely loved in the animal kingdom, but you are feared and respected. You deliver swift and objective justice with your powerful jaws and your keen senses. Although you have a large decorative eye patch, your eyes are in fact quite small.

Taurus &- April 21 to May 21

You are Penguin. Winter is long and hard for you. It is a long trip into a cold dark country. And when you’re done, you’ll get to return to the ocean, with abundant food and endless fun. But the oceans are not always safe, so be careful. For now, look forward to the season ahead. You and the others will huddle together for warmth, and there’s no better feeling than being at centre of a waddle of penguins.

Gemini &- May 22 to June 21

You are Seal. Scourge of the sea, you live your life between the water and the shore. You dive deep and swim with the fish, but you are not of them. You prey on helpless penguin, and nature frowns on you for it, but Orca hunts you, and plays with your body before eating you. Be wary.

Cancer &- June 22 to July 23

You are Dog, loyal companion, friend of man. But man takes more than he gives: in his eyes you are servile. Sit dog, lie down dog, roll over dog. He leaves you locked in his house alone for hours on end, and puts bonds around your neck. He takes your children and sells them for profit, with cold knives he takes your gender from you.

Leo &- July 24 to August 23

You are Cat. Sly, sneaky trickster. Beast of nine lives. You blend into backgrounds, you observe without interfering. You hunt stealthily, and always make time for leisure. You love your milk, you love your tuna. Remember what they say of your curious nature, and remember that you have nine lives.

Virgo &- August 24 to September 23

You are Goldfish. What happened three seconds ago? You probably don’t remember. Let me fill you in: your last three seconds were exactly like the three seconds before. You were in a glass bowl of water, with rocks on the bottom. Sometimes flakes of food fall in from above, something to do. And you’ll live out your days like this. What happened three seconds ago?

Libra &- September 24 to October 23

You are Cow. Eat some grass, digest it, regurgitate it, eat it again, do it three more times. Mmm, cud. Udders been feeling heavy lately? Maybe it’s time for a milking. I know a lot of cows use those mechanical milkers these day, but there’s nothing quite like an old fashioned hand milking. Mmm, milk.

Scorpio &- October 24 to November 23

You are Pig. Is there anything you won’t eat? Rumour has it you’ll even chew through bone. You are highly esteemed among the gentiles, but the chosen people will not partake of you, because, though you be cloven hooved, thou chewest not the cud.

Sagittarius &- November 24 to December 21

You are Chicken. Awake early, always orderly, minding the coop. Rooster, your biological companion, wakes up the farmer every morning, heralding in each new day. Be good to rooster, as he has been good to you. If your friends are having trouble laying eggs, give them some of yours, like in Chicken Run.

Capricorn &- December 22 to January 20

You are Lion. Mighty king of beasts, you rule the plains as Orca rules the seas. Your dominion is based on your ability to seem great, while in fact being quite average. You don’t even hunt, but make your women do it for you. Don’t let the others figure out your scam, they won’t appreciate having been tricked.

Aquarius &- January 21 to February 19

You are Tiger. Fearsome and fierce, stealthy but scarce. Are your stripes functional, or just fashionable, either way they look pretty damn cool. Pounce on some prey this week, something badass from a tree and like do the neck biting thing I saw on that nature video.

Pisces &- February 20 to March 20

You are Bear. Hibernation season is coming up and we all know what that means &- hyperphagia time! That’s right, time to bulk up, eat anything and everything, enjoy yourself. Don’t worry about eating too much food, because you’ll be sleeping for a few months, so you’ll lose all the weight. Try and get some honey before sleepytime too, you do love that honey.