Horoscopes

Aries – March 21 to April 20

Sexual pleasure will be accompanied by a lasting burning sensation. Someone from the “old country” will try to reach you. The subtle angst that accompanies everyday life will become unbearable, and I mean UNBEARABLE.

Taurus – April 21 to May 21

Gentle returns mean soft landings. The powers that be will test your nerve this week – someone has got it in their head that you’re living up to what’s expected of you – be resilient and everything will blow over.

Gemini – May 22 to June 21

What you’ll need: four cinder blocks, ten feet of rope and a large tarp. Step one, tie cinder blocks to your victims ankle’s then wrap the whole parcel in the tarp. Step two, find a sufficiently deep body of water and drop the body into it. Step three, kill again.

Cancer – June 22 to July 23

Ever feel like lashing out irrationally, maybe roaring like a lion or a dinosaur? Do you feel more comfortable saying roahhhrgh, or arrrghhh? Sometimes I’m more of a grunter than a roarer. Oh yeah, and like, you’ll see a strange sight this week.. or something futury like that.

Leo – July 24 to August 23

A feisty eunuch will challenge you to a rochambo match, but not the eunuch you’re thinking of. If you accept, you’ll obviously lose, unless you’re a really hard kicker in which case you might be able to just give him a non-genital injury, but you’d have to kick like real hard. Either way, if someone does challenge you to a game of rochambo this week, just make sure to have them show you their junk, just to be sure.

Virgo – August 24 to September 23

The advantages to jogging on the street rather than around the track is you don’t feel like you’re running around in circles. But if you think about it, unless you’re going from point a to point b, you are running in a circle, just one big one. Then, if you think about it even more, your whole life is just one big circle isn’t it. No matter where you go you always sort of end up back home at the end of the day.

Libra – September 24 to October 23

Festivities commence! You may not know it yet, but a lot of people have been thinking about lately, and making plans in your honour. I know it feels good to have people thinking of you, but don’t let it get to your head. Be sure to be especially grateful and gracious this week and you’ll have a wonderful year ahead.

Scorpio – October 24 to November 23

Don’t be afraid to dip your hands in the cookie jar every once in a while, especially if you’re doing it to make other people happy. Look both ways when crossing the street, advise others to follow suit. Be honest about a little fib you may have made, take credit for the things you’ve done.

Sagittarius – November 24 to December 21

Seek relief in strange quarters. Don’t be hesitant when someone makes an excessively personal inquiry. The stars will throw a few wild-cards at you this week, but don’t worry, you’ve got an ace up your sleeve. The changing season will reveal a new clue about your destiny.

Capricorn – December 22 to January 20

People really don’t like when you make jokes about their mothers. Some people just think it’s disrespectful, but others get straight up irate about that kind of stuff. So, watch your step. Also, in some cultures it’s rude not to eat all the food on your plate, but in others it’s rude to finish all your food. Funny, huh?

Aquarius – January 21 to February 19

When it comes to being behind the times, you’re the king. Seriously, top dog, head honcho. Remember that thing last week that everyone knew but you were like so out of the loop, yeah. Look both ways when crossing the street, literally.

Pisces – February 20 to March 20

If you’re not a Pisces and are reading this, I can only assume you’re reading all twelve cause horoscopes cause you think they’re some kind of joke or something. They’re not. Read yours, look at a comic, try the Sudoku and then try reading the rest of your paper. Pisces, I’m sure you can divine some sort of meaning out of that.