Almost 100 years after the first NHL season in 1917-18, the reputation of hockey being a “man’s sport” is still very much upheld. The sport teaches boys from a young age what it means to be a man and to be tough. With expressions like “don’t be a fag,” the sport also demonstrates some homophobic tendencies. So where, in such a “manly” sport, does a gay man fit in?
Because of the stigmas surrounding the sport, many gay players feel that it is easier for them to just stay in the closet rather than go through the hard phases of looking for tolerance and, perhaps more importantly, acceptance.
Jeff McDonald* used to play hockey at the university level. He’s played hockey since he was six years old, and has known he was gay since about the age of four. His parents were accepting and supportive from the very beginning.
Sadly, the hockey community did not express the same message and he suppressed any feelings he had for fear of being seen as different than his friends and teammates. For years, he managed to hide his homosexuality, and act out all the rituals and attitudes of a straight athlete. He dated women up until the age of 23.
It was all a guise, though, which led to emotional and physical suffering. He blew out his knees and would not properly take care of his body due to the depression and anxiety he was suffering from.
The locker room banter that often included homophobic slurs was a primary reason McDonald kept his feelings hidden. “As a teenager all your friends play hockey, you go to school with them, you see how they react to other gay people and how they attack their opponents with banter,” he said.
McDonald didn’t want that to happen to him. He didn’t want to be different or to not be liked. “[Athletes] have that ‘I’m the greatest complex.’ [They feel] that if one of their teammates, whom they shower with, is gay, then [the gay athlete] will want him, just like all of the girls. There was the fear that I would check them out in the locker rooms. They are my brothers, just like family, I never wanted them to feel uncomfortable around me.”
When he was growing up, he pretended he was straight and called people “fag” just like his teammates did. The attributions to the word meant weak and less manly. The language that is used in sports to insult the opponent is a big problem and a big part of the stigma behind being a gay athlete.
“Of course there is always that type of gay man, the flamboyant, more ‘girly’ stereotype, but there are also a lot who aren’t like that. I don’t fit into that stigma. I’m 200 pounds and I can beat anyone on the rink. I’m different,” said McDonald.
He believes that homophobic slurs should be treated more seriously on the ice. “You don’t hear people dropping ‘n-bombs’ on the black players in the league, so saying ‘fag’ shouldn’t be allowed either,” he said.
McDonald eventually got accustomed to who he really was. He did research and found other athletes that had gone through the same process. The information and the feeling of not being alone were what allowed him to come out and accept himself. He suggests that the league make it mandatory to have information sessions and anti-bullying seminars with regards to racism and sexuality.
He doesn’t like the word “tolerance,” because he believes homosexuality isn’t something that should merely be tolerated, but accepted entirely. McDonald believes that it’s better to have awareness for an issue than try to pretend that it’s not there and that it’s not a real problem.
He has talked to many people associated with the game and many say that if it weren’t for his injuries he would be in the NHL right now. His injuries symbolize the fear and lack of acceptance of himself. He wishes every day that he had had the strength he does today to admit who he is while he was growing up. Maybe things would be a lot different for his career.
Today, though, McDonald is happier than he has ever been. He retired from professional hockey this year, and it has been a struggle not to play the sport that he loves; but he is himself now. He no longer cries every day on trips, in the hotel rooms, without knowing why. Deep down he always knew where the depression and anxiety came from; he just didn’t want to admit it.
To stay in professional hockey, he would have had to re-closet himself and it wouldn’t have felt right. Heterosexuals don’t have to answer for their sexuality, so why should homosexuals?
