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Horoscopes

by The Concordian September 13, 2011
Aries – March 21 to April 20
You present yourself with homemade cardboard awards after you successfully unclog the toilet your uncle Norman spent a considerable amount of time on. After sweeping the “Crapper Awards” you set your sights on an even bigger task: getting Norman to tell you what he actually ate.

Taurus – April 21 to May 21
Your memory plays tricks on you this week as you lose your wallet on your way home from the pub. Trick your memory by getting a lobotomy, then retracing your steps. Chances are you’ll find something even better on your adventure: the gift of nonchalance.

Gemini – May 22 to June 21
Opportunity waits for you around the corner. All you have to do is catch him, put him in a sack and drag him home. Tie him up in your basement and beat him with a heavy stick. What, you have another way?!

Cancer – June 22 to July 23
Your find yourself in a precarious situation when you come back home and your puppy has just covered your roommate’s bed with feces and other various liquids. You have one hour to completely trash his room and blame it on “crazy punk kids who squatted there for like a month, dude.” When he fails to believe you, give him a thumbs up and a wink; then, run.

Leo – July 24 to August 23
Punching the buttons in the elevator not only make it go faster, but it gets you special attention from Concordia’s security. Any time a person looks you directly in the eyes and speaks loudly into a mic, you know you’ve made your mom proud.

Virgo – August 24 to September 23
Mixing astronomy and gastronomy will make you famous this week, as you make the front page of “Space Chef Magazine.” Use these 15 minutes of fame wisely and establish your own line of high-tech astronaut cookware. A call from George Foreman, wanting to endorse your product, makes you giddy.

Libra – September 24 to October 23
This week may be the week when you need the most change. Try setting up shop in front of a large establishment. Bring a top hat and some magic tricks. Create a sign that says “Mr. Mysterio needs a new flat screen TV.” Expect very little change and an assortment of creative insults.

Scorpio – October 24 to November 23
Painting the inside of your mouth is the best way to change who you are on the inside. Put up a few tiny posters of Pink Floyd and light some incense. Walk down the street and show people the new you. Expect sympathy and children cowering behind their mothers.

Sagittarius – November 24 to December 21
Your goal for this week is to walk into a retirement home and blast Van Halen’s “Jump” from a boombox. The more rooms you get into, the more points you get. Redeem your points at any participating Esso Station.

Capricorn – December 22 to January 20
Dancing around the issues will definitely alleviate most of your problems this week. Trying to tango around your first school assignments will prove more difficult, as your professor admits to having two left feet.

Aquarius – January 21 to February 19
Your attempt at directing traffic fails miserably when you swallow your whistle. You ask everyone in their cars to “freeze” while you buy another one. When you get back, you jump around and scream like a banshee because they moved.

Pisces – February 20 to March 20
When the people who break into your apartment this week accidentally wake you up in the middle of the night and serenade you back to sleep, you appreciate their efforts and point to the areas of your body you’d rather not have stabbed. They turn out to be pretty cool dudes and you guys end up playing Castlevania for the rest of the night.

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