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In defence of alcoholism

by admin November 10, 2009

SASKATOON (CUP) &- I drink a lot.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s a pretty subjective statement. What exactly do you mean by a lot?”
Well, I’m not one of those Johnny Know-Nothings who thinks getting drunk once a week is a lot. You know and I know that is bullshit. I mean “a lot” a lot.

A friend recently brought to my attention the fact that she thinks I may have a problem. I laughed it off and promptly got so drunk that I misplaced $20. In some cultures this is considered a necessary gift to the party gods, so even though I could definitely have used it, I don’t begrudge them that money.

But do I drink too much? This is an important question and for those of you out there who drink as much as I do, it’s one you should ask yourself from time to time, if only to recall past fun times and say, “Fuck no!”

First of all, there are certain days drinking is accepted &- nay, demanded. Fridays and Saturdays are pretty standard because they are the weekend, duh.

Then, we have Mondays and Tuesdays. Shit is going down and anyone who’s anyone knows they had better be there. Last week I got drunk on Thursday as well. Sometimes it’s just nice to veg out with a few social drinks instead of making it a big production, you know?

So, do I drink too much? No goddamn way.
Life is shitty; everyone knows this. And I don’t even mean it sucks in the “my parents were murdered for being the wrong religion and I was raped and I have nothing to eat and oh no look I got shot for walking to school” way.

I just mean, you know, life sucks. You got a bad grade on your paper, none of your friends like your new boyfriend and you burnt your forehead trying to curl your hair. Life is a big fucking ball of ass and everyone is just scared to admit it.

However, this does not mean I’m advocating totally giving up and getting hammered constantly. Life is also really fun, but you never get to experience that if you throw in the towel. What I am trying to say is, who cares if you want to drink your face off three or four times a week? Go ahead, do it. Get drunk, dance around like a maniac, kiss that guy you just met, totally forget right after. Then do it all again next week. You’re young and life is good when it isn’t bad; fuck the haters.

It is also a well-known fact that alcohol and drugs enhance your creativity. Well, okay, that probably isn’t true. But it definitely is true that it helps your art in other ways. What would you be doing if you were constantly sober? Going to movies and studying at the library. Wow, can’t wait to read a book about that &- not.

While it won’t give you new creative superpowers, getting fucked up means that some seriously crazy shit is bound to happen and it can then become fodder for your writing or music or whatever. I call bullshit on all those parents who tell their depressed, drug-addled teens that drugs and booze won’t help them turn into a crazy but awesome artist.

Now that I look back on this piece, I realize that everyone who has read it is probably convinced that I am an alcoholic. This was counter-productive. Well, guess what? I have a job and I go to school and I have my shit together. I pay my rent on time, my nose isn’t pink from drinking too much gin like Winston in 1984, and I don’t drink alone. Usually. So fuck off, all you Negative Nancies who can’t handle me having fun.

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